teacher man

book quiz (part 2)

2008-06-05T07:54:00.004-05:00

Pencils down. Check your own papers. Be honest.

1. Elie Wiesel
There's a funny story about this. One of the many inane things we have to do for curriculum is to list specific texts we use to meet certain benchmarks, so we write them in and someone somewhere types them onto an official copy. We were double-checking that official copy one day when we saw the following: "Catcher--Salinger, Mockingbird--Lee, Night Weasel--???" Evidently she was not familiar with the book. So now we in the BFHS English department call ourselves the Royal Order of the Night Weasels. And Brian does a spot-on weasel impression. It's pretty impressive.

2. c (Holes)
palindrome (PAL in drome) n.: a word or group of words that reads the same forward and backward (i.e. Stanley Yelnats)

3. The Color Purple
Great line.

4. High Fidelity, About A Boy, Fever Pitch (incidentally this last one has been done twice--once as a British movie about soccer with Colin Firth and once as an American movie about baseball with Jimmy Fallon)
Word on the street is that Johnny Depp is set to star in the next one, an adaptation of Hornby's A Long Way Down, which would be great. I also want them to do How To Be Good. Soon.

5. b (To Kill a Mockingbird and In Cold Blood)
Harper Lee and Truman Capote were buds. Check out the movie Capote if you don't believe me.

6. Bridge of Sighs
...and no I haven't read it yet. Get off my back.

7. What You Will
Significant controversy over this question. My sister-in-law, a doctor of English (don't laugh), says that this is incorrect--Henry VIII also has an alternate title (All Is True). However, my Folger copy says that this is the only one, and Stacy's buddy Stephen Greenblatt is quoted on Wikipedia (I know, I know) as saying "this is the only one of Shakespeare's plays to receive [a subtitle] (although some editors place The Merchant of Venice's alternate title, The Jew of Venice, as a subtitle)." Hmmm...

8. Death of a Salesman
This allusion comes up a lot in Seinfeld actually.

9. d (Shel Silverstein)
Smith, I can't believe they didn't ask you if you'd read The Giving Tree somewhere on an adoption application--seems like it should be a deal-breaker to me. I'm glad that you're at least familiar with it now.

10. a (V. V. Ganeshananthan)
C. C. Sabathia pitches for the Indians. J. J. Abrams wrote Armageddon. H. H. Holmes was one of America's worst serial killers. V. V. Ganeshananthan (a.k.a. Sugi) is one of Stacy's good friends from grad school, and she wrote Love Marriage, about which you can expect a blog entry once I've read the last 40 pages.

11. d (Animal Farm)
One of the great last lines that I've read.

12. The Body and Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption
You can decide for yourself if you get credit for saying Stand By Me and The Shawshank Redemption, but if you haven't seen either of those movies, you should stop reading this right now and go rent them.

13. a (Chuck Palahniuk)
Crazy book. Crazy guy.

14. Of Mice and Men
Easily the saddest book I've ever read. Also, one of the best. Five stars on my GoodReads page.

15. e. e. cummings
For an interesting take on the poem, listen to Kris Delmhorst's song, "Pretty How Town." If you can find it somewhere. I've got a copy.

16. Joseph Heller...Pianosa...Yossarian
Part 2 gave my smarty-pants wife and her smarty-pants sister trouble. It's a fictional island off the coast if Italy. I love this book.

17. b (The Catcher in the Rye)
If you thought I was going to go through an entire book quiz without mentioning Catch-22 and The Catcher in the Rye, then you're crazy.

18. Nick Carraway
And so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past...

19. A
After reading the book, one of my students, who was a big Hester Prynne fan, suggested that the letter actually stood for "awesome."

20. Alonso Quixano
Did you say Don Quixote? I mean, I did italicize the word "real." That was a hint. I guess it's up to you whether you get credit for it. Seems cheap to me.

So how'd you do? Much worse than on the pop culture quiz, right? Well, to quote McLovin, "Read a (expletive) book for once."

Later gators.

book quiz

2008-06-04T06:27:00.003-05:00

Time for another quiz--this one could be trickier. Rather than pop culture, the topic this time is literature. As I tell my students when they ask me if my class is hard, It's not hard to pass, but it's hard to get an A. Good luck.

1. Name the author of the Holocaust memoir Night. (1 pt.)

2. Which of the following books features a protagonist whose name is a palindrome? (1 pt.)
a. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
b. Tuck Everlasting
c. Holes
d. A Day No Pigs Would Die

3. To find the title of this novel, fill in the blanks: Shug says to Celie, "I think it pisses God off if you walk by _____ _____ _____ in a field somewhere and don't notice it." (1 pt.)

4. Name 3 movies based on Nick Hornby novels. (1 pt. each)

5. The authors of which of the following books became good friends while growing up in Alabama? (1 pt.)
a. The Catcher in the Rye and The Great Gatsby
b. To Kill A Mockingbird and In Cold Blood
c. Empire Falls and She's Come Undone
d. The Innocents Abroad and Walden

6. Name Richard Russo's most recent novel. (1 pt.)

7. Twelfth Night is the only Shakespeare play with an alternate title. What is it? (1 pt.)

8. In an episode of Seinfeld called "The Subway," Jerry tells George not to whistle in an elevator and continues to call George "Biff" throughout the episode. To what play is he alluding? (1 pt.)

9. Who wrote The Giving Tree? (1 pt.)
a. Dr. Seuss
b. Roald Dahl
c. Beatrix Potter
d. Shel Silverstein

10. I'm currently reading a book called Love Marriage by _____. (1 pt.)
a. V. V. Ganeshananthan
b. C. C. Sabathia
c. J. J. Abrams
d. H. H. Holmes

11. The following is the last line in which novel? (1 pt.)

The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.

a. The Pigman, by Paul Zindel
b. Charlotte's Web, by E. B. White
c. Pigs in Heaven, by Barbara Kingsolver
d. Animal Farm, by George Orwell

12. Two novellas from Stephen King's collection Different Seasons were adapted for the screen. What were they? (HINT: They are two of my Top 10 Movies of All-Time.) (1 pt. each)

13. The movie Fight Club is based on the book written by _____. (1 pt.)
a. Chuck Palahniuk
b. Chuck Klosterman
c. Chuck Rosenthal
d. Chuck Klein

14. What book features characters named Crooks, Slim, Candy, Curley, and Curley's wife? (1 pt.)

15. Who wrote "anyone lived in a pretty how town"? (1 pt.)

16. Catch-22 was written by _____. It takes place on the island of _____. The protagonist's name is _____. (1 pt. each)

17. The following is the last line from which novel? (1 pt.)

Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.

a. The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway
b. The Catcher in the Rye, by J. D. Salinger
c. A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, by James Joyce
d. The Grapes of Wrath, by John Steinbeck

18. The narrator of The Great Gatsby is _____. (1 pt.)

19. In The Scarlet Letter, what is the letter? (1 pt.)

20. "Somewhere in la Mancha, in a place whose name I do not care to remember, a gentleman lived not long ago..." What is that gentleman's real name? (1 pt.)

There you go. Twenty questions for 25 points. Answers coming tomorrow.

Later gators.

the big 1-0-0

2008-06-03T07:44:00.004-05:00

Wow. There are so many people I'd like to thank for making my first 100 blog entries possible. Mrs. Burke for teaching me how to type. The fine people at blogspot.com for giving me a forum. My students for being ridiculous and always giving me good material. I couldn't have done this without you.

So on Sunday I went to BFHS's graduation, and it was nice, but I noticed that the Class of '08 didn't have a class motto. This was disappointing. When I was in high school, we did quite a number on the concept of class stuff. We adopted three things for our class: a class flower, class colors, and a class motto. They were:

CLASS FLOWER: the dandelion
CLASS COLORS: white and off-white
CLASS MOTTO: "I like cheese, you like cheese, let's be friends."

Those are facts. So if someone from the Class of '08 reads this and decides that he or she would like to retroactively decide on a class motto, I've got some suggestions:

"I despise cool. I've never seen one frickin' person who I liked who was cool." (Roy Williams)

"Are you really so arrogant as to believe that we are alone in this universe?" (Tom Cruise, when asked if he believed in aliens)

"The loudest guy in the room is the weakest guy in the room." (Frank Lucas, American Gangster)

"Do you know how easy this is for me? Do you know how (expletive) easy this is? Do you have any (expletive) clue? It's a (expletive) joke. And I'm sorry you can't do this, I really am. I'm sorry I have to sit around and watch you fumble around and (expletive) it up." (Will Hunting, Good Will Hunting)

"Children are like TV sets. When they start acting weird, whack them across the head with a big rubber basketball shoe." (Hunter S. Thompson)

"Being a professional means doing your job on the days you don't feel like doing it." (David Halberstam)

"Never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut." (Jimmy Conway, Goodfellas)

"They can do whatever they want. I'll still be eating steak every night." (Philadelphia Phillies infielder Von Hayes, on fans in Philadelphia booing him)

"You think you're so special because you get to play Picture Pages up there? Well, my five year old daughter could do that and let me tell you, she's not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed. So why don't you go back to night school in Mantino and learn a real trade." (Bren to the ultrasound technician, Juno)

"This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time." (Narrator, Fight Club)

"Whether or not what we experienced was an According to Hoyle miracle is insignificant. What is significant is that I felt the touch of God. God got involved." (Jules, Pulp Fiction)

"Whenever I see a homeless guy, I always run back and give him money, because I think, 'Oh my God, what if that was Jesus?'" (Pamela Anderson)

"Beware of all enterprises which require new clothes." (Henry David Thoreau)

"'And death shall be no more,' comma, 'death, thou shalt die.' Nothing but a breath, a comma separates life from life everlasting. Very simple, really. With the original punctuation restored, Death is no longer something to act out on a stage with exclamation marks. It is a comma. A pause. In this way, the uncompromising way, one learns something from the poem, wouldn't you say? Life, death, soul, God, past, present. Not insuperable barriers. Not semi-colons. Just a comma." (E.M. Ashford, Wit)

"This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here." (Michael Scott, The Office)

"I'm not too worried about it, really. I wouldn't worry about it. Don't worry about it. I'm not worried at all." (Evan, Superbad)

"Every time that I have ever tried to help a woman out, I have been incarcerated." (Jose Canseco, The Surreal Life)

"I eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich before every game. Whoever invented that was smart. That's got to be one of the best sandwiches ever." (Ben Gordon, Chicago Bulls)

"Never get less than 12 hours sleep, never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city, and never go near a lady with a tattoo of a dagger on her hand. Now you stick with that, and everything else is cream cheese." (Coach Finstock, Teen Wolf)

So there you go. And even if you're not looking for a class motto, you probably need a little more wisdom in your life. Glad I could help.

Later gators.

sam is better than all of these people

2008-06-02T09:07:00.007-05:00

I listen to country music. I listen to a lot of music, but if I'm driving in the car and I get tired of sports talk radio, I listen to country. And the other day, I turned on 104.5 WSLD (which Sara calls "the salad station"), and the song "Last Dollar," by Tim McGraw, came on. I defy anyone to tell me what that song is about. Is it about his kids? His wife? His fans? His parents? It could be any or none of those. And when he breaks it down and says, "Everybody say, "Ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha,'" that's typically when I go back to ESPN radio. Anyway, it got me thinking about nonsense lyrics. There are a lot, and I think that sometimes artists think that a good beat or melody will overshadow their garbage lyrics. Well, I won't let it happen. I'm prepared to expose them. Here goes:

"Every Morning," by Sugar Ray. I'm stealing this one from a comedian named Rob Paravonian. Here's his riff on the song. Some problematic lyrics: 1) He wants to see if his girlfriend will let him use her "halo" (?) for a "one-night stand," 2) He says, "I left my broken heart open and you ripped it out," even though he's the one who is evidently cheating on her, and 3) There's a point when he's talking about how he wants to "do it again," and a creepy voice in the background repeats, "Shut the door baby--don't say a word." This isn't a pop song. It's the soundtrack for a horror film.

"Our Song," by Taylor Swift. I was riding shotgun with my hair undone in the front seat of his car. He had a one-hand feel on the steering wheel and another on my heart. He had a "one-hand feel" on your heart? What does that mean? Is that an expression I'm not familiar with? Or is this actually a PG-13 song?

"Bust A Move," by Young MC. I'm stealing another one--this time from Chuck Klosterman. In the song, Young says, "Your best friend Harry has a brother Larry. In five days from now he's gonna' marry. He's hopin' you can make it there if you can 'cause in the ceremony, you'll be the best man." A couple of issues here: 1) Who asks someone to be his best man five days before the wedding? And even if you argue that it's some sort of shotgun situation, 2) Why would your best friend's brother ask you to be the best man? Why didn't Larry ask Harry? And if he doesn't get along with his brother, how is he so close to his brother's best friend? Do you see what I'm talking about?

"I'd Rather Ride Around With You," by Reba McIntyre. Another confusing wedding party song. Here's the first verse:

My cousin's gettin' married at the Methodist church
That's why I stayed home from work
I'm supposed to hold the flowers
When the new bride kisses the groom
That's what I'm supposed to do
So what are we doin' with the windows rolled down
Twenty-five passionate miles from town?
I love her like a sister baby but to tell you the truth
I'd rather ride around with you

Do you understand what's going on here? The narrator had a responsibility to be the maid of honor (or at least a bridesmaid) at her cousin's wedding, and she's just out riding around with some guy. When would that ever happen? Answer: It wouldn't.

"All-American Girl," by Carrie Underwood. Speaking of shirking responsibility, this song is about a girl who falls for the "senior football star," at which point he starts "dropping passes" and "skipping practice just to spend more time with her." Now, the coach admonishes the kid and warns him that he'll "lose [his] free ride to college," so we assume that this kid is a legitimately outstanding player. I refuse to believe that any kid with that kind of ability would skip multiple football practices simply to spend time with a girl (even if she is a "sweet little beautiful, wonderful, perfect All-American girl"). Again, it just wouldn't happen.

"Stronger Woman," by Jewel. Apparently Jewel is now a country singer, but her writing chops have not matured since she used "casualty" do describe the state of being casual in her poetry book that was published in 1999. Here's the line that bugs me in this song:

I guess you could say I'm one of those girls
That's always been with one of those guys
You know the type
Like right now, he sleeps while I write

Wow. You're writing a song and he has the audacity to be asleep? What a prick. I guess that she's using this as an example of how he doesn't care about her or something, but seriously, this seems like a pretty rigid expectation--the guy's supposed to be awake every time that she's writing? That seems totally unreasonable. Let the guy rest for crying out loud.

I spend all day preaching to my kids the importance of precise, direct language, and then these people undo all of the work I've done in three and a half minutes. It's just bothersome, you know?

Later gators.

amateurish, unimpressive poetry

2008-05-27T08:59:00.004-05:00

This is going to be a hectic week. I make no promises about my diligence as a blogger. I will do my best.

Today, my best consists of 2 poems I wrote in college. The last English class I had to take in college was Senior Portfolio, in which we had to choose half a dozen or so things we'd written in our high school careers for a portfolio. Most of that (i.e. "'I really don't care about the white audiences': Satirization of Western Culture in Thomas King's Green Grass, Running Water") would not interest you. But I put 2 poems in there that I wrote in Creative Writing: Poetry, and they might be good for a laugh. Plus I don't have to do much thinking. So enjoy.

"For Elton John and My Mom"

Dad says a dank, dark garage is no place to spend a Friday night.
He hates Dylan and the Stones. And me.
He doesn't want to hear what we have to say.
There is so much pain in the F sharp minor chord.

He hates Dylan and the Stones. And me.
If he lays one more finger on her, so help me...for the thousandth time.
There is so much pain in the F sharp minor chord.
Is there any music in him at all?

If he lays one more finger on her, so help me...for the thousandth time.
She cries tears of bitterness and fear in the background.
Is there any music in him at all?
Brother is in a basement somewhere high, laughing at his life.

She cries tears of bitterness and fear in the background.
Sister buys a train ticket for somewhere. Anywhere. Freedom.
Brother is in a basement somewhere high, laughing at his life.
Meanwhile, I play "Tiny Dancer" in the garage till morning.

Sister buys a train ticket for somewhere. Anywhere. Freedom.
I remember being six and eating ice cream, watching the ducks swim in Mill Pond.
Meanwhile, I play "Tiny Dancer" in the garage till morning.
The pain, the hate, the rage--what a great song it would make.

I remember being six and eating ice cream, watching the ducks swim in Mill Pond.
He doesn't want to hear what we have to say.
The pain, the hate, the rage--what a great song it would make.
Dad says a dank, dark garage is no place to spend a Friday night.

"The Pen"

Here I sit,
with Morgo and Fauker and Zitty and Tom,
just a hundred feet from crafty pitchers and graceful middle-infielders,
towering fly balls and suicide squeezes,
in the bullpen.

The bullpen smells like a guy who hasn't washed his uniform in four days
chewing a thousand pieces of bubblegum.
The bullpen sounds like chatter and dirty jokes.
Hum, Kid. Ring the bell. You'll do it.
Same stuff
every
single
day.
The bullpen tastes like day-old sunflower seeds,
salty and dry.
Occasionally a splinter of the shell gets stuck in your throat.

The bullpen feels like it looks--
a bunch of tired ballplayers with three-day beards
swimming through the humidity,
anxious when Coach points a bony finger their way.
Get up, Lefty, he'll say.
And Lefty will hop the chain link fence,
deliver a few pitches to the bullpen catcher--
Pop. Pop. POP!
Then he'll jog to the mound to the cheers of a dozen parents
who don't know his name.

And Morgo and Fauker and Zitty and Tom
will sit.
With me.
In the bullpen.

Later gators.

teacher man mailbag 3

2008-05-23T07:26:00.003-05:00

I was reading Bill Simmons recently, and someone pointed out to him that the phrase "mailing it in" is sort of outdated. This person's argument was that, in light of recent technological developments, actually mailing something turns out to be significantly more work than most other methods of communication. You've got to write it out, then you've got to find an envelope and a stamp. Eventually, you need to find a post office or a mailbox. "Mailing it in" is a pain in the ass. So why is it a metaphor for taking the easy way out? Simmons's suggestion was that we replace "mailing it in" with "texting it in."

I have no other ideas, so today I'm doing a mailbag. Today, I'm texting it in.

"Is an exclamation point ever good? And now I have the Reading Rainbow song in my head. Thank you very much." (claire, "teacher man dictionary")
1) It's not exactly good or bad. It's more like a "woah" or a "huh?" Like the other day when a kid wrote that sheep were the "Paris Hiltons of farm animals." It's a statement that makes you take pause, but who am I to argue? 2) Some interesting LaVar Burton trivia: His first name is actually Levardis. He was born in West Germany. He played Martin Luther King, Jr. in Ali. He has participated in the World Poker Tour. He was the strongest link in the Star Trek episode of The Weakest Link. The Oakland Athletics let him play with them during spring training while he was doing the Reading Rainbow episode Dinosaur Bob and His Adventures with the Family Lazardo. Not many other places on the web that you can learn that kind of information.

"This one is my favorite: A BIRTHDAY CARD found in San Francisco, CA: 'Happy 30th kiddo. It gets better and better! Then it gets worse. Dad.' PS - Kelly - I heart Swarley, too!! The look at Robin was awesome. But, I don't really like Stella, so I hope she's not the mother!?!?!" (stacy, "found")
First of all, I don't condone the excessive use of punctuation here, even if you are the kind of doctor that doesn't help people. Second, I thought that my newly-thirty friends would enjoy that one. Third, I haven't seen last week's HIMYM yet, so I can't comment, but I'm sure that Stella's not the mother, and the entire narrative device is starting to irritate me.

STOP: I'm sorry because I'm pausing in the middle of an entry to share what just happened in the computer lab, but this is the sort of thing that needs to be shared. I'm sitting at a computer typing my blog entry. Mr. Phillips's class is in here, ostensibly to do work. Some kid--Carl perhaps--starts scooting around the room in his chair (the kind with wheels). He's leaning back in the goofy way that 2nd-graders often do, and all of a sudden, when everything is silent, he just falls out of his chair onto the ground. Then he gets up, drags his chair back to his computer, sits down, and starts telling the kid next to him how it happened. And this kind of thing happens every single day.

Anyway, the "how I met your mother" element of How I Met Your Mother is wearing thin. I mean, those kids are still wearing the same clothes! Are we to assume that this is one long story that Danny Tanner has been telling them? It's also always been kind of troubling to me the kinds of stories he shares with his kids--that show gets pretty racy at times. Do you think there's going to be a spin-off called How My Dad Scarred Me For Life With Stories Of His Debauched Bachelorhood? Anyway, it's nitpicky stuff because I still love the show, but I just thought I'd throw it out there.

"ps: Check out http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/" (sfoofie, "found")
I do not know who sfoofie is, but she's right. This web site is hilarious. My favorite part so far is the collection of notes people have written about co-workers/etc. stealing their Hot Pockets. An example: "To whom stole the hotpockets! They did not belong to you! By you consuming said hotpockets, you have committed a theft! This shall not be tolerated!"

"I always make my brothers mad by participating in the draft and then proceeding to do absolutely nothing for the rest of the season until one of them calls me mad b/c apparently they offered me some 'trade' weeks previously." (the ben show, "don't forget: i suck at fantasy baseball")
2 things here. 1) You're wrong. Your brothers aren't mad at you because you lose interest in the league. They are mad at you because you have a condescending attitude toward fantasy baseball. Do you know how I know? You put quotation marks around "trade." They offered me some "trade." What the hell is that? A trade is a legitimate part of fantasy baseball. Just because I suck at it doesn't mean I don't respect the sanctity of the game. I'm not sure that you do. 2) I'm excerpting Kelly's blog because I laughed out loud at her Thursday entry this week--it's a conversation between her and her husband Ryan. We begin with Kelly stealing Ryan's laptop while he's doing work:

KELLY: (mumbling) Do you mind if I just see who won?
RYAN: (interrupting) Well, Hillary took Kentucky, but I think Obama's gonna crush her in Oregon.
KELLY: (blushing) Oh...I meant on Dancing With The Stars.

"I think dressing as Dwight was the best one... that, and when he put Dwight's desk in the bathroom, and then Dwight answered the phone." (sara, "top 10 jim halpert pranks")
Okay, so I made a mistake. Virtually every comment I received regarding yesterday's post said that Jim dressing up as Dwight was the best. Then yesterday (in Advanced Comp.!), we watched "Product Recall," and you know what? You're right. I goofed. It's the best. My mistake. Won't happen again.

Enjoy your long weekend, gators.

top 10 jim halpert pranks

2008-05-22T08:02:00.009-05:00

My long lost buddy Claire posed 2 questions in her comments yesterday. The first, I can answer quickly: I have no Orioles on my fantasy baseball team. Why would I? The second is trickier. While she was specifically asking about Jim Halpert's most recent prank on Dwight Schrute on NBC's The Office, the essence of her question was this: What is the best prank Jim ever played on Dwight? Wow. Well, I haven't done a top 10 list in a while, so this seems like a good opportunity. Here goes nothing. To begin, those that didn't quite make the cut:

HONORABLE MENTION: Jim tells Dwight that the Ben Franklin impersonator is "the real Ben Franklin"; Jim convinces Dwight that he has a "tell" at Casino Night; Jim convinces Dwight to explain to the Benihana's waitress how to "butcher a goose"; Jim stares at Dwight's forehead; Jim and Pam convince Dwight that he has "pretendinitis"; Jim submits Dwight's resume to Monster.com, Craigslist, and Google; Jim replaces Dwight's pens and pencils with crayons; Jim plants a bloody glove in Dwight's drawer; Jim convinces Dwight to deliver a Mussolini-like speech when he receives Salesman of the Year; Jim moves Dwight's desk into the men's room; Jim convinces Dwight that he (Jim) is telekinetic; Jim convinces Dwight that he (Jim) is a vampire; Jim trains Dwight to want an Altoid whenever he (Jim) starts his computer

And the final Honorable Mention choice goes to Jim forwarding Dwight's phone to his own--sorry, Claire, but there's just no way it cracks the top 10. But here are those that do--the Top 10 Jim Halpert Pranks of All-Time:

10. Jim gives Dwight Gaydar.
THE EPISODE: "Gay Witch Hunt" (Season 3)
THE PRANK: Michael inadvertently "outs" Oscar, so Michael and Dwight start wondering who else in the office might be gay. (Michael theorizes that Angela and Oscar might be having a gay affair--Jan says that's not possible--Michael says anything is possible.) Dwight calls Jim (in Stamford) because Jim once told him you could get Gaydar at Sharper Image. He claims that it's sold out, but in the final scene of the episode, Dwight gets the gadget in the mail from Jim. We can assume it's a metal detector since it goes off when it passes by Oscar's belt and, shortly thereafter, when it passes by Dwight's belt. Uh-oh.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: The great thing about this is that it falls right into Jim's lap and he knows exactly what to do with it. The effort he took in creating the Gaydar is impressive. Dwight's reaction when he sets it off is priceless.
MEMORABLE LINE: "Do some research. Find out if there's a way to tell just by looking at them." (Michael)

9. Jim convinces Dwight it's Friday.
THE EPISODE: "Performance Review" (Season 2)
THE PRANK: On some random Thursday, Dwight is, for whatever reason, convinced that it's Friday. So Jim goes with it. Dwight can't figure out why he went out drinking with his laser tag friends on a Thursday night, and he's furious that he missed The Apprentice.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: In large part because of the final scene when Dwight runs into the office, his shirt untucked and his hair mussed, finally realizing that it's a work day.
MEMORABLE LINE: "It's Thursday, but Dwight thinks it's Friday. So that's what I'm going to be doing this afternoon." (Jim)

8. Jim puts Dwight's stapler in Jell-O.
THE EPISODE: "The Pilot" (Season 1)
THE PRANK: Jim puts Dwight's stapler in Jell-O. That's about it. We're led to believe it's happened several times before.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: Because it's a classic. It's repeated with Andy when Jim goes to Stamford, but when you think of Jim and Dwight, you think of the stapler in Jell-O.
MEMORABLE LINE: "Dwight, I'm sorry because I've always been your biggest flan." (Jim)

7. Jim fills Dwight's handset with nickels.
THE EPISODE: "Conflict Resolution" (Season 2)
THE PRANK: When Michael is trying to resolve years' worth of conflicts between Jim and Dwight, Jim explains that he would add a couple of nickels to Dwight's handset every day until he got used to the weight, at which point he removed all of the nickels and, we assume, Dwight clocked himself with the new, seemingly-light receiver.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: While we don't actually see it happen, the image of Dwight taking a telephone receiver to the side of the head is very funny. And I think everyone now wants to try it and see if it would work. I do anyway.
MEMORABLE LINE: "That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!" (Dwight)

6. Jim (with help from Pam) sends Dwight classified letters from the CIA.
THE EPISODE: "A Benihana Christmas" (Season 3)
THE PRANK: It starts with Pam sending Dwight the letters, then she hands it off to Jim, who notifies Dwight that the CIA needs him at their Langley headquarters for training and an ice cream social with the other agents. Dwight waits for the helicopter on the roof until he gets a text message telling him to abort because the mission has been compromised.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: Excellent commitment to the prank from both Jim and Pam. Outstanding example of teamwork. And the finishing touch--convincing Dwight to "destroy" his phone by throwing it off the building--is spectacular.
MEMORABLE LINE: "Last year my boss, Michael Scott, took a day off because he said he had pneumonia, but really he was leaving early to go to magic camp." (Jim reading Dwight's secrets)

5. Jim does nothing with Dwight's wallet.
THE EPISODE: "Office Olympics" (Season 2)
THE PRANK: Jim finds Dwight's wallet in the parking lot and brings it to Pam because he can't decide what to do with it. After going through a variety of possibilities, they decide to return it to him untouched. Dwight, however, is suspicious and immediately cancels all of his credit cards.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: The brilliant simplicity. Like the classic Seinfeld episode in which Jerry's girlfriend just tells him that she put "something" of his in the toilet, Jim lets Dwight's imagination do the work for him.
MEMORABLE LINE: "I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what the best play is. Do we tear everything up, or do we buy a horse on the Internet? I mean, I don't know what to do." (Jim)

4. Jim dresses as Dwight.
THE EPISODE: "Product Recall" (Season 3)
THE PRANK: Jim sees a pair of glasses like the ones Dwight wears at the drugstore for $4. He buys a short-sleeved shirt and tie that look like something Dwight would wear for $7, and he wears them to work. "Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica."
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: Maybe the best laugh-out-loud prank of all-time.
MEMORABLE LINE: "Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!" (Dwight)

3. Jim sends faxes from Future Dwight.
THE EPISODE: "Branch Closing" (Season 3)
THE PRANK: When Jim heads to Stamford, he steals some of Dwight's stationery and sends Dwight faxes. From himself. From the future.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: Because Dwight sprints across the room and knocks Stanley's coffee cup out of his hand before he can drink it. That was awesome.
MEMORABLE LINE: "Dwight: At 8 AM today, someone poisons the coffee. Do NOT drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight." (Jim's fax to Dwight)

2. Jim forms an alliance with Dwight.
THE EPISODE: "The Alliance" (Season 1)
THE PRANK: Talk of downsizing makes Dwight nervous, so he approaches Jim to form an alliance. Jim agrees. In the prank's climax, Jim and Pam convince Dwight to hide in a box in the warehouse in hopes of overhearing a secret conversation.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: The prank concludes when Dwight emerges from the box as Roy watches, confused. Excellent pay-off.
MEMORABLE LINE: "Can I trust Jim? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No. I think, I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me." (Dwight)

1. Jim puts Dwight's stuff in the vending machine.
THE EPISODE: "Booze Cruise" (Season 2)
THE PRANK: Jim is friendly with the vending machine guy, so when he comes to stock the machine, Jim convinces him to put some of Dwight's stuff--a pencil cup, a stapler, Dwight's wallet, etc.--in place of the typical fare.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: It makes the list because it's awesome, but it's #1 because it concludes with Jim and Pam handing him a bag of nickels with which to buy back his stuff. It keeps the prank from being mean-spirited without taking any of the edge off. Brilliant.
MEMORABLE LINE: "What do I want, what do I want? Ooh. Pencil cup." (Pam)

So there you have it. Discussion?

Later gators.

don't forget: i suck at fantasy baseball

2008-05-21T09:06:00.003-05:00

Most fantasy baseball experts agree that you can't really tell what you've got as a fantasy baseball owner until 6 weeks into the season. Well, we are now just over 6 weeks into the season, and I still don't know what I've got because I don't know anything about fantasy baseball. However, I thought it would be a good time to give you a run-down on my team and my season so far. So without further ado, a look at the papelboners:

TEAM NAME: the papelboners
It was a lucky break that I was able to snag Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon in the 7th round because I'd had this team name in mind for quite some time. As an added plus, JP's got 13 saves and a 2.45 ERA on the season. I'd have taken him anyway.

THE LEAGUE: Get Off the Shed!!!
An obvious reference to the Will Ferrel SNL sketch in which he seems to be a mild-mannered suburbanite grilling hot dogs for a neighborhood barbecue, then flips out because his kids keep climbing on the shed. Good times.

CURRENT STANDINGS: 5th place
There are 8 teams composed of college buddies--mostly baseball players. For one day, I was in first (because I have a bunch of Red Sox and they played before anyone else). It was the greatest day of my life. I will not get higher than 5th.

BEST PLAYER: Kevin Youkilis, Boston Red Sox
Ironically, the guy who's performed the best for me is one that I didn't even draft--I picked him up off the waiver wire a week into the season. Regardless, he's hitting .328 with 9 HR's and 34 RBI's. That's solid.

WORST PLAYER: Nick Swisher, Chicago White Sox
He may get better, but right now he's hitting .208. Doesn't matter--I picked him up in a trade with Luke Hagel and I mostly just wanted Cliff Lee, the stud pitcher for Cleveland that nobody can hit.

BEST DRAFT PICK: Magglio Ordonez, Detroit Tigers
This isn't the same as my best player, not only because I didn't draft Youkilis, but because we're talking about value for the round in which he was drafted. For example, my top pick should be really good (we'll talk about that in a minute), but I got Ordonez in the 6th round--that means over 40 players had already been drafted--and he's hitting .312 with 7 HR's and 24 RBI's. Second place goes to my 10th-round pick, Yankees closer Mariano Rivera.

WORST DRAFT PICK: Jose Reyes, New York Mets
My #1 pick--the 2nd pick overall--is hitting .270. He has a lot of stolen bases--12--but he's average in everything else. He's not horrible, but I could have had anyone except A-Rod, and there are a lot of players playing much better than JR.

BEST MESSAGE BOARD COMMENT INVOLVING ME: "Baker is the gift that keeps on giving," Chuck Saponara
My buddy Chuck said this because I kept dropping guys that, evidently, I should have kept. How am I supposed to know? I don't even watch baseball.

PREDICTIONS FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON: 1) I'll finish second-to-last. 2) I will make a trade that will make everyone in my league furious because they think I'm throwing the season when I'm really just underinformed. 3) I'll forget that I have a team in that league around mid-August. 4) Next year, I'll do all of these things again. (Maybe I'll finish in dead last, though.)

So there you have it. I love fantasy baseball.

Later gators.

found

2008-05-20T08:11:00.006-05:00

It has been well-documented in this very blog that students have a remarkable capacity to act like jackasses, and there is perhaps no place where this is more apparent than the library. For reasons that remain unclear to me, students are allowed to sign in to the library during study halls, regardless of whether they actually need to be in the library. As a result, a lot of loud, obnoxious kids gather at the center tables every hour to see how much they can talk without getting in serious trouble. It's a very academic environment. In an effort to combat the noise (and general idiocy), the librarians have put together a collection of "Selections for the Terminally Bored" on one of the shelves. The other day, I finished grading papers while my Advanced Comp. kids were in the library computer lab, so I strolled over to check it out, thinking I'd spend the last 15 minutes of class reading The Far Side or looking for Waldo. But I found something else.

Even though I've been warned not to, I judged this coffee table-type book by its cover, making note of the bright colors and quotes, such as "A great book" (David Letterman) and "It will break your heart" (David Sedaris). The book was called Found. I don't want to overexaggerate here, but I think it's the most brilliant thing I've ever held in my hands. Here's the story:

The author (editor?), Davy Rothbart, tells a story about one night when he was visiting a friend. He left to find a note under his windshield wiper that read, "Mario, I f***ing hate you. You said you had to work then whys your car HERE at HER place?? You're a f***ing LIAR. I hate you I f***ing hate you. Amber. PS Page me later." Point of clarification: Davy is not Mario. Amber had made a mistake. But it got Davy to thinking about all of the random notes/letters/pictures/etc. that you come across on the street/left on computer lab printers/in school hallways/etc. So he decided to collect them and put them into a book. Sounds simple enough, right? Well, the book that we have in our library is the second collection, based mostly on things that avid readers of his magazine (here's the web site) sent in. Again, there's basically no context for any of this stuff, but I think that adds to the allure. Here are some examples (disregard grammatical/spelling/etc. errors--everything here is word for word, letter for letter):

A WILL found in Chicago, IL: "I, Al Burian, being of reasonably sound mind and body, do hereby deliver my last will and testament, on this morning of November 3, 2001. Should I die under circumstances other than the total collapse of civilization, i.e., if it's at all possible to arrange a funeral, I would like it to happen in the following manner: I'd prefer to be cremated, then have my remains laid into the earth in a ceremony where 'Another one bites the dust' by Queen plays over a public address system. That should put people in a jovial mood and hopefully a good party will follow. Signed, Al Burian."

A NOTE found in Las Cruces, NM: "Love you Dad. Get job. Just joking."

A FATHER'S DAY CARD found in Delton, WI: "Happy Fathers day to you, even though you told me I couldn't cook and the pie I made sucked."

A NOTE found in Ann Arbor, MI: "Here is a Free Ticket to the Thursday, Jan 22nd performance of EMU's gritty drama, In the Blood. We hope you can attend and enjoy the show! Sincerely, Billy, Angela, Dave, Misty, and Chris...and Jesus."

A LETTER found in Gainesville, FL: "Dear Mrs. Dionne, I am so, so sorry about your husband. I want you to know that it was not my fault. I left Dragon's Tongue. Nick Trenkle and Dom Walbridge did most of what was done. Andy is a great photographer. I saw you at the trial, and I wanted so terribly much to say something to you. To tell you how sorry I was. How sorry I am. I am so, so sorry. Sincerely, Mike Mcafee."

A NOTE found on the door of a store in Sebago, ME: "Today is my grandmothers 100 birthday AND There is a raccoon in my bathroom. Will open at 3 p.m. Thanks."

A LETTER found in Chicago, IL: "Mike, I have lost the will to write, act, compose, create. Have a nice day. Mitch."

A TO-DO LIST found in Los Angeles, CA: "1) Pray to God for guidance. 2) Find local cat for blood sacrifice...3) Kick dog for recent barking...7) Untie the neighbors. 8) Talk it over with them...9) Thaw out chicken in freezer. 10) Call Manny for recipe--chicken pot pie??"

A BIRTHDAY CARD found in San Francisco, CA: "Happy 30th kiddo. It gets better and better! Then it gets worse. Dad."

A NOTE found beneath the covers of a motel bed in Latham, NY: "If this is still here, they didn't make the bed after I slept in it. Yuck."

A HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT found in Sacramento, CA (NOTE: We don't know the questions--only the answers): "1) I would name my twins Mickey and Miney. 2) Hell no, I mean if your gonna control the U.S. armed forces then you have to be born and raised here in the U.S. 3) The book would be about the ghettos of the world and the title would be 'The ghettos of the world.' 4) Set my arms on fire using rubbing alcohol or spitting flames using rubbing alcohol. 5) Nothing at all. 6) I love you God, Jesus saved me."

That's just the tip of the iceberg. Some of it's funny (a collection of fan mail to Adam Sandler), some of it's sad (a couple of suicide notes), and some of it's terrifying ("There are two children buried under a home located in Long Beach!"). But it's gripping from beginning to end. I'm asking for the first one for the next holiday for which it's acceptable for me to ask for gifts. Possibly Memorial Day.

Later gators.

joe mooney (part 5)

2008-05-16T07:37:00.004-05:00

PAUL MOONEY DIED OF A BRAIN ANEURYSM IN 1991. On Easter.

I don’t know if Joe Mooney chose me to replace his dead twin brother because we shared a name or if there was some other reason. We were roughly the same age. I had brothers, one of whom was around pretty often. I kept enough of a distance from my neighbor that reality was never going to get in the way of his fantasy. There were plenty of possible reasons for it, but that’s definitely what happened.

Joe Mooney kept the journal that Josh and I found in that desk drawer meticulously. He began writing in the fall of 1989, and he wrote a one-page entry--no more, no less--every Saturday until the night before he broke into my house. The book was thick, made thicker with the dozens of newspaper articles he had neatly clipped, folded, and inserted between pages here and there. The clipping between March 30th and April 6th of 1991 was an obituary:

Paul Mooney, 24, of Mayville, IL, died in his home on Sunday, March 31, 1991. He was preceded in death by his father, Joseph. He is survived by his mother, Paula; his brother, Joseph, Jr.; and his wife, Carrie (Millis). There will be a visitation from 5 to 8 p.m. on Thursday, April 4, at the Lockwood Funeral Home and Crematory in Mayville. There will be no funeral services.

His April 6th entry makes no mention of his brother. But the following week, this is what he wrote:

APRIL 13TH, 1991
I miss Paul. He hasn’t visited in over a week. I know he’s not busy--I saw him sitting on the porch drinking a beer not two hours ago. I even bought a case of Sierra Nevada for him when he comes over. I know it’s his favorite. I think he’s still mad at me for telling him to leave Carrie. I don’t care. He is too good for her. She’s mean to him. And she keeps him away all the time. Anyway, I hope he forgives me soon. Maybe I should just go over there and apologize. He would forgive me and we could watch a ballgame or something. Maybe we could walk down to Cobb’s and shoot pool. Anything. I just miss my brother…

Over the next eight years, every entry that mentions Paul is a reference to me. There is a newspaper picture of me at a church function and a clipping of an article in which I was mentioned because I worked on Mary Derringer’s staff when she ran for mayor. My name is neatly highlighted in yellow.

As I said, Joe Mooney's last entry is dated the night before he broke into my house to prepare a ham, and it makes no mention of me or his plan. Maybe that's not the kind of thing you plan. I don't know. And I couldn't tell you where he is right now. A good guess might be Florida. Possibly South America. I always imagine places with pineapples.

I REMEMBER THE SPRING OF 1991. It wasn’t ice cold, and it wasn’t even snow cold. In fact, it was unseasonably warm. I remember that I spent a lot of nights sitting on my porch listening to baseball that spring. I was almost a year out of college, proud of myself for landing a job with a salary that afforded me the opportunity to own my own home when most of my classmates were still living in their parents’ basements. I was alone and I was happy. Joe Mooney was just alone.

joe mooney (part 4)

2008-05-15T08:20:00.004-05:00

THE FRONT OF THE POSTCARD FEATURED THE SUN SETTING ON A GENERIC CITY SKYLINE. The back said, “Paul, I’ve missed you. Check the top left desk drawer. Key’s in the planter. Joe.”

I stared at those words for three days, curious and scared. The police had brought Joe Mooney in that Easter night two months earlier, but they released him when I chose not to press charges. Then he ran away.

I approached my neighbors more in the two weeks that followed than I had in the first four years I’d lived on Beckman Avenue combined. Someone had to know something about Joe Mooney, I thought, but it seemed that I was wrong. All I got was a string of useless adjectives: quiet, nice, polite, etc. I decided that I needed to check out Joe Mooney’s top left desk drawer, and if I was going to do that, I needed daylight and company, so Josh came over on Saturday morning and we headed for the blue A-frame down the street.

The key was poorly hidden in a green planter on the front porch. We stepped inside half-expecting to find a bloody altar in the living room, or at least a strange odor wafting up from the basement, but at first glance, there was nothing worth noting. It wouldn’t have been impossible for one to imagine that Joe Mooney had simply stepped out for the morning, perhaps to get breakfast at Al’s. It wouldn’t have been impossible to imagine that Joe Mooney would be sitting there in his bathrobe drinking a cup of coffee, a thought that made me uneasy for a moment.

“Pineapple mirror,” Josh said.

“What?”

“The mirror. It’s a big pineapple.”

“Right. Let’s just find the desk.”

We checked out the living room, the kitchen, the dining room, and the den. Unremarkable. The place was mildly cluttered, but certainly not dirty. No bizarre hobbies or interests were discernible from the cursory glance we gave to his rooms. Quiet, nice, polite, I thought. Sounds about right.

The first four rooms were without desks, but our fifth stop was what appeared to be Joe Mooney’s bedroom, and in the far right corner there sat a cheap-looking desk--the kind you buy at Target and assemble yourself. It was bare except for a few old National Geographics stacked neatly in one corner. It featured a thin middle drawer and two bigger drawers on either side. I wanted a second to prepare myself, but before I could take my obligatory deep breath, Josh had pulled out Joe Mooney’s top left desk drawer.

joe mooney (part 3)

2008-05-14T07:03:00.007-05:00

I HAD TO PARK MY COROLLA ON MY FRONT LAWN when we returned home that night because my brothers’ cars were in the driveway, and my brothers were heading out. I glanced at Joe Mooney’s house as I climbed out of the driver’s side door. It was dark.

“Call me Tuesday if it warms up,” Josh said as he started his truck. Josh and I were the brothers that stayed in Sheffield, and we played golf on Tuesday nights all summer. We were hoping to get out that week, but it was ice cold out that Easter, and Josh was skeptical of the weathermen who told him that temperatures would reach the low 50’s in a scant 48 hours. I told him I’d call him and he backed out, leaving me with the house to myself for the first time in three days.

I walked to the mailbox, knowing that it would be empty, buying time and giving myself an opportunity to continue to scope out the house that I was now sure belonged to Joe Mooney. I stood on the sidewalk for maybe a minute, my hands drawn back into my coat sleeves, my breath foggy in the cold, before I decided that it was Easter, and what the hell? I walked to his front door and knocked. No answer. I knocked again. No answer. I rang the bell and waited for another minute before deciding that I had done my neighborly duty. Ninety seconds later, I opened my own front door, entirely unprepared for a tuxedoed Joe Mooney to tell me that the ham was “almost ready.”

“I ALMOST GAVE UP ON YOU,” Joe Mooney said as he slipped a plaid oven mitt onto his chubby paw.

Every light in my house was off, but there were four candles ablaze on the dining room table. The candles didn’t look familiar, but the white tablecloth was one I kept in the linen closet for special occasions. The table was set with two plates, two wine glasses, two sets of my good silverware, and two burgundy cloth napkins. A large bowl of salad--the kind that comes in a bag--sat to one side, and another smaller bowl with half a dozen baked potatoes sat to the other. A bottle of Charles Shaw wine--“Two Buck Chuck” we used to call it--had been opened and looked about half-empty. Joe Mooney’s tuxedo--a standard black and white with a cumberbund rather than a vest--looked a little snug.

“Remember this?” he asked.

“Remember what?”

“The tux. I noticed you noticing it. It’s the one I wore to your wedding.”

“Joe, what’s going on?” He hadn’t introduced himself, but by this time there could be no doubt that it was indeed Joe Mooney standing in my kitchen.

“I brought wine,” he said. “Pour yourself a glass.”

“Joe?”

“Yes?”

“What’s going on?”

Joe Mooney paused for a moment as he pulled a glazed Virginia ham garnished with pineapples out of my oven.

“Is something going on?” he said.

“How did you get into my house?”

“I used your spare key.”

“What spare key?”

“The one you gave me in case of an emergency." I'm sure that I looked puzzled. Joe Mooney took note. "Oh, I know this isn’t an emergency, but I thought it would be a nice surprise,” he explained.

“I’ve never given you a spare key to my house.”

Joe laughed nervously, awkwardly. “Who’s the crazy one now?” he said. “You gave me that key years ago.”

“Joe, I’ve never spoken to you before today. I wasn’t even sure who you were when you called me this morning.”

Joe Mooney looked hurt, like a child whose father has just told him he’s too tired to play ball. He reached for a knife, which made me nervous, but as he began to carve the ham, he smiled.

“I can never tell when you’re being serious, Paul. You had me going there for a minute.”

“Joe, I’d like you to go.”

“I hope those potatoes aren’t overcooked,” he said. “You said you’d be home around seven.”

“Joe,” I said more harshly than before.

“But I don’t think you can overcook potatoes. I’m pretty sure I read that somewhere.”

“Joe!” I shouted.

“Don’t yell at me!” he shouted back. I was still standing in the hallway in my winter coat, and I took a small step toward the front door. Joe Mooney’s bottom lip trembled, and he closed his eyes tightly as he spoke. “First, I invite you over for lunch and you back out at the last minute. Then you invite me over for dinner, and I make this beautiful meal, and you don’t even want to enjoy it. Well, you know what Paul? I think you’re being an asshole.”

He was probably right, at least partly. I was being a little bit of an asshole--he clearly needed something, and I was trying to blow him off--but I was nervous, possibly terrified.

“Joe,” I said. “I appreciate what you’ve done here, I really do. But this isn’t the best time for me. Would it be possible for me to take a rain check?”

I didn’t believe that Joe Mooney was a violent man, but it was a relief to see him set the carving knife down on the counter anyway. He stepped back and stared blankly at his hands as he wiped them with a dishtowel. He chuckled in a way that didn’t make me feel better.

“Sure,” he said. “Rain check. You got it.” Then Joe Mooney set down the dishtowel and walked toward me. He stopped, and without making eye contact, he hugged me. It was an awkward hug, and I did not reciprocate. Then he walked to the door, opened it, and turned to face me. He stood for a moment, opened his mouth as though he were going to say something important, then smiled and shook his head. “See you, Paul.”

I locked the door as soon as it was shut, then I sat in the dark and watched Joe Mooney through my front window for ten minutes. Clad only in his tuxedo, he stood in my front yard staring into the ice cold night sky. Finally, I called the police.

joe mooney (part 2)

2008-05-13T08:16:00.003-05:00

MY BROTHERS WERE IN TOWN OVER EASTER WEEKEND OF 1997, and we had spent Saturday night howling at the moon. I was sleeping hard, my head at the foot of the bed and my feet up top, when Josh flipped on the light in my bedroom at 5 a.m.

“Phone,” he said. I strained to lift my head, my eyes still closed tightly.

“What?”

“Phone. Some guy. Mooney? Moody? I don’t know.”

He dropped the phone on the pillow next to my head and went back to his place on the couch I’d taken from our grandparents’ house after our grandma had died the previous fall.

“Yeah? Hello?” I said.

“Hey, Paul. It’s Joe.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Joe Mooney. From down the street.”

“Oh sure,” I said, but I had no idea who I was speaking to. “What can I do for you Joe?”

“Happy Easter!”

“Thank you.”

“I’m thinking of throwing something together for lunch. You busy?”

“Today?”

“Of course today!” he said loudly, reminding me of the four--possibly seven--shots of Jagermeister I had downed the night before.

“I can’t today. My brothers are in town. We’re going to see my mom.”

“Mom, huh? Where’s she at again?”

“Elderhaven. Over in Cranston.”

“Right, right,” he said. He paused for a couple of long seconds. “Well, I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it today. Like I said, I’ve got people coming over. Tell her I said hi.”

“Yeah, okay,” I said, still trying to make sense of these last couple of sentences, but he hung up before the words came out.

“RUTH HENDERSON IS A WHORE AND THAT’S ALL I’VE GOT TO SAY,” said my mother when Josh, Scott, David, and I were settled into her cramped apartment.

“Mom, you can’t say that,” said Scott.

“You don’t believe me?”

“That’s not the point. It’s just that you can’t go around calling Mrs. Henderson a whore.”

“Miss Henderson!” my mother said. “It’s miss, and don’t you forget it. She doesn’t want anyone thinking she’s off the market. And don’t you tell me what is and is not the point. I’ll tell you what the point is. The point is that Ruth Henderson is a damn whore. David, do you remember that little tart you brought home the summer after you graduated?”

“Mom!”

“Well, even she would have been embarrassed to see the way Ruth Henderson flounces and struts around this place.”

My mother had been at Elderhaven for about six months, and she wasn’t happy. The people were nice, but my mother was a caretaker--the one who made pancakes for breakfast when your friends spent the night or woke up at dawn to make sure the shirts that you and your brothers wanted to wear were properly ironed. What she didn’t like about Elderhaven was that she was now the one being taken care of.

Over the next few hours, we talked, played cards, and went for a walk, but I couldn’t shake the thought of Joe Mooney’s early morning phone call. I still didn’t know which neighbor I had spoken to, but I had a picture in my head of the overweight guy in the blue A-frame because he was single and reclusive, and I figured that those things had to be true of a guy to whom it wouldn't occur that most people would already have plans for Easter. I wondered if anyone would accept his invitation. Maybe everyone would. How did I know? Maybe Joe Mooney was a celebrity on Beckman Avenue, and I just didn’t know it. He seemed nice enough.

joe mooney (part 1)

2008-05-12T07:13:00.004-05:00

THERE IS A KIND OF COLD THAT EXISTS IN THE MIDWEST. I don’t believe that it exists elsewhere. That’s not to say it doesn’t get cold elsewhere--I know that it does. But I am from Wisconsin, and if you are also from Wisconsin, then you will know precisely what I am talking about. The rest of you have probably visited Door County, or you’ve been to a party in Madison, or you have a cousin in Fond du Lac, so you won’t know it precisely, but you’ll be able to imagine it.

First, you stand in your living room and you can see the cold. It makes everything look clearer, like the drive home from the eye doctor on the day you got contact lenses. But it’s a little scary. It presses its nose against the bay window and watches you wrap your scarf around your neck with mittened hands. As you step outside, it finds any uncovered skin. It crawls through the space between your mitten and your coat sleeve. It clings to the hairs in your nose when you breathe it in. It bites your ear. I do not associate this kind of cold with snow, but rather with ice. Snow cold is softer. Ice cold is harsh. Snow cold pushes you around. Ice cold slaps you in the face. And while this kind of cold is most prevalent during the winter months, it sometimes continues on into March, and occasionally into April. Sometimes this kind of cold sticks around for Easter, and on Easters when the ice cold comes to visit, I think of Joe Mooney.

Joe Mooney was a fat man who didn’t seem to mind, and he lived three doors down from me in a blue A-frame. I was in his house only once, but the house itself was pleasant enough. There were empty beer bottles here and there--he was a bachelor after all--but it was mostly well-kept. The only thing that really stood out to me was the pineapples. They were all over the wallpaper, and I think there were pineapple-shaped soaps in the bathroom. On the kitchen counter was a pineapple cookie jar filled with Double Stuf Oreos. Other than the pineapples, Joe Mooney’s house was unremarkable.

Unremarkable. The word is a fitting descriptor not only of Joe Mooney’s house but of the man himself. He was the kind of neighbor that is easy to ignore, a quality I appreciated. I moved into my brick ranch on Beckman Avenue in the spring of 1993. Four years later, I was deeply familiar with the habits and eccentricities of my neighbors, but the same could hardly be said of my acquaintances with the people themselves. I knew that the fellow in 444 mowed his lawn at 7 a.m. every Sunday, but I couldn’t have told you his name. I knew that the kids across the street were named Emma and Jason--as in, “Jason, leave Emma alone!”--but for all I knew, they could have been anywhere from five to fourteen. I knew that Elaine, the single mother on the corner, had a butterfly tattoo on her lower back, but to this day I couldn’t tell you why she’s single. I was an observer on Beckman Avenue, and I preferred it that way--still do. I am a loner by nature and by choice. I am active in my church, friendly with my co-workers, and close with all three of my brothers, but on my own time, I am happiest frying a steak and washing it down with a Sierra Nevada while I sit on the porch listening to the Brewers. I suppose that I too am unremarkable.

stay tuned

2008-05-10T07:51:00.001-05:00

I know I didn't write anything yesterday. I began writing another short short story, but it wouldn't stay that way, and the next thing I knew, I had 3,000 words. And it's getting bigger. So next week I'm going to tell the story of "Joe Mooney" in 5 installments--one each day. Stay tuned...

teacher man dictionary

2008-05-08T08:51:00.007-05:00

So I'm sitting here with an enormous stack of papers on my desk--roughly 2/3 of which are graded--and I know that when I pass them back, students are going to ask me to decode my comments. For example, "What does 'meh' mean?" Or "Why did you write 'B.S.' on my paper?" And I bet that when you were in school, you had these same questions but were too afraid to ask. So as a public service, I give you the teacher man dictionary:

?
This is a question mark. If you've written something so incomprehensible that I'm not even sure what my question is, I write a question mark. If you see this, you have made an error so significant that I'm not even sure what you were trying to do in the first place.

!
This is an exclamation point. It means that you've said something truly crazy. If you mention the possibility that students could chew turkey bones instead of gum during class, you get a !. If you compare Of Mice and Men to Pimp My Ride, you get a !. And if you don't think that these things have actually happened, you're clearly not a teacher.

B.S.
If students ask, I tell them that this is an abbreviation for "Be Specific" because they're making vague assertions and need to tighten them up. That's a lie. It means their paper is bullshit.

I'm not sure I understand
Similar to the ?, but I'm trying to be kind. You're probably not a very good writer, and I feel that the question mark would confuse you. Still, you've said something incomprehensible. And you know it's pretty serious because it was even more incomprehensible than all the other stuff I was reading, and that's saying something.

Meh
It's like an OK. It just means that you've technically done what you were supposed to, but it didn't exactly knock me out of my seat. Meh. For example, if your concluding sentence says something like "And that is why Big Foot High School should start school 45 minutes later," then you get a "meh."

Omit needless words!
This comes from The Elements of Style, by Strunk & White. It's Rule #13, and it's the one my students violate most often. "The ground was covered in frozen precipitation." You mean snow? "He directed his vision toward her." You mean he looked at her? (For more on this topic, read "The Battle for Precision," by George Saunders.)

Proofread!
Obviously, I want everyone to proofread, which begs the question, Why only make note of it on certain papers? Well, I expect juniors and seniors in high school to make occasional comma errors or misuse semicolons once in a while. I do not expect them to forget to capitalize people's names or write "teh" when they mean "the" in a formal essay. When they do this enough, I explode and write "proofread!" Then I draw a line where I got fed up and quit editing for grammar errors. Sometimes I curse.

Reading Rainbow
I encourage my students to begin their papers with an attention-getter, and several of them fall back to this kind of predictable garbage: "Have you ever wondered what it was like to live in New York City during the 1920's? In The Great Gatsby, the characters do exactly that." And when I read that, I write "Reading Rainbow."

What is the purpose of this paragraph?
This is a bad one. You have "developed" an entire paragraph, and it's not clear to me why it's there. It serves no purpose. You clearly heard me say "5-paragraph essay" and realized that you only had 4. So you wrote 6-8 sentences of "be specific" and called it a day. Shame on you.

You're capable of better
I'm angry at you. You're not taking this assignment or this class seriously. You're a slacker. Get your act together.

So there you have it. I certainly hope that that was helpful for you.

Wait. I can do better...

I hope that was helpful for you.

Nope.

I hope that was helpful.
Hope that was helpful.
Hope that helps.

There we go.

Later gators.

pop culture quiz (part 2)

2008-05-07T09:30:00.003-05:00

Prepare yourselves to be educated.

1. B
"These pretzels are making me thirsty!" Check it out. Still makes me laugh every time.

2. Bill Murray--Carl Spackler--Caddyshack
The conclusion of arguably the greatest speech in movie history. Here it is.

3. Screws
Look closely at that statement: "Screws fall out all the time. The world's an imperfect place." That's the bottom line of almost every argument you've ever had.

4. D
Sonny got shot at the tollbooth. Fredo broke Michael's heart. There was no Anthony.

5. 1st prize is a Cadillac El Dorado, 2nd prize is a set of steak knives, 3rd prize is you're fired
If you didn't know the answer to this question, you need to see this movie (or at least this scene) three times before we talk again. I'm being serious.

6. Zen
How often do you think Craig Kilborn tells people that he was doing the moment of Zen thing way before Jon Stewart? Do you think that Kilborn has a Jon Stewart voodoo doll? I bet he does.

7. Matt LeBlanc--Joey Tribbiani--Friends
Did you know they spell Tribbiani this way? I always assumed one "b" until I saw it. Also Phoebe's last name is Buffay, not Buffet. And Ross and Monica's last name is Geller, not Gellar.

8. C
Interesting sidenote: Did you know that a guy once won $250,000 on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? on a question about Office Space? That seems unfair.

9. "I am serious...and don't call me Shirley."
When I revise my Top 50 Movies list, this is one that will be on it.

10. Darryl
If you didn't know that Larry shows up at the hotel with his brother Darryl and his other brother Darryl, then you clearly didn't grow up in my house.

11. Neil Patrick Harris--Barney Stinson--How I Met Your Mother
I don't feel like this show has a big enough audience. It should join Picket Fences and Ed and Sports Night as one of the best shows that more people ought to watch. If I haven't convinced you yet, just get the first season from your local library and make a list of all the ways that NPH's character is exactly like Joe Baker.

12. B
Inconceivable! And since I have nothing else to say here, my second-favorite quote from this movie: "I do not envy the headache you will have in the morning. In the meantime, rest well and dream of large women."

13. You do not talk about Fight Club.
The second rule of Fight Club is you DO NOT talk about Fight Club!

14. C
Mel didn't direct Airplane!, but he did Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein, which were capital-G Great, and Robin Hood: Men in Tights, which was capital-O Okay.

15. B
If anyone knows why he intentionally mispronounces Chianti here, I would love to hear an explanation. That's always bothered me.

16. A
He's not Groundskeeper Willie. He IS Apu, Carl, and Chief Wiggum, along with Moe, Comic Book Guy, Lou, Dr. Nick, Snake, Kirk Van Houten, Captain McAllister, Bumblebee Man, Superintendent Chalmers, Professor Frink, Cletus, Dredrick Tatum, and Chase.

17. C
I really did know this one when they asked. I did NOT know the 8 before this one. And I disliked this guy because he used his phone-a-friend on this question to call his dad and tell him that he didn't actually need any help, he just wanted to tell him he was about to win a million dollars. That's smug.

18. Ray Liotta--Henry Hill--Goodfellas
Sara asked what this was from, and I told her, and she said, "Oh. That's dumb."

19. B
Tricky one here. Dan Akroyd is well known for his Point-Counterpoint segments with Jane Curtin, which were part of Weekend Update. However, he never actually hosted it. Incidentally, Norm Macdonald was the only one of these that was any good.

20. C
This was hard, I know. But this is such a great movie. If you're going to read my blog, you're expected to know everything about it.

How'd you do? Anywhere under 18 and I think you need to go rearrange your Netflix queue.

Later gators.

pop culture quiz

2008-05-06T07:48:00.004-05:00

They have these Pop Culture Quizzes in Entertainment Weekly (see "top 10 (not) guilty pleasures") every so often, and I enjoy them. However, I rarely know any of the answers because the people at EW find things interesting/relevant/important/etc. that I do not. So I'm making one of my own. Keep your eyes on your own papers. Good luck.

1. In one episode of Seinfeld, Kramer has a small part in a Woody Allen movie. What is his only line? (1 pt.)
a. That's what you think, lady.
b. These pretzels are making me thirsty.
c. I'll have the chowder.
d. Yes.

2. Name the actor who speaks the following line, the character that he is playing, and the movie in which the line is spoken. (1 pt. each)

"So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."

3. Fill in the blank in the following line from The Breakfast Club. (1 pt.)

"_____ fall out all the time. The world's an imperfect place."

4. Which of the following is not one of Don Corleone's sons in The Godfather? (1 pt.)
a. Fredo
b. Sonny
c. Michael
d. Anthony

5. In Glengarry Glen Ross, what are the prizes for 1st place, 2nd place, and 3rd place in the sales contest, according to Blake? (1 pt. each)

6. Fill in the blank in the following line from The Daily Show. (1 pt.)

"Here it is, your moment of _____."

7. Name the television actor who regularly speaks the following line, the character that he plays, and the television show in which the line is spoken. (1 pt. each)

"How you doin'?"

8. Which Office Space character speaks the following line: "I'm gonna' have to ask you to go ahead and come in on Sunday too." (1 pt.)
a. Peter
b. Samir
c. Lumbergh
d. Joanna

9. In the movie Airplane!, what is the proper response to the following line: "Surely you can't be serious." (1 pt.)

10. Fill in the blank in the following line from Newhart. (1 pt.)

"I'm Larry. This is my brother Darryl, and this is my other brother _____."

11. Name the television actor who regularly speaks the following line, the character that he plays, and the television show in which the line is spoken. (1 pt. each)

"Suit up!"

12. In The Princess Bride, what word is Inigo Montoya talking about when he tells Vizzini, "I do not think it means what you think it means"? (1 pt.)
a. vengeance
b. inconceivable
c. surrender
d. love

13. What is the first rule of Fight Club? (1 pt.)

14. Which of the following movies did Mel Brooks not direct? (1 pt.)
a. Blazing Saddles
b. Young Frankenstein
c. Airplane!
d. Robin Hood: Men In Tights

15. According to Hannibal Lecter, whose liver did he eat with "some fava beans and a nice Chianti"? (1 pt.)
a. his mailman
b. a census taker
c. his attorney
d. his father

16. For which of the following Simpsons characters does Hank Azaria not provide the voice? (1 pt.)
a. Groundskeeper Willie
b. Apu
c. Chief Wiggum
d. Carl

17. In 1999, John Carpenter became the first person to win $1,000,000 on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? because he knew that which U.S. President appeared on an episode of Laugh In? (1 pt.)
a. Jimmy Carter
b. Gerald Ford
c. Richard Nixon
d. Ronald Reagan

18. Name the actor who speaks the following line, the character that he is playing, and the movie in which the line is spoken. (1 pt. each)

"As far back as I could remember, I've always wanted to be a gangster."

19. Which of the following has not been a regular host of Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live? (1 pt.)
a. Dennis Miller
b. Dan Akroyd
c. Norm Macdonald
d. Colin Quinn

20. What number was assigned to the juror played by Henry Fonda in the original movie version of 12 Angry Men? (1 pt.)
a. 1
b. 4
c. 8
d. 12

That's 25 points possible. Answers tomorrow.

Later gators.

curriculum

2008-05-01T08:10:00.003-05:00

Did you shiver when you read the title of this blog? If you did, then you must be a high school teacher. Here's what the word means to me: Roughly once a month, I have to leave my classes to a sub so that I can go sit with an assortment of JK-12 English teachers in the Big Foot Area Schools Association office and spend a day doing about 1/10th of what I could accomplish if left to my own devices. It's not that I think all the work that we do there is meaningless--some, but not all--as much as it is that I don't think that the work is done efficiently. Twice this year, Nicole and I have had the opportunity to work on our own for a curriculum day, and we've accomplished infinitely more than we did on all of the full group days combined.

In the interests of irony, I thought I'd take you through the "highlights" of the dullest day of my month:

We talked a lot about reading inventories (that is, ways of measuring how well a kid can read). If you didn't know the difference between your DIBELS (pronounced dibbles) and your Jerry John's, you were lost.

I know that these kids are in kindergarten, but the assessment checklist for promotion to 1st grade cracked me up. Here are some of the questions: Where is the front of the book? Where is the back of the book? And the end of the page, where do you go? Point to the title. Point to a picture. Point to a word. Didn't we have to count to 100 in kindergarten? I don't remember being asked to "point to a word."

So, we're supposed to choose a benchmark for reading, writing, and oral language that we're going to collect data on next year. We did this months ago, and I'd forgotten about it until yesterday. Our reading and writing benchmarks were legit, but here's the oral language benchmark we're tracking: "Observes the appropriate etiquette when expressing thanks and receiving praise." So we're going to focus on teaching kids to say thank you and you're welcome. And you might think that that somehow indicates that we're not taking it seriously, but the fact that that's one of the options in the first place suggests to me that this is not a document that is meant to be taken seriously.

Speaking of the benchmarks, this was a good example of the colossal waste of time that is the curriculum day. We went through these things grade level by grade level, and the first couple took forever, so Nicole and I did nothing--I'm being 100% literal when I say "nothing"--for the first 90 minutes of the meeting. We listened to elementary school teachers talk about how they would collect data. Remember my 3:1 Theory of Meetings? There are 3 wasted minutes for every 1 minute of actual work that gets done at most meetings? You can quadruple that first number when you're at curriculum.

Kathy Karcher and Toni Bethke presented some information from a conference they attended. FACT: J. David Cooper suggests that struggling readers should have 90 minutes of reading instruction every day plus a possible 30-40 minutes of supplemental instruction. FACT: Unless they're identified as having a reading disability, our kids get 90 minutes of "reading instruction" (i.e. an English class) a day for 9 weeks. To quote Kevin Bacon, "These are the facts, and they are indisputable."

We also got a hand-out of "Captivating Choices: High-Interest Books for Reluctant Readers." Some great tiles: George Washington, Spymaster; Rats! The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly; Frankenstein Makes a Sandwich; Seadogs: An Epic Ocean Operetta; Stanford Wong Flunks Big-Time; and maybe my favorite, The Day I Swapped My Dad for Two Goldfish. The only one on the list I've read: King Dork, by Frank Portman. You should all read King Dork, by Frank Portman.

We got Novak's for lunch, which is nice, but a) they brought the food to us, so we didn't get to walk down and eat there, which is always nice, and b) since we were in the BFASA offices, there was no ketchup for my burger. It was still okay, but if I'm going to eat something that's not good for me, I want to feel like at least I'm enjoying the experience. But when you're wolfing down a 1/2-lb. cheeseburger and it doesn't even taste that good, it compounds your guilt.

We read some really good promotion essays by 8th-graders. I have juniors who can't write that well. I'm being serious.

We heard the story of a date that an anonymous member of the committee had with some guy who took her out for dinner, then to a karaoke bar where he got up in front and sang "Folsom Prison Blues." Now, as you all know, "Folsom Prison Blues" is my second-favorite song. However, I cannot support the idea of doing karaoke on a first date. Especially if it's just you and your date. I could maybe--maybe--understand if you were out with a group of your friends. But I know this to be absolutely true: People who go out alone and do karaoke are the saddest people in the world. People who do it on first dates are next in line.

The day ended around 2:30, when we had to share where we felt that progress was being made, a question that always strikes me as funny in that particular context. I believe I said that I was looking forward to making more strides with the new English 11 curriculum, my subtle way of suggesting that I would rather be in the classroom.

And really, that's the bottom line. People always ask if I like teaching, and I always say, "From 7:25-5:00 every day, I love it. I am always going to be a teacher because I love teaching. But there's a lot to being a teacher that isn't teaching, and I could do without it." So there you have it. Thank you for reading my blog. (The correct response to that statement should have been: You're welcome. Did you get it? If not, there's room in Advanced Comp.)

Later gators.

students say the most interesting things

2008-04-29T09:02:00.006-05:00

Since I sometimes mock the ludicrous fluff that my students use to meet the required 2/3/6/8/etc. pages in their papers, I've decided that in the interests of fairness and balance, I should give credit where credit is due. I collected narrative essays from Advanced Comp. last week, and there's some legitimately good stuff in this pile on my desk. So without further ado, context-free excerpts from Advanced Comp. narrative essays:

At the moment, I am unable to eat anything that requires the use of a spoon.

What George does know is that he currently has a general hatred toward the world and a fiery, passionate, "I hope you burn in hell" hatred toward three specific things: The Rotund One, Journey, and The Secret Weapon. George also knows that he has one more lap to go in the mile.

It was too late now because before we knew it the Rotary members were all dead.

Now here I am, looking out at my kids as they push me, shake me, try everything to wake me up. But they can't, and they won't. It's too late. I'm gone.

Mark and Hailey were stumbling to their car at dawn after one too many Amaretto Sours.

In my dream, my body magically appears thirty pounds lighter and there is no need to be anorexic anymore.

Manic Depressant lies on the ground, nowhere to sleep, and no one around.

Dinner was quiet and tasteless.

Whether I'm sitting on the bus or riding home with my own mother, there is someone glaring at me with that put-those-damn-things-outside look.

She assured me that she would be fine for the night, and I drove home with her makeup stains still prominent on my white shirt.

She told us to go back outside and play some soccer, which meant she was going to yell at dad.

Anna's tranquil apartment turned into a jungle of clothes, infomercial merchandise, and bonsais.

One step to kill the heartache, another to break the ties, and the headlights glistened vibrantly as the bullet whisked her off her feet.

He knew the Mexican mafia wouldn't be too happy to find out that their "mob prince" was a rat.

Paul introduced her to his revolutionary new diet that consisted of eating nothing but circus peanuts and drinking grape soda.

Flashbacks. Scenes of me stumbling out of the bar, grasping his hand. Numbness. The shape of his body hovering over mine--no love, no passion, no guilt.

Vandalism, theft, arson, and even murder were everyday occurrences among these beasts.

At lunch I eat alone. My existence isn't even acknowledged by the lunch ladies.

The disgust in her voice when he asked was enough to know that she didn't need him as much as he needed her.

I am a criminal, an alcoholic, a murderer...I am nobody. My father would be ashamed if he saw me now.

She feels the urge to put the bottle to her lips and taste her bitter defeat.

Pretty good, eh? Later gators.

teacher man mailbag 2

2008-04-28T07:43:00.003-05:00

I'm teaching 2 sections of Advanced Comp. and a section of English 11 Lit.--the former handed in papers on Friday, and the latter will hand in papers tomorrow. I have a lot of grading to do. Therefore, sit back and enjoy another installment of the teacher man mailbag.

"i am pretty sure that i am the coolest person you know. i go to movies and bars all the time. and i think that you like me. and your son screamed UNCLE JOE the entire time that i was on the phone with mom this morning. which was REALLY cool." (Joe, "cool")
I think we're defining "cool" differently. In my opinion, "cool" has a negative connotation because it refers to the detestable subset of people who actively aspire to be cool. I do not like them. Anyone who knows Joe, however, knows that he makes no effort to be cool. And I think that's cool.

"You had me at randy "macho man" savage...Didn't you once see Jimmy Stewart walking his dog? That should rank like right up at the top..." (Kelly, "top 10 celebrity encounters")
First of all, "You had me at Randy "Macho Man" Savage" is a wonderful sentence, and one you won't find anywhere else on the web, I promise you. And second, I never saw Jimmy Stewart walking his dog. How do rumors like this get started? I suppose that's what I get for being in the public eye. Now I know how Lindsay Lohan feels.

"1. I agree with Stacy about the Qdoba/Chipotle hierarchy. 2. And also, that is hilarious about your keys and the basket of napkins. 3. 8. "He thinks that Hillary is probably the more qualified Democratic candidate right now, but he is going to vote for Obama. He's not sure why." Word up, CK. 4. It's quite awesome that you went to see Mr. Klosterman. I feel like if we could get him on a stage with, say, Sarah Vowell, Richard Russo, and Nick Hornby, my life would be complete." (Claire, "sex, drugs, & qdoba")
Lots of good stuff here. First, you are correct. The Authentic Mexican Grill Hierarchy goes like this: 1) Chipotle, 2) Panchero's, 3) Qdoba. (Still, I would rather eat at Qdoba that almost anywhere else.) Second, in an interesting coincidence, I once threw away my wallet after eating at the Chipotle in Crystal Lake because I put it in a bag and forgot about it. Third, since this post, I have also seen Sarah Vowell on stage (doing a reading in Elgin). Jealous?

"ok... i know i am a little late here. i read your blog about once a month and i have actually never left a comment before. i do however, have to take issue with the fact that you left out what had to be the coolest part of the day: coming to see me at MASH and meeting my students. i mean... come on." (Bryn, "act prep prep")
Thanks for ratting us out. If I get fired for this, I'm sleeping on your couch.

"I haven't looked at any of those clips, but I'm guessing I'm going to have the same reaction as the person who shares my DNA. I love the Cliff Clavin on Jeopardy episode of Cheers, though. Good times. (PS - My Jeopardy questions would all be totally nerdy. Or, about The Office. I rock at Office Jeopardy, right Alex?.)" (Stacy, "top 10 youtube clips")
First of all, my wife and I almost had a knock-down-drag-out the other day because she didn't know Cliff's response to the Final Jeopardy clue in this episode. The clue was: Archibald Leach, Bernard Schwartz, and Lucille LeSueur. And as you all know (right?), Cliff's response was, "Who are three people who have never been in my kitchen?" Classic. Now for the real question: What is my Jeopardy! dream board? Well, I've thought about it quite a lot, and here's what I've decided (keep in mind that the Jeopardy! people try to diversify the board, and so have I): Country Music of the 1990's, Baseball, 20th-Century American Literature, Grammar, Rhyme Time, and Simple Math. With the exception of the first one, these have all been actual Jeopardy! categories. I would own any of you with this board.

"I think Joe is my favorite Baker, too." (Sara, "the incomparable joe baker")
Yup--that's my wife. This reminds me of the episode of Everybody Loves Raymond when Ray wants Robert to ask Debra if they can go golfing because she likes him better. I am, however, disappointed on Charlie's behalf. I'm sure he's at least a close #2.

At least I'm all caught up now. Tomorrow you're going to get the anti-students say the darndest things. And that's what we call a "teaser."

Later gators.

and the presidency goes to...

2008-04-23T09:42:00.004-05:00

Found a great feature on the New York magazine web site the other day: The 2008 Electopedia. On the site, they describe it as "a guide to (almost) everything there is to know about presidential candidates John McCain, Barack Obama, and Hillary Clinton." They cover everything from Best Speech to Fashion Sense. Now, I'm leaning toward the Obaminator, but in the interests of keeping an open mind, I'm going to break it down and see if I'm making the right decision. I've chosen the 10 most important categories listed on the web site (click here for a complete list), and I'll rank all of the candidates, assigning 3 points to the winner down to 1 point for the loser. Then we'll really know who should be leading our country. So here we go...

How They Did In High School
3. McCain: Didn't Get Kicked Out! (1 pt.)
2. Obama: Great, for a Slacker (2 pts.)
1. Clinton: Nerdily Well (3 pts.)
Obviously I was going to include this one. The most interesting facts on this page: In high school, John McCain was known as "Punk" and "McNasty," and Barack Obama was known as "Barry." Really? President Barry?

Greatest Political Accomplishment
3. Clinton becomes Senator of a state she's never lived in with no political experience. (1)
2. McCain comes back from brink of defeat to win 2008 Republican nomination. (2)
1. Obama emerges as the most (only?) legitimate African-American Presidential candidate ever. (3)
Easy one. Hillary's "Listening Tour" is no match for Barry's "transcending race...[and] changing American politics."

Best Speech
3. McCain's 1996 Speech at the Republican National Convention (1)
2. Clinton's 1969 Wellesley Commencement Address (2)
1. Obama's "A More Perfect Union" Speech (3)
I read all of these, and they're all actually pretty awesome. McNasty's nomination speech made Bob Dole cry, which I support, and according to the web site, Hillary used her opportunity as the first student to ever speak at a Wellesley graduation ceremony to "tear [conservative Senator Edward Brooke of MA] a new one." But Barry's was the best. He's eloquent and honest at the same time.

Most Blatant Pop-Culture Pandering
3. Clinton: Going Gump (1)
2. Obama: When on Ellen Degeneres... (2)
1. McCain: Wedding Crash and Burn (3)
First of all, Hillary isn't funny, so when she tries to be, it always seems awkward to me. Second, for whatever reason, the web site thinks that McNasty's cameo in Wedding Crashers was "not the wisest of choices." I disagree. That movie was so good that it catapults him over Barry's dance on The Ellen Degeneres Show, which made my mom decide she was going to vote for him. But J-Mac wins for sure--anytime you do something that provokes the headline "Sen. McCain Stars in Boob Raunch Fest" (The Drudge Report), you've already won.

Best Debate Smackdown
3. Clinton: South Carolina, January 21, 2008 (1)
2. McCain: Friday, October 21, 2007 (2)
1. Obama: Iowa, December 13, 2007 (3)
Hillary gets last because her accusation that Obama once represented a Chicago slum lord turns out not to be true. The clear winner is Barry; a debate moderator asked how he was going to promote change with so many advisers from the Clinton administration (Hillary laughed mockingly), and he said, "Well, Hillary, I'm looking forward to you advising me as well." Still, if this ranking were open to Time magazine columnists, the winner would be Ana Marie Cox, who said of McNasty's knock on Mitt Romney ("You've spent the last year trying to fool people about your record—I don’t want you to start fooling them about mine"), "I believe the technical term for that is 'snap.' McCain isn't bringing it on, it has already been broughten." Nice.

Military (In)experience
3. Obama: Zip. Zero. Zilch. (1)
2. Clinton: Once Upon A Time, Long Ago... (2)
1. McCain: In The Navy... (3)
Just to show that I'm not a homer, we're going with a category where my guy has a clear disadvantage. I'm even giving Hillary the nod for "attempting" to enlist in the Marines (!). In this area, McNasty is pretty awesome. You know that already.

Never-Altered Core Position
3. McCain: Duty, Honor, Country, Etc. (1)
2. Obama: Making Nice With Others, Including Republicans (2)
1. Clinton: Kids Are Good (3)
It might seem somehow wrong to rank McNasty 3rd for his patriotism, but I have a feeling that that patriotism is going to keep us at war for a long time. You should check out the write-up on Hillary here--it's actually pretty impressive.

Favorite Hobby
3. McCain: "In This Corner..." (1)
2. Clinton: Alone Time (2)
1. Obama: I Wish I Was a Baller (3)
Evidently McNasty likes boxing. So what? I support Hillary's fondness for alone time, but I gave Charlie my vote on this one, and he said, "Basketball PLAYER!" So Barry it is.

Taste In Books
3. Clinton: Charter Member, Oprah's Book Club (1)
2. McCain: It Tolls For He (2)
1. Obama: Shakespeare and Doctorow (3)
I know, I know. Oprah's Book Club isn't exactly a joke--there's some quality stuff there. But I just picture her sitting with a bunch of Senators and Congresswomen, ostensibly to discuss The Joy Luck Club, but really just drinking wine and dishing on the cute new representative from Georgia. Am I sexist? I might be.

Most Amusing YouTube Video
3. Clinton: "Hillary4U&Me" (1)
2. McCain: "Raining McCain" (2)
1. Obama: "Vote Different" (3)
You really should check these out. The Hillary one is just bizarre. The McNasty one is bizarre but kind of funny. But here's what the article said about Barry's video: "extremely clever"; "“way too good to be produced by a campaign"; “the best example of a successful viral attack” that year; and "the emergence of a new era in political advertising." Sounds like a winner to me.

So let's add 'em up:

Hillary: 17.
McNasty: 18.
Barry: 25.

I'm glad. I would have had a slight crisis of political faith if that had turned out differently. Turns out that I'm making the right decision. (At least if you base your political decisions on things like YouTube videos and pick-up basketball games. Which I think you should.)

Later gators.

the incomparable joe baker

2008-04-22T07:15:00.004-05:00

Remember a while back when I told you how bad my memory was? The evidence I used at the time was that I forgot that Kelly Smith--a friend that went to grad school with Sara--was no longer Kelly Sanders, and I asked my parents if I could borrow the truck that they had traded in a few months before. I now have additional evidence:

Roughly 25 times yesterday, I thought to myself, You need to call Joe. It's his birthday. I'm not exaggerating. I thought it first thing in the morning. I thought it during all of my classes. I thought it during baseball practice. I thought it when I was playing church league volleyball last night. However, I did not call him. I had a million opportunities, and I thought of it a million times, but the opportunity and the thought never intersected. That alone makes me a bad person and proves that I'm absent-minded, but you haven't heard the worst part yet: I saw him yesterday. That's right. Joe was in town for the weekend, and he stopped by my classroom on the way out of town yesterday. I talked to him about his weekend, I told him it was good to see him, I gave him a hug, and he was gone. It wasn't until 6:15 this morning that it occurred to me that not once during that exchange did I make note of the fact that it was his birthday. Could I possibly be a worse brother?

So I'm fixing it with a blog. As Nicole Beckford said yesterday after Joe left, "So I definitely think Joe is my favorite Baker." Of course he is. He always is. Here are 20 reasons why:

1. He says, "It's fine," and he makes it funny.
2. He sings "Caro Mio Ben" so perfectly that I insisted he sing it at our wedding even though I'm pretty sure it's a song about death.
3. He paints. We have two of his paintings hanging in our house and I'm seriously considering paying him to decorate our new place with a bunch more.
4. He was an awesome George Gibbs in Our Town.
5. He has, for all intents and purposes, taught me how to dress myself properly.
6. He introduced me to edamame.
7. He says things like, "What's on the docket?"
8. He is part-owner of a Chihuahua named Mischa Barton. (I am not making this up.)
9. He is an excellent conversationalist.
10. He was an awesome Claude in Hair.
11. When we went to Chicago for my wife and sister-in-law's 30th birthday, he got up on stage at Second City for one of the sketches. If someone asked me, "Of all the people you know, who would be the best at getting on stage for a Second City sketch?" I would say, "Joe Baker."
12. 95% of the world calls him "Joe Baker." Not Joe. Joe Baker.
13. He watches Silence of the Lambs to help him fall asleep at night.
14. He loves his nieces and nephews. Mostly Charlie.
15. In his own words, he was an awesome "male prostitute addicted to crack who was obsessed with himself and Al Pacino movies" in a play in college, the name of which is not coming to me right now. Polaroid something. (I repeat, I am not making this up.)
16. He moved back to the Midwest because he wanted to be closer to his family.
17. He's been telling his co-workers that he's 25 for the last 3 years--now, it's finally true.
18. He thinks Charlie Baker is the "most interesting person [he knows]," and Charlie Baker thinks Uncle Joe is the most entertaining person he knows. (Charlie said so himself.)
19. He once taught Matt Greben how to pretend to ride a horse for our production of Story Theater, which led to nearly all of my actors prancing around the auditorium like miniature Joe Bakers, then falling down on the ground laughing.
20. No one--and I'm being literal--does not have more fun when Joe's around. And that's a fact.

So there. This blog emerged from my guilt for not having mentioned his birthday, but there's not a word of hyperbole in the whole thing. Joe Baker is just as awesome as awesome can be.

Later gators.

how much do your teachers hate you?

2008-04-21T08:09:00.007-05:00

I am secure, and because I am secure I can admit the following: One of the most positive memories of my high school career involves a night that I spent with a few friends (mixed company--roughly half guys and half girls) taking tests from back issues of Cosmo/Teen/etc. Not only did we have a blast, but I learned just how big a flirt I really am.

At any rate, now I'm a teacher and I've decided to combine my two passions--teaching and teen magazine quizzes--into a blog entry titled "how much do your teachers hate you?" If you are interested in the answer to this question, just take the following quiz and add up your score (point values for each response are in parentheses at the end). Here goes...

1. How often do you ask your teacher if you can borrow a pencil?
a) Never. (10)
b) Usually once or twice a week. (1)
c) As far as I know, I don't own any pencils. (0)

2. How often do you leave class to go to the bathroom?
a) Never. I go between classes. (10)
b) Only in an emergency. (5)
c) Every time I get bored. Sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. (0)

3. When you work in groups, your group is most likely to be the one that...
a) calls the teacher over to ask whether the shift from 1st-person to 3rd-person point of view on page 61 is supposed to suggest that the narrator feels ostracized from the group. (10)
b) has to frequently be reminded that "you've got work to do." (1)
c) doesn't even know where to start. Am I supposed to have heard these names somewhere before? (0)

4. How often do you lie?
a) Never. (10)
b) When I think that the truth will negatively affect my grade. (1)
c) A lot. I enjoy lying. It keeps me from getting bored in class. (0)

5. How often do you ask your teacher if you can watch a movie in class?
a) I hate it when we watch movies. We're losing out on an opportunity to learn. (10)
b) Almost never, but if he/she wants to throw in The Breakfast Club, fine by me. (5)
c) Every day. I even brought in 300. God I hate school. (0)

6. Fill in the blank: I miss school _____.
a) only in emergencies. (10)
b) occasionally. (3)
c) at every possible opportunity. (0)

7. When your teacher hands you back a paper, what do you do?
a) Examine the comments and notes closely so as to avoid those mistakes in the future. (10)
b) Check the score. If it's not to my liking, I try to figure out how I can get him/her to change it. (1)
c) Drop it in the garbage on the way out. (0)

8. Fill in the blank: During a lecture, I typically _____.
a) listen, take notes, and ask questions when I have them. (10)
b) listen quietly with my notebook open. If he/she writes something on the board, I'll write it down. (5)
c) sleep. (0)

9. How often do you ask for an extension?
a) Never. That's why God invented due dates. (10)
b) I did it once because my grandma died. Seriously. (7)
c) Every time, and it almost always works too. Suckers. (0)

10. How often do you come late to class?
a) Never. That's why God invented passing periods. (10)
b) Once in a while, but I always have a pass. (3)
c) Constantly. I hate class. (0)

11. Fill in the blank: Class is over when _____.
a) The teacher dismisses us. (10)
b) The bell rings. (5)
c) I say it's over. (0)

12. When you see your teacher in the hallways outside of class, which of the following are you most likely to say?
a) "Hey, Mr. Smith. You see that Brewer game last night? Gallardo's coming along." (10)
b) "..." (head down, walking faster, hoping she won't see me...) (1)
c) "What are you lookin' at?" (0)

Okay, add 'em up.

81-120...Your teachers like you. You are basically a positive influence on the classroom climate, and that's all they are looking for. Now tell that jackass sitting next to you to sit up straight.

31-80...Your teachers tolerate you. You seem indifferent toward school, and that's irritating. You're probably not making the class any worse, but you're not making it any better either. Now sit up straight.

0-30...Your teachers hate you. They're just trying to do their jobs, and you're making it more difficult. Knock it off. Now go to the office.

Later gators.

10-minute fiction

2008-04-18T08:22:00.004-05:00

You know how sometimes you go months without really getting into a book, then you read a good one and all of a sudden you go on a reading binge? Well, I'm finding that the same is true with writing. I'm in a mood to write right now, and yesterday Advanced Comp. afforded me the opportunity to do it. They're writing short short stories in there (for more on short short stories, check out this web site with a bunch by David Eggers), and yesterday we did a pre-writing activity. I gave them a sheet with a bunch of first lines from actual short stories, and they had to use one to begin their own narrative. They had 10 minutes. I did one too. The first line comes from a story called "Tall Tales from the Mekong Delta," by Kate Braverman. I'm calling my version "It Was Cancer, If You Were Curious."

It was in the 5th month of her sobriety that Martha was faced with a situation that demanded a drink. She was certain that no one would blame her for ordering a Captain and Diet Coke. Maybe a quick shot of SoCo and lime. A Corona, perhaps. After all, normal people could do things like that after a near-death experience. (Martha frequently had to remind herself not to identify herself as "abnormal.") How unfair that people who could live without it could have all they wanted while those who depended on it ("depended"--that was their word, not hers) had to go elsewhere for comfort. And that's what it was, right? This was a near-death experience in two very different but equally literal senses of the word. Standing before her brother's casket an hour earlier, she had death staring her down, daring her to look away. And when she finally did--when she couldn't bear one more stranger's embrace, one more false tear, one more "He was so young"--she had escaped through a side door to enjoy a cigarette, the addiction she still allowed herself to feed.

Martha had always despised those who didn't respect the sanctity of a funeral, so her first instinct when she saw the rusty pick-up speeding down Oak Street was to shout something nasty or at least give them the finger. But as they took that righthand turn a little too sharply, Martha stumbled off the sidewalk and fell on the well-manicured lawn of Barrett & Sons Funeral Home. The truck rolled up and down the curb where Oak met Lauderdale Lane as the young man sitting in the passenger's seat flicked a cigarette out the window. Martha broke down.

So here she sits at McMurphy's, thinking that no one would fault her for ordering just one to calm her nerves, right?

Later gators.

and meow for something completely different

2008-04-17T08:32:00.003-05:00

Alex Baker trivia: I have taught professionally at two high schools in my life: BFHS and _____.

If you guessed Neenah High School, you are correct. After student-teaching there for the first 9 weeks of the 2003-04 school year, they asked me to serve as a long-term sub when a member of the department took maternity leave. Now, NHS is on a trimester system, and conveniently for Mrs. Roblee, my first week was the week of 2nd-term parent-teacher conferences, and my final week was the week of 3rd-term conferences. That means that she taught twice as much as me and had to deal with half of the conferences. I bet giving birth is worse, but I bet it's closer than you think.

Anyway, conferences at NHS took place in the gymnasium with members of each department lined up at one long table. I was always placed between Mr. Smith and Mr. Funk, two youngish guys who were pretty fun to work with. And because we had to sit there from 4-8 p.m. on two consecutive nights, we sometimes sought ways to cure our boredom. One of those ways involved dollar bets.

dollar bets (DAH ler BETS) n.: one-dollar wagers in which the particpants "bet" each other that they can't perform some ridiculous task during their next conference

Here are some examples of dollar bets:

1. I bet you can't say "meow" three times during your next conference.
"Hi, Mrs. Hill. How are you? Glad to hear it. Meow, Brian currently has a C- in British Lit...

2. I bet you can't pretend to be left-handed...
"As you can see, Mr. Bennett, Katelyn didn't hand in her second persuasive essay (awkwardly circles the zero on the gradesheet)..."
NOTE: Mr. Smith once lost a dollar on this one because the parent asked him to write down his email address and he thought it would undermine his credibility as an educator if it looked like his 3-year-old daughter had written it.

3. I bet you can't use the word "addle-minded"...
"So Beth is failing sophomore English right now, but it's strictly a matter of effort. I think we all know that she could pass the class if it were important to her--I mean, it's not like she's addle-minded or something..."

4. I bet you can't steal this next parent's pen from her...
"Here, let me write down my office number--do you have a pen? Thanks. So you should feel free to call any time."
"Um, I think that's my pen."
"Right, right..."

5. I bet you won't start talking about the wrong student...
"Well, Martin is just a pleasure to have in class. I wish I had 23 more just like him..."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Danny's mother."
"Oops. My mistake. So Danny isn't doing so well..."

6. I bet you can't do an entire conference without using the letter "t"...
"Jamie is doing a gre...a very good job. I...believe he has a solid und...comprehension of alm...pr...more or less ever...all our ma...books."

7. I bet you can't do this next conference with a British accent...
"Allo, gov'nor!"
NOTE: No one actually ever did this, but it would have been funny.

This is the kind of thing that we miss out on by conducting conferences in our classrooms here at BFHS. But maybe this is why we conduct conferences in our classrooms. Who knows?

Later gators.

chapter 2

2008-04-16T07:53:00.006-05:00

As I've mentioned before, I would like to write. (I don't mean on a blog, although this is fun and good practice.) I mean that I'd like to write a book. Short stories. Whatever. Anyway, sometimes I do. I have the first 30 or so pages of half a dozen books/plays/screenplays saved somewhere, but I typically find it hard to keep going. I'm a busy guy. Anyway, I thought I'd put up part of one of those books. I only have a couple of chapters of this one. Basically there are four characters that narrate the story on a rotating basis. There's Ben, the main character; Maggie, his fiancee; Max, his best friend; and Angela, a prostitute. Angela shows up because Ben is concerned about the fact that he is sexually inexperienced, but Maggie is not. With their wedding day approaching, his anxiety is increasing, so his trouble-maker friend Max hires a girl to answer some questions for him. In the first chapter, Angela shows up at Ben's room for the first time and they discuss Ben's problem. This is the second chapter (or part of it at least), and it takes place the following morning. Hope you like it.

Chapter 2

BEN
I woke to the Super Mario Brothers theme song--my ringtone--around 8 o’clock the next morning. It was Maggie.
“Did I wake you up?”
“Mmm hmmm.”
“Sorry.”
“S’awright.”
“I’ll be back in about fifteen minutes, so you should probably shower and get ready.”
Maggie’s sister had celebrated her 21st birthday in Madison the night before, so Maggie had spent the night there. I was surprised that she was up so early until I remembered that today was the day that we were registering at Target.
“Mmm hmmm,” I told her. Then I hung up and called Max.
“What the hell is the matter with you?”
“Get up and come to Target with me.”
“I'm going back to bed.”
“I’m serious.”
“Whatever. Fine. But let’s go after lunch.”
“Can’t. We’re registering for the wedding and Maggie’s gonna’ be here in like two minutes.”
“Goddamn it.”
“Two minutes.”

MAX
I got there ten minutes later and Mags still hadn’t shown up. Ben was brushing his teeth. He’s kind of a hard guy to read sometimes, so I tried not to make a big deal out of the whole sending-a-hooker-to-his-room-without-telling-him thing. I figured that if he wanted to talk about it, he’d talk about it.
“Mrgung,” he said, his mouth frothy with toothpaste.
“Morning.”
He spit. “A hooker stopped by my room last night.”
So he wanted to talk about it.
“What did she look like?”
“Wud shluck luck?” Spit. “What did she look like? That’s all you’ve got to say?”
“It’s not all I’ve got to say, but it’s the first thing. I need a mental image.”
“She had a humpback and she was cross-eyed.”
“Nice ass?”
“Yeah. What the hell were you thinking?”
“Look, man,” I told him as he rinsed his brush. “You’re a thinker. You’re the smartest guy I know. Suma cum everything. But you’re not a doer. I’m a doer. So I figured that if I did this for you, it might save you some embarrassment down the line.”
“I’m not even going to argue with the logic that sending a hooker to my room would save me embarrassment.”
“That’s good.”
“First of all, just because you made a mess out of your first time doesn’t mean that I’m going to. And second of all . . .”
He paused for a second and looked down with this little grin on his face as he pulled on a sweatshirt that said Stanford Dad.
“Oh my God,” I said. “You nailed her.”
“No!” he said. “But we did talk, and you were probably right.” Hell yes.
“I want every detail. I want to know what she smelled like.”
“She smelled like the perfume counter at McCullough’s.”
“That’s hot.”
“Anyway--” He said it in the way that he always does when he’s tired of my bullshit. “She said I shouldn’t worry about it.”
“So did I, shit-for-brains.”
“Yeah, but you never worry about anything.”
“Yeah and you worry about everything. That’s why you need me. Whatever. What else did you talk about?”
“I don’t know. The Packers.”
If I have ever been capable of kicking Ben’s ass, that was the moment. Think back to when you were still a virgin. Imagine that you had a hot girl who had sex for money sitting in your room. Even if you were afraid to actually sleep with her, can you imagine a single scenario in which you would talk about the goddamn Green Bay Packers? Lucky for him, that’s when Mags walked in.

BEN
There are two reasons that I asked Max to come to Target with us. First, the stuff that had happened the night before made me nervous about being alone with Maggie. Second, registering seemed like an intensely boring thing to do, and I thought it might be more fun if Max were there. Needless to say, Maggie was not pleased with my decision.
“Oh, Max,” she said as she closed the door behind her. “How’s it going?”
“Awesome. How’s it going with you?”
“Pretty good. Is Max coming with us?”
“Yeah,” I told her. “I hope that’s okay.”
“I guess. We need to get going.”
We swung by Starbuck’s on the way so Max could get a caramel macchiato, Maggie could get some peppermint drink that they only have around Christmas, and I could get a hot chocolate. Interesting sidenote about me: I have never had a cup of coffee in my life. To me, coffee just looks like hot, dirty water.
“Okay, here’s the list of stuff that we’ve talked about,” Maggie said. Maggie, you should know, is a chronic maker of lists. There’s practically no part of her life that isn’t included on or organized by some sort of list. Part of me thinks that she wanted to get married because she realized the number of lists that could be generated during the planning process. One such list included stuff that we were going to register for.
“We need dishes,” she began. “I like the Summer Breeze pattern. Do you still like that?”
“More than ever,” I said.
“Then we need pots and pans, silverware, some little kitchen stuff like a lemon zester and a garlic press—”
“A what and a what?” Max said.
“A lemon zester and a garlic press.”
“And what do you do with those?”
“You zest lemons and press garlic,” I told him.
Maggie tried to ignore us. “Do you think we need a new coffee machine?”
“Well, neither one of us really drinks coffee, so I’d say no.”
“But don’t you think it would be good to have, just in case?”
“Sure,” I said. Clearly, the answer to her question was no. I didn’t and I do not think that it was or is a good idea to have a coffee machine around “just in case.” I’m not even sure what it’s “just in case” of. But it doesn’t matter because we were going to register for it anyway. You know how I could tell? She asked for my opinion, I gave it to her, then she re-asked in a different way. When that happens, it’s clear that she’s not really asking for my opinion. She’s asking for me to affirm her opinion. And when I couldn’t really care less, as in the coffee machine example, I do. Three minutes later, we were at the customer service counter at Target.
“Can we get two of those?” Max asks about the little scanner gun that the customer service lady has given me.
“Sure,” she says, but Maggie cuts her off and tells her that one will be plenty. Naturally, Max gives the lady a wink and takes a second gun as we leave.
“Where should we go first?” Maggie asks.
“Wherever,” I say. “Can we just start over here and go up and down each aisle?”
“Don’t you think that we should start with the stuff we’ve got on our list?”
“Sure.”
We spend the next thirty minutes finding all of the stuff on that list. As I anticipated, Max is making this more fun. He’s doing Mission: Impossible rolls into the aisles and shouting things like, “I’m going in for the candles. Cover me!” Maggie seems unhappy.

MAGGIE
Yes, I was unhappy. But not in the bitchy-girlfriend way. It’s not because Ben wasn’t taking this seriously, which was only mildly irritating. It was more because of Max. As I’ve said, I don’t like Max. To me, Max represents all of the assholes I wasted my time with before Ben. He is only interested in having fun, and I know how ridiculous a thing that is to criticize about someone, but when you have to deal with people who are only interested in having fun, it’s very hard for you to actually enjoy yourself. Use the registering example. If Max hadn’t been there, Ben would have been having fun with me. We would have talked about the wedding and he would have given me a hard time about my lists. He would have made me let him register for stuff like Old Milwaukee and Cinnamon Toast Crunch (which he did anyway, but it was less cute with Max throwing the cereal box in the air and Ben taking target practice with it). Once in a while, Ben would have given me a little kiss on the cheek. But when Max is there, he takes all of Ben’s attention. I probably felt the same way a three-year-old feels when her parents come home with a new baby.

BEN
“This is the worst part of my job,” Max said with a Southern drawl as he stood over the quesadilla maker that was lying on the ground. “He was a good hoss. Ma’am, you may want to avert your eyes.” And then he pulled the trigger on the registration gun and shuffled away, whistling “Home on the Range.”

stuff i don't like

2008-04-15T07:45:00.004-05:00

In The Great Gatsby, Nick Carraway says that we all suspect ourselves of at least one of the cardinal virtues. He says that his is honesty, but a quick look at Wikipedia tells you that the cardinal virtues are prudence, temperance, fortitude, and justice. But since Nick has set a precedent here, I'm going to go on my own and say that my cardinal virtue is tolerance. I put up with a lot--I do teach high school, you know--before I lose it. But there are some things that I simply cannot tolerate, and since I've spent the last week or so generating lists of stuff I like (not guilty pleasures, top 100 songs, etc.), I've decided that I need to vent a little bit. I absolutely, positively cannot tolerate...

...white hot chocolate. Roughly once a month, I stop by Dunkin' Donuts for a bagel and a hot chocolate, and they'll give me white hot chocolate instead. And since I like to wait until I get to school before I dip into my hot beverage, I never realize it until it's too late. And white hot chocolate is to regular hot chocolate as regular white chocolate is to regular chocolate. And everybody hates white chocolate. So there.

...Dress Barn. You could barely fill a thimble with my knowledge of women, but one thing I know is that if I were marketing clothing for them, I would steer clear of obvious comparisons to livestock. Whomever made the decision to call this place Dress Barn had better have lost his job immediately. What other gems did he unearth? The Coffee Trough? Horse Shoes? The Fat Women's Ice Cream Shoppe?

...people who host parties, order a veggie pizza, then eat my pepperoni. I need to make sure that the problem here is clear. I have no problem with someone ordering a veggie. If you like veggie--and especially if it's your party--you can get whatever garbage you want on your pizza. But the operative word here is your. If I head over to the table and find three empty boxes where there had formerly been normal pizzas (for the purposes of this discussion, "normal" means pepperoni, sausage, or cheese) but there are still 6 slices of the thing you got with pineapples on it, you will get an earful.

...kids that cry in the hallways. Learn to deal with your problems. I wish I could give kids detentions for this.

..."A Different World," by Bucky Covington. If you aren't familiar with this song (by an ex-American Idol contestant, by the by), count yourself among the lucky ones. It's this ludicrous song about how people are too concerned with things like making their kids safe and happy. (At least that's what it seems like to me.) It begins with this line: "We were born to mothers who smoked and drank. Our cribs were covered in lead-based paint. No childproof lids, no seatbelts in cars. Rode bikes with no helmets and still here we are." That's right, Bucky, except for those of us who died of lead poisoning or were paralyzed in car accidents because we weren't wearing seatbelts.

...when you aren't paying attention at breakfast, and you reach for your milk glass, but you grab the orange juice instead, and you don't realize it until it hits your tongue. I know that's kind of specific, but it happened to me the other day. Quite a shock.

...Romy & Michele's High School Reunion. Stupid movie.

...women who have a "birth plan" or insist on "natural childbirth." I am certain that this will offend part of my readership because surely someone has done this, but I just don't understand it. You know what your "birth plan" should be? Have a baby as safely and painlessly as possible. That's a good plan. And don't get me started on those who don't use drugs. (Incidentally, this doesn't apply to people who have babies under weird circumstances--only those who bring up the fact that they don't intend to use them at dinner parties and such.) They remind me of waiters who take your order without writing it down--that's another thing I won't tolerate. Do you somehow believe that I think less of waiters who write down my order and get it right? I'm here to tell you, I don't. I applaud them for doing their jobs well. Meanwhile, you're bringing me biscuits and gravy when I ordered a waffle, but hey, you didn't have to write it down! Bravo! Oh really? You had that baby without an epidural? Well, it looks the same to me. Sorry.

Thanks for listening. I feel much better.

Later gators.

top 100 songs (part 2)

2008-04-14T07:59:00.005-05:00

A quick endorsement before we finish this thing:

Saw an awesome movie with an even more awesome soundtrack this weekend: Once. The movie is solid and I won't ruin it for you by sharing any more than that. But the very next day I went out and bought the soundtrack. The first song on it--"Falling Slowly" (which, incidentally, won the Oscar for Best Song)--is exactly the kind of thing that I would typically put right into the top 10 today. But I'm trying to be rational, so I'm leaving it out. If I revise this list in 5 years, however, I'm sure it's going to be up there. Anyway, check it out.

That having been said, let's commence with the top 50:

50. "My Stupid Mouth," by John Mayer
I could see she was offended. She said, "Well, anyway," just dying for a subject change.
Runner-Up: "Sucker"

49. "Nothing Fancy," by Dave Barnes
There's nothing fancy about the way I love you, but it sure is fancy how you love me.
Runner-Up: "Jackson"

48. "Regulators," by Warren G & Nate Dogg
I'm gettin' jacked, I'm breakin myself. I can't believe they're takin' Warren's wealth.
Runner-Up: N/A

47. "Come Monday," by Jimmy Buffett
We can go hiking on Tuesday. With you, I'd walk anywhere.
Runner-Up: "Margaritaville"

46. "Brown Eyes," by Andy Davis
She really didn't say much. She really didn't have to.
Runner-Up: "We Should Be In Love"

45. "Stand By Me," by Ben E. King
If the sky that we look upon should tumble and fall, and the mountains should crumble to the sea.
Runner-Up: "Save The Last Dance For Me" (with The Drifters)

44. "Hook," by Blues Traveler
It doesn't matter what I say as long as I sing with inflection.
Runner-Up: "Run-Around"

43. "Sunshine," by Jonathan Edwards
But he can't even run his own life. I'll be damned if he'll run mine.
Runner-Up: "Shanty"

42. "Son Of A Preacher Man," by Dusty Springfield
Bein' good isn't always easy, no matter how hard I try.
Runner-Up: "I Only Want To Be With You"

41. "House of the Rising Sun," by The Animals
It's been the ruin of many a poor boy, and God, I'm one.
Runner-Up: "We Gotta' Get Outta' This Place"

40. "Forever And Ever Amen," by Randy Travis
Honey, I don't care. I ain't in love with your hair, and if it all fell out, well I'd love you anyway.
Runner-Up: "Storms Of Life"

39. "Lightning Crashes," by Live
Oh, I feel it comin' back again like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind.
Runner-Up: "Iris"

38. "Daydream Believer," by The Monkees
But it rings and I rise, wipe the sleep out of my eyes. The shaving razor's cold and it stings.
Runner-Up: "I'm A Believer"

37. "The Joker," by Steve Miller Band
I really love your peaches, wanna' shake your tree.
Runner-Up: "Jet Airliner"

36. "Mr. Bojangles," by The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band
He said I dance now at every chance in honky tonks for drinks and tips.
Runner-Up: "Fishin' In The Dark"

35. "500 Miles," by The Proclaimers
And when the money comes in for the work I do I'll pass almost every penny on to you.
Runner-Up: "Letter From America"

34. "King Of The Road," by Roger Miller
I smoke old stogies I have found, short but not too big around.
Runner-Up: "Dang Me"

33. "Joy To The World," by Three Dog Night
Jeremiah was a bullfrog. He was a good friend of mine.
Runner-Up: "Try A Little Tenderness"

32. "Bohemian Rhapsody," by Queen
He's just a poor boy from a poor family. Spare him his life from this monstrosity.
Runner-Up: "We Are The Champions"

31. "Touch Of Grey," by The Grateful Dead
Cow is giving kerosene, kid can't read at seventeen, the words he knows are all obscene, but it's alright.
Runner-Up: "Uncle John's Band"

30. "He Stopped Loving Her Today," by George Jones
He had underlined in red every single "I love you."
Runner-Up: "Who's Gonna' Fill Their Shoes?"

29. "What A Wonderful World," by Louis Armstrong
I hear babies cry, I watch them grow. They'll learn much more than I'll ever know.
Runner-Up: "The Dummy Song"

28. "Maybe I'm Amazed," by Paul McCartney
Maybe I'm a lonely man who's in the middle of something he don't really understand.
Runner-Up: "Band On The Run" (with Wings)

27. "Down On The Corner," by Creedence Clearwater Revival
Poor Boy twangs the rhythm out on his kalamazoo. Willy goes into a dance and doubles on kazoo.
Runner-Up: "I Heard It Through The Grapevine"

26. "A Case Of You," by Joni Mitchell
On the back of a cartoon coaster, in the blue T.V. screen light, I drew a map of Canada.
Runner-Up: "All I Want"

25. "Wild Rose," by Sam Baker
Wild Rose changed her clothes and changed her outlook after glancing through the good book.
Runner-Up: "Do Good Then Walk Away"

24. "All Will Be Well," by The Gabe Dixon Band
All the children walking home past the factory see the light that's shining in my window as I write this song to you.
Runner-Up: "More Than It Would Seem"

23. "Satellite," by Dave Mathews Band
Winter cold spring erases, and the calm away by the storm is chasen.
Runner-Up: "Angel"

22. "Take It On The Run," by REO Speedwagon
Heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who heard it from another you been messin’ around.
Runner-Up: "Can't Fight This Feeling"

21. "La Vie Boheme," from Rent
To hand-crafted beers made in local breweries. To yoga, to yogurt, to rice and beans and cheese.
Runner-Up: "One Song Glory"

20. "Come On Eileen," by Dexy's Midnight Runners
With you in that dress, my thoughts, I confess, verge on dirty.
Runner-Up: Yeah, right.

19. "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry," by Hank Williams
The moon just went behind a cloud to hide his face and cry.
Runner-Up: "Cold, Cold Heart"

18. "Me And Julio," by Paul Simon
Mama Pajama rolled out of bed and ran to the police station.
Runner-Up: "Homeward Bound"

17. "Imagine," by John Lennon
You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
Runner-Up: "Give Peace A Chance"

16. "Black Water," by The Doobie Brothers
I'd like to hear some funky Dixieland, pretty mama come and take me by the hand.
Runner-Up: "Takin' It To The Streets"

15. "Something In The Way She Moves," by James Taylor
I feel fine any time she’s around me now, and she’s around me now almost all the time.
Runner-Up: "Sweet Baby James"

14. "Crazy," by Willie Nelson
Why do I let myself worry, wondering what in the world did I do?
Runner-Up: "Blue Eyes Crying In The Rain"

13. "Billie Jean," by Michael Jackson
People always told me, “Be careful what you do, and don’t go around breaking young girls’ hearts.”
Runner-Up: "Thriller"

12. "You Can't Always Get What You Want," by The Rolling Stones
We decided that we would have a soda--my favorite flavor, cherry red.
Runner-Up: "Satisfaction"

11. "I Would Do Anything For Love," by Meatloaf
Some days I just pray to the god of sex and drums and rock n’ roll.
Runner-Up: "Objects In The Rearview Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are"

And my real Top 10 Songs of All-Time are...

10. "Buckets Of Rain," by Bob Dylan
I like your smile and your fingertips. I like the way that you move your lips. I like the cool way you look at me.
Runner-Up: "Mr. Tambourine Man"

9. "Let It Be," by The Beatles
When the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me.
Runner-Up: "With A Little Help From My Friends"

8. "Sweet Home Alabama," by Lynyrd Skynyrd
I hope Neil Young will remember, a southern man don’t need him around anyhow.
Runner-Up: "Free Bird"

7. "Into The Mystic," by Van Morrison
When that fog horn blows, I will be coming home.
Runner-Up: "Brown-Eyed Girl"

6. "Me And Bobby McGee," by Janis Joplin
Busted flat in Baton Rouge, waiting for a train. I was feelin’ near as faded as my jeans.
Runner-Up: "Mercedes Benz"

5. "Piano Man," by Billy Joel
The piano, it sounds like a carnival, and the microphone smells like a beer.
Runner-Up: "Captain Jack"

4. "Jack And Diane," by John Mellencamp
Suckin’ on chili dogs outside the Tastee Freeze.
Runner-Up: "Small Town"

3. "Sweet Caroline," by Neil Diamond
Sweet Caroline, good times never seemed so good.
Runner-Up: "Forever In Blue Jeans"

2. "Folsom Prison Blues," by Johnny Cash
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
Runner-Up: "Sunday Morning Coming Down"

1. "Tiny Dancer," by Elton John
Lookin’ on, she sing the songs. The words she knows, the tune she hums.
Runner-Up: "Rocket Man"

Sara, Stacy, Becky--the CD's will be in the mail tonight.

Later gators.

top 100 songs (part 1)

2008-04-11T07:31:00.006-05:00

A while back, my friend Becky suggested that a bunch of us compile lists of our top 10 favorite songs, then burn CD's and send them to each other. Seemed like a good idea, so we did. And my top 10 CD was ripped apart by my wife and friends. They thought it was ludicrous for me to claim that my 10 favorite songs were:

"Rising Sun," by Rusted Root
"We Should Be In Love," by Andy Davis
"New Slang," by The Shins
"Sucker," by John Mayer
"Photograph," by Jamie Cullum
"Jackson," by Dave Barnes
"Carry This Picture," by Dashboard Confessional
"Pictures To Prove It," by Lily Duncan
"Runnin' With The Boys," by Sam Baker
"Buckets of Rain," by Bob Dylan

And you know what? They were right. I know that because I just finished compiling a list of my top 100 favorite songs, and only 3 of those were even on that list. I was sloppy. So I'm rectifying that mistake by presenting you with a much more comprehensive list. The only rule for the Top 100 Songs of All-Time is that no artist could appear twice. (As a result, most songs also include a "Runner-Up"--the next song in line by that artist.) Today, you'll get #100-51; once you've had the weekend to let that sink in, you'll get the top 50 on Monday. Got your IPods ready? Good. Without further ado...

100. "Champagne Supernova," by Oasis
But you and I will never die. The world's still spinning around, we don't know why.
Runner-Up: "Don't Look Back in Anger"

99. "Basketcase," by Greenday
I am one of those melodramatic fools, neurotic to the bone no doubt about it.
Runner-Up: "Wake Me Up When September Ends"

98. "99 Red Balloons," by Goldfinger
Worry, worry, super scurry. Call out the troops now in a hurry.
Runner-Up: Umm...

97. "Hey Jealousy," by Gin Blossoms
Tomorrow we can drive around this town, let the cops chase us around.
Runner-Up: "Follow You Down"

96. "Still The Night," by The Bodeans
I like the way you dance. I like the way you paint your lips.
Runner-Up: "Good Things"

95. "Rainbow Connection," by Kermit the Frog
Have you been half asleep, and have you heard voices? I've heard them call my name.
Runner-Up: "It's Not Easy Being Green"

94. "Time After Time," by Cyndi Lauper
Lying in my bed, I hear the clock tick and think of you.
Runner-Up: "She Bop"

93. "Sweet Child O' Mine," by Guns N' Roses
Her hair reminds me of a warm, safe place where as a child I'd hide.
Runner-Up: "Paradise City"

92. "Amazing," by Aerosmith
And I'm sayin' a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight.
Runner-Up: "Janie's Got A Gun"

91. "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down," by The Band
Virgil Caine is my name, and I drove on the Danville train.
Runner-Up: "The Weight"

90. "No Rain," by Blind Melon
All I can say is that my life is pretty plain, and I like watchin' the puddles gather rain.
Runner-Up: "Soup"

89. "In My Room," by The Beach Boys
There's a world where I can go and tell my secrets to.
Runner-Up: "Little Deuce Coupe"

88. "Oh, Pretty Woman," by Roy Orbison
I don't believe you, you're not the truth. No one could look as good as you.
Runner-Up: "Blue Bayou"

87. "La Bamba," by Richie Valens
Yo no soy marinero. Soy capitan, soy capitan.
Runner-Up: "Donna"

86. "Space Oddity," by David Bowie
Commencing countdown, system's on. Check ignition, and may God's love be with you.
Runner-Up: "Ziggie Stardust"

85. "Bad Day," by Daniel Powter
You sing a sad song just to turn it around.
Runner-Up: "Jimmy Gets High"

84. "Like A Prayer," by Madonna
I hear you call my name, and it feels like home.
Runner-Up: "Like A Virgin"

83. "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone," by Bill Withers
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, and she's always gone too long anytime she goes away.
Runner-Up: "Lean On Me"

82. "December 1963 (Oh, What A Night)," by The Four Seasons
You know I didn't even know her name, but I was never gonna' be the same.
Runner-Up: "Walk Like A Man"

81. "Fast Car," by Tracy Chapman
You've got a fast car, and I've got a plan to get us out of here.
Runner-Up: "For You"

80. "Around The Bend," by Tony Lucca
And it's one more night, another shot gonna' make things alright. I'll play one more song and I'll be feeling fine.
Runner-Up: "Death Of Me"

79. "Rising Sun," by Rusted Root
I got us some milkshakes. Now let's head off and see the show.
Runner-Up: "Magenta Radio"

78. "Stuck In The Middle With You," by Stealers Wheel
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right. Here I am.
Runner-Up: "Star"

77. "Banana Pancakes," by Jack Johnson
We could close the curtain, pretend like there's no world outside.
Runner-Up: "Taylor"

76. "Buddy Holly," by Weezer
What's with these homies dissin' my girl? Why do they gotta' front?
Runner-Up: "Jamie"

75. "Meet Virginia," by Train
Daddy wrestles alligators. Mama works on carbeurators.
Runner-Up: "Drops Of Jupiter"

74. "Come Go With Me," by The Del Vikings
I need you darlin', so come go with me.
Runner-Up: "Cool Shake"

73. "Ode To Billie Joe," by Bobbie Gentry
And she and Billie Joe was throwin' somethin' off the Tallahatchie Bridge.
Runner-Up: "Let It Be Me"

72. "Don't Touch My Hat," by Lyle Lovett
I wear a seven, and you're out of order. I can tell from here you're a seven and a quarter.
Runner-Up: "If I Had A Boat"

71. "Good Morning Son," by Ben Folds
And everybody knows it sucks to grow up.
Runner-Up: "Kate"

70. "Glory Days," by Bruce Springsteen
I've got a friend, was a big baseball player back in high school.
Runner-Up: "Born To Run"

69. "General," by Dispatch
He grew a beard as soon as he could to cover the scars on his face and always urged his men on.
Runner-Up: "Out Loud"

68. "Ain't That A Kick In The Head," by Dean Martin
Like the sailor said, quote, "Ain't that a hole in the boat?"
Runner-Up: "Standing On The Corner"

67. "Mr. Jones," by Counting Crows
If I knew Picasso, I'd buy myself a gray guitar and play.
Runner-Up: "Rain King"

66. "Lose Yourself," by Eminem
There's vomit on my sweater already, mom's spaghetti.
Runner-Up: "Stan"

65. "Wish You Were Here," by Pink Floyd
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year.
Runner-Up: "Another Brick In The Wall"

64. "Johnny B. Goode," by Chuck Berry
He never ever learned to read or write so well, but he could play a guitar just like ringin' a bell.
Runner-Up: "You Never Can Tell"

63. "Funky Cold Medina," by Tone Loc
Like Mick Jagger said, I can't get no satisfaction.
Runner-Up: "Wild Thing"

62. "Mack The Knife," by Bobby Darin
You know when that shark bites with his teeth, dear, scarlet billows start to spread.
Runner-Up: "Beyond The Sea"

61. "Rhinestone Cowboy," by Glen Campbell
I've been walkin' these streets so long, singin' the same old song, I know every crack in these dirty sidewalks of Broadway.
Runner-Up: "Wichita Lineman"

60. "Tears In Heaven," by Eric Clapton
Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure, and I know there'll be no more tears in heaven.
Runner-Up: "Wonderful Tonight"

59. "New Slang," by The Shins
Godspeed all the bakers at dawn. May they all cut their thumbs and bleed into their buns till they melt away.
Runner-Up: "Caring Is Creepy"

58. "Fly Me To The Moon," by Frank Sinatra
Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars.
Runner-Up: "My Way"

57. "Georgia On My Mind," by Ray Charles
Georgia, a song of you comes as sweet and clear as moonlight through the pines.
Runner-Up: "Hallelujah, I Love Her So"

56. "Hotel California," by The Eagles
On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair, warm smell of colitas rising up through the air.
Runner-Up: "Peaceful, Easy Feeling"

55. "That Was A Crazy Game of Poker," by O.A.R.
Johnny doubled-up with a royal flush. I've got three jacks and a pair of nines.
Runner-Up: "3 A.M."

54. "Redemption Song," by Bob Marley
Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free our minds.
Runner-Up: "Three Little Birds"

53. "Don't Take The Girl," by Tim McGraw
I'll gladly take her place if you'll let me make this my last request: Take me out of this world, but please don't take the girl.
Runner-Up: "Red Ragtop"

52. "The Thunder Rolls," by Garth Brooks
Tonight will be the last time she'll wonder where he's been.
Runner-Up: "That Summer"

51. "Feels Like Home," by Chantal Kreviazuk
A window breaks down a long dark street, and a siren wails in the night.
Runner-Up: "Until We Die"

Tune in Monday for the top 50.

Later gators.

top 10 (not) guilty pleasures

2008-04-10T08:01:00.004-05:00

In Chuck IV, Chuck Klosterman includes a short essay about "guilty pleasures." His claim--one that I support--is that this is a condescending term. If we're talking about hiring Vietnamese prostitutes or snorting cocaine off of a fiberglass surfboard, fine. Those are things that some people might find pleasurable, and that they should certainly feel guilty about. But certainly Baywatch re-runs shouldn't be on that list, right? So I've compiled a list of what "society" would call my Top 10 Guilty Pleasures, but which I am calling my Top 10 (Not) Guilty Pleasures. Without further ado...

10. Playstation 2. Do you think this is a typo and I must mean Wii or XBox 360 or at least Playstation 3? Nope. I still have my old-school Playstation 2 from college, and when Sara goes to Oshkosh or Indiana or something, every once in a while I'll throw in Hardball 98 and take on Ken Griffey, Jr.'s Mariners with Fernando Vina (!) and the rest of my Brewers.

9. Mountain Dew. I think I would be hard-pressed to find a single person in the medical community that doesn't think soda is the worst thing in the world for you to put in your body. I'm starting to feel like Charlie's generation is going to look at soda-drinkers the way our generation looks at people who smoke cigarettes. And I'm like one of those guys from the 50's who says, "We didn't know how bad it was for you!" while he's dying of lung cancer. I will be, at least.

8. A Double-Decker Taco Supreme (no tomatoes). These are garbage and no one should ever put them in his or her body, but once a week or so, I do.

7. Those trick shot competitions on ESPN2. I'm flipping through the stations...nothing's on...starting to think about turning off the TV and reading a book...BAM! Trick shot competition. I'm set. Seriously, these things are addicting.

6. The Moment of Truth. We've mentioned this too many times on this blog to not include it. But we've also mentioned it too many times to spend much more time on it here.

5. Entertainment Weekly. Shouldn't I a) be reading something more substantial--Atlas Shrugged or something? and b) at least be wasting my time with something like Guns & Ammo or Field & Stream? Something a little more masculine? Actually, no. Remember, we're not here to judge.

4. "I Would Do Anything For Love," by Meatloaf. Remember a while back when somebody posted the video on the web of that Star Wars kid who was playing with a light saber by himself and it was really embarrassing? If a video like that is ever going to surface for me, it's going to be me in the car, by myself, when this song comes on. I'm banging on the steering wheel, singing at the top of my lungs, practically in tears when the girl's part comes on at the end. This is such a great song.

3. Love Actually. It's not just that I think this is entertaining for the kind of movie it is--the way I do with stuff like Sleepless in Seattle or Superbad. I think this is a genuinely great movie. The writing, the acting, the directing--how was this not nominated for Best Picture?

2. What Not To Wear. I used to sit in the room while my wife was watching and laugh at how lame it was. Then one day she was gone, and I landed on TLC, and I couldn't turn it off. I kept looking out the window to see if Sara was home yet so I could switch it to SportsCenter. I felt like I was watching a snuff film or something. Anyway, I think Stacy and Clinton are awesome, and I love this show. There, I said it.

1. teacher man. It's not that I feel guilty about it--again, I don't feel guilty about any of this stuff--but it's not like I'm saving the world here. Still, if I can make even one heterosexual male feel more comfortable about tearing up when that little boy runs through the airport after the little girl that sang "All I Want For Christmas Is You," then maybe, just maybe, it's all worth it.

Later gators.

mlb predictions 08

2008-04-09T08:15:00.002-05:00

I'm banging out 2 posts today (this and "who are these people?"), knowing that most of my readers will barely be interested in either one: they're about sports. Sorry folks.

Anyway, I wanted to get my predictions for the 2008 MLB season down before it goes any further. Here we go (wins in parentheses, *'s for playoff teams):

AL EAST
*Boston (101)
New York (90)
Tampa Bay (77)
Toronto (68)
Baltimore (64)

AL CENTRAL
*Cleveland (103)
*Detroit (94)
Chicago (86)
Minnesota (66)
Kansas City (64)

AL WEST
*Seattle (91)
Los Angeles (90)
Texas (76)
Oakland (64)

NL EAST
*New York (98)
*Philadelphia (96)
Atlanta (89)
Washington (65)
Florida (60)

NL CENTRAL
*Milwaukee (95)
Chicago (93)
Cincinatti (82)
St. Louis (79)
Houston (75)
Pittsburgh (65)

NL WEST
*Colorado (90)
Arizona (88)
Los Angeles (86)
San Diego (76)
San Francisco (59)

ALCS: Cleveland over Boston
NLCS: Philadelphia over Milwaukee

WORLD SERIES: Cleveland over Philadelphia

AL MVP: Miguel Cabrera
AL Cy Young: Erik Bedard
AL Rookie of the Year: Evan Longoria
AL Manager of the Year: Eric Wedge

NL MVP: Ryan Braun
NL Cy Young: Johan Santana
NL Rookie of the Year: Geovany Soto
NL Manager of the Year: Ned Yost

Later gators.

who are these people?

2008-04-09T07:43:00.003-05:00

I just thought of another way that I'm closer to my Wii age than I am to my real age: I listen to sports talk radio. And this morning on Mike & Mike, they were talking about fan behavior. First, 3 true stories about reprehensible fan behavior:

1) Steve Phillips used to be the General Manager for the New York Mets. After a loss during a particularly bad season, he was walking from the stadium to his car, holding his infant child in his arms, when a drunk fan approached him and started berating him in the parking lot. According to Phillips, he told the guy, "Look, you can say whatever you want. Just let me put my kid in the car first."

2) Steve Kerr played basketball for the University of Arizona before enjoying a successful career as a professional player. During his freshman year at U of A, his father--Dr. Malcolm Kerr, the president of American University in Beirut--was murdered by Islamic terrorists. Soon after, during a game at Arizona State, the ASU student body began chanting, "P.L.O.! P.L.O.!" (P.L.O. refers to the Palestine Liberation Organization, the terrorist group believed to be responsible for Kerr's assassination.)

3) Kevin Love played center for UCLA this year; he is a native of Oregon. When UCLA went to Eugene to play the Ducks, fans that felt Love had betrayed them by not going to Oregon called and left death threats on his voice mail (one example: "We'll find your hotel room and blow your f---ing head off with a shotgun"). Not only that, but at the game, fans taunted Love's family--including his mother, his grandmother, and his 13-year-old sister--with what Love's father called "every filthy word you can think of."

So the question on Mike & Mike this morning was basically why the hell do people act this way? I mean, those are all insane examples, but I could give you a dozen more without really even thinking too hard about it. Mike, Mike, and all of their listeners had a lot of thoughts, but here are the three that occurred to me:

1) One emailer suggested that fans yelling at players is no different than a coach doing it. I think any rational person realizes that that's a ludicrous suggestion, but I think it really gets to the root of the problem: These people want to feel like they have some kind of impact on the game. They honestly don't believe they're any different from a coach. Kevin Love had a monster game and UCLA beat Oregon, but you can bet that if Oregon had pulled off the upset, those dopes in the stands would have gone home and had a beer to celebrate how they "got in his head" and helped their team to a victory. This brings me to #2...

2) As much as the people in the stands want to pretend that the game is about the fans and the players somehow owe the fans something, it ain't true. If every professional sports league in the world somehow dissolved today, the players would still get together on some asphalt basketball court or some open field somewhere and play. They wouldn't feel like it was somehow less meaningful because there was no one there to watch them. The game is about the players. (Or perhaps more accurately, the game is about the game.)

3) I obviously don't deal with this stuff on the same level that professional (or even college) athletes and coaches do, but whenever a parent calls or emails or approaches me after a game to let me know that I'm not doing my job as well as I could be, I remember my favorite Al McGuire quote. McGuire coached Marquette basketball to their only national championship back in 1977. Once, when asked about fans who got after him before, during, and after games, he said, "Every obnoxious fan has a wife at home who dominates him." That always makes me feel better.

Later gators.

the 2,000 year old man

2008-04-07T08:04:00.003-05:00

I played baseball for Ripon College; I was a pitcher. And even though I didn't get a lot of what you would call "game action," Coach would occasionally put me out there. This typically happened when we were down by at least 10 runs. They called me "The White Flag." Anyway, I recall that when I pitched, I would usually wake up the next morning and feel some pain in my elbow and/or shoulder. This is typical for pitchers--it's why you see Major Leaguers wrapping half a dozen bags of ice around their arms after a start. Now, I am currently a baseball coach, and one of the requirements of that job is that I throw a lot of batting practice. These days, I never feel any pain. My arm, at this stage of my career, is for all intents and purposes made of rubber. I can throw 200 pitches one night and not feel a thing the next day. However, on Saturday night, I had my first experience with a Nintendo Wii. At a friend's daughter's birthday party, we broke it out and boxed and bowled, played tennis, baseball, and golf. Two days later, my arms still feels like it's hanging by a thread.

Now, some might suggest that it is the Wii experience that indicates that I'm getting old. It's not true. When you use muscles, they're supposed to get sore. The pain I feel from Saturday night reminds me of the pain I used to feel in college, which makes me feel like I'm still roughly college-age. It's the lack of pain after batting practice that makes me feel like my dad. And these kinds of paradoxes, which are becoming increasingly common, have me wondering how old I really am. I mean, my birth certificate says I'm 27, but I know a lot of 27-year-olds (some, at least), and I think I'm older than they are. Maybe I'm like the reverse one of those Cuban refugees who gets drafted into the Major Leagues but won't tell anyone his real age. I tell everyone I'm 27, but I'm wrong--I just don't know it.

According to the Kerstens' Wii, I'm 45, and that sounds much more accurate. Evidence:

1) I have had the same grown-up job for 5 years.
2) I have been married for almost 5 years.
3) I am in the process of selling a home and...
4) ...building a new home.
5) I have a 2-year-old.
6) TBA.
7) I complain about my knees and my back a lot.
8) I run like the guys I used to laugh at when I was in high school--sort of a hobble-jog.
9) I wear ties.
10) I have a tax-sheltered annuity.
11) I'm thinking about getting a physical, and it doesn't have anything to do with organized sports. I just want to make sure everything is doing what it's supposed to be doing.
12) I watch HGTV and the Food Network. A lot.
13) I teach Sunday School.
14) I went to a party on Saturday night, but it involved singing "Happy Birthday" and a playing with a Playskool basketball hoop. Plus my son ate half of my cheeseburger.

Does that sound like a 27-year-old to you? Should that list include things like "I buy my clothes at Urban Outfitters," or "I just got a sweet new plasma TV for my apartment"?

Still, with the possible exception of my knee problems (I think we're basically just talking about bone-on-bone down there) and my infuriating back (someday soon I don't think I'll be able to get out of the car without help), I wouldn't trade any of it. My kid, my wife, my job--they're all awesome. And Saturday night's party was way more fun than standing in some club screaming over the techno music. Heck, they even had cake. And not to sound like an old man, but real estate is always a good investment, and it's really a buyer's market.

Later gators.

tagged

2008-04-04T10:34:00.005-05:00

Hey, hey! I'm back! And I've been tagged. My buddy Kelly Smith--you probably know her from The Ben Show--has tagged me, which means that I have to make a bunch of Top 5 lists, which you know I love.

First, the rules (and oddly, only two of them...why not five?):
1. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
2. At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves a comment letting them know they've been tagged and to ask them to play along and to read your blog. (This may not happen--I'm not an avid reader of other blogs.)

what i was doing ten years ago...
1. Preparing to graduate from dear old Big Foot High. (I would also have accepted "dreading going to college.")
2. Skipping a spring break trip to NYC with our choir so I could stay home and play Palmyra-Eagle in a double-header.
3. Acing the writing portion of the AP English test.
4. Failing miserably on the macroeconomics portion of the AP Economics test.
5. Thinking that I was someday going to be a lawyer.

five things on my to-do list today...
NOTE: Kelly put "Gotta watch the American Idol results show." Are you kidding me? That's on your to-do list? Anyway...
1. Paint the basement floor is on there, but it's crossed off because I just did it. Nice work, Baker.
2. Touch up the paint on the outside windows.
3. Move a bunch of stuff to the storage unit.
4. Clean the bathroom.
5. Clean out the refrigerator.
NOTE: Now, that's what a to-do list looks like, Smith.

five snacks i enjoy...
1. Cookie Dough Concrete Malt (courtesy of Culver's).
2. Pita chips & hummus. (Next time you see me, ask me about a funny story about Charlie and hummus.)
3. Sahale snacks. (You must check these out.)
4. Almond Snickers.
5. Triscuits with cheddar cheese.

five things i would do if i was a billionaire...
1. I too would pay off debts. Student loans, mortgage, etc.
2. I also like Kelly's idea to start a college fund for all of the kids in our family. Excellent work. Were you inspired by Idol Gives Back? Good thing it was on your to-do list.
3. Write a book.
4. Finance the next phase in our church's building plan. (NOTE: I wouldn't demand it, but if they wanted to name it First Presbyterian Church of Alex Baker, I would be okay with that.)
5. Donate to all of the charities that Kelly mentioned because it sounds like she would be quite angry if I did not. (NOTE: For more on sending nets to Africa, read this article by Rick Reilly. Pretty interesting.)

five of my bad habits....
1. I watch The Moment of Truth. (Did you see the interview with the lady who thinks she's a bad person?! The show totally destroyed her marriage. Check it out.)
2. I'm impatient.
3. I like fast food too much. Specifically, Taco Bell.
4. I also spend too much time watching TV when I could be doing more productive things with my time. When Charlie goes down for the night, I can't motivate myself to do anything.
5. I have a hard time saying no, so sometimes I bite off more than I can chew.

five places i have lived....
1. Walworth, WI (born and raised).
2. Ripon, WI (in college).
3. Oshkosh, WI (with Rand and Vicki Erickson while I was student teaching).
4. Appleton, WI (in an apartment while I was long-term subbing at Neenah).
5. Woodstock, IL (now and for the last five years or so).

five jobs i've had....
1. Caddy, Big Foot Country Club. If I'd been older, this could have been a fun job, but I was too immature to be a part of the workforce.
2. Doer of random things, Heyer True Value Hardware. I cleaned things. I organized things. I stocked things. I put things together.
3. Produce department, Sentry. I hated this job. I had surgery on my back halfway through that summer, and I never went back.
4. Intern, Walworth Times. Probably the best non-teaching job I've had. Teri, my editor, was awesome. I think that if I wasn't a teacher, I'd write for a newspaper.
5. Writer, College Relations, Ripon College. I did this all through college. This was also a great job. Fun work and terrific people.

This is where I'm supposed to tag other blogs, but like I said, I don't read any other blogs except Kelly's. Who has the time? I guess I'll have to put it on my to-do list.

Later gators.

without a trace

2008-03-28T14:05:00.004-05:00

Yesterday, I weighed in with another installment of "students say the darndest things." When I casually asked my wife if she read it, she informed me that she thinks the "students say the darndest things" entries are--and I'm quoting--"snoozers." Feelings were definitely hurt. Anyway, she requested that I make it up to her by writing about The Celebrity Apprentice, so I feel that I owe it to her.

As I've mentioned before, I watched the first season of The Apprentice religously. I didn't really pay much attention again until this season, but when Gene Simmons, Stephen Baldwin, and Nadia Comaneci are going to be in the same boardroom, you watch. And before long, it became appointment television. My early pick for the winner was ex-supermodel Carol Alt, but before long, the Baker family became serious fans of Mr. Trace Adkins. This has been pretty standard with me and reality television. I like the normal ones--Rebecca from The Real World: Seattle, Tamyra Gray from the first season of American Idol, etc. And Trace, in the context of The Celebrity Apprentice, was the normal one. But last night, Donal Trump fired him, thereby putting the exclamation point on reality television's worst week ever. (See yesterday's entry for more on that.)

Here's the thing: For the last week, NBC had been promoting the showdown between Trace and Piers Morgan (who, along with Tiffany Fallon, was one of the only two "celebrities" I'd never heard of before the show began) as the battle of "Good v. Evil." Trace is the laid-back cowboy who did everything with dignity; Piers is the sneaky, underhanded British guy. Now, they didn't need to do it that way. Those shows are obviously mostly about editing, so they could have edited it in a way that didn't make everyone pro-Trace. But once they made that decision, I think it was Donald Trump's responsibility to make Trace the celebrity apprentice. Why would you pit good versus evil and give the job to evil?! And I'm not the only one that thinks so--on the NBC web site, the web poll question is "Did the Donald make the right decision?" and 65% of America said no. Infuriating.

So here's what came of my experience with The Celebrity Apprentice: 1) I have a new-found respect for Trace Adkins; 2) I have a new level of loathing for all things British; 3) I've realized that Ivanka Trump is actually fairly normal--much more than any other Trumps; 4) I do not like Marilu Henner; 5) I don't understand how someone as blah as Lennox Lewis wins a heavyweight title; and 6) there is nothing funnier than watching Trace Adkins deal with the Backstreet Boys. Plus, this mildly angry blog entry. Damn Brits.

Later gators.

students say the darndest things (part 3)

2008-03-27T07:53:00.004-05:00

First of all, I'm seething right now. My guy, Chikezie, got the boot on American Idol last night. Absolutely ludicrous. Here is a list of people who are actually better than the C-Man: Brooke White, Carly Smithson, David Cook, and Michael Johns. If those were the only people still on the show and Chikezie-E got voted off, I would have no problems with that. But to pull a Bernie Mac here for a minute, Come on, America! Kristy Lee Cook? Jason Castro? Ramiele Malubay, for crying out loud! I know there's no way to find this out, but I would wager my first-born son on the fact that Chikezie would sell more tickets and albums that Ramiele. And it wouldn't be close. So thank you, voters, for making the rest of my AI-watching experience slightly less enjoyable. Hope you're happy. At least it looks like next week's The Moment of Truth is going to be truly horrifying, so I've got that to look forward to.

Since I'm too upset to come up with a new idea, I'm weighing in with another installment of "student say the darndest things." I've decided that this is a truly inspired idea for a regular feature because I might someday run out of ideas for Top 10's, and I can only do mailbags if people are commenting, but kids will always say stupid things in their papers. It's a bottomless well of material. So let's get started. As always, the names have been changed, but these are all direct quotations.

STEPHANIE CARLSON (analysis of "War is Kind"): "In ‘War is Kind,’ Stephen Crane says, ‘Point for them the virtue of slaughter.’ He is saying that the men at war get points for killing people."
How many statements like this do I have to put up before you start wondering if it's really just my crazy kids or if I'm truly an incompetent teacher? Maybe we're already there...

JENNIFER HART (analysis of a David Eggers short short story): “Children enjoy being naked. They also like to hide their diapers from you, but that isn’t the point of this paper.”
Unfortunately--but maybe predictably--it never became clear what the point of the paper actually was.

ANDY O'BRIEN (analysis of a David Eggers short short story): “Some symbolism that I believe is in there is the Enron coffee cup symbolizes Roderick, the grapefruit juice symbolizes his wife’s complaining, and the cantaloupe symbolizes his plan to solve his wife’s issue with sleep eventually in possible murder.”
1) I love how he says the symbolism is "in there." It's like he's cleaning out a gutter. 2) I thought the last part of this sentence was crazy, but I just checked in my symbolism book, and it says, "CANTALOUPE: freshness, morning, plans to solve spouse's sleep issues with murder." So it turns out Andy was on to something.

ALICIA CONNOR (analysis of a D.E. short short story): “The passage ‘and when she thinks of what she will say to him and how loudly she will say it, she feels a strange kind of pleasure’ is like a slap in the face. This is a surprise to the reader, who now find out that the mother is unexpectedly a sado-masochist.”
It certainly came as a surprise to this reader.

ERIN NABORS (analysis of "Incident," by Countee Cullen): “Have you ever seen someone that was being racial towards another person?”
"Racial," Erin? Really?

DEVON MAISE (analysis of "The Red Wheelbarrow," by William Carlos Williams): “Another thing that was interesting about the structure was the first line has three words and the second line has one. Why he did this I am not sure, but it’s interesting to think about.”
This is really all I ask from my students. I don't need you to understand what's going on in the poem. Just give me something interesting to think about. Well done.

CRAIG GOLDBERG (analysis of "Incident"): “Having been denied work just for being labeled as an idiot I can relate to how these insults feels.”
This might be my all-time favorite. Just let it soak in for a while.

JORDAN CARTER (timed write): “Example: Boyfriend Mark decides to lie to girlfriend Anna. ‘Mark, we should go see a movie tonight. I think it would be a lot of fun since we don’t get to be with each other that often.’ Mark replies, ‘No, no. I feel a little sick. I’ve had a headache all day. Maybe we could save it until tomorrow?’ Is he telling her the truth? Nope. In reality, he is going out with her best friend Meg.”
Based on the tone of this essay, I think that "Mark" is an actual person, and he'd better watch out. The actual Jordan seems kind of like a crazy person.

Now, I'm going to introduce these final excerpts, all from the same paper, by saying that the core thesis of this essay is basically this: School is not as competitive as Alexandra Robbins claims it is in the book The Overachievers. Most people are content to just get by. At least Greg is.

GREG HARRIS: “[I read] the non-fiction novel The Overachievers”; “I am a senior in high school and all of my friends are starting to pick out collages”; “I have [a lot of friends] whose lives are already set for them. By that I mean they already have a full-time job and are out as an adult in the work force, [which] makes it a little less competitive for people like me to get into collage.”
1) What is a non-fiction novel? For those of you who have not read it, The Overachievers is not one. 2) He spelled "colleges" this way every single time. 3) Well, I'm glad that the fact that intelligent people are getting jobs is making it easier for you to get into collage. Just don't tell them that I had anything to do with it.

Later gators.

miscellaneous

2008-03-26T08:44:00.003-05:00

I have a funny story to tell, I want to address Joe's 2 Truths and a Lie, and I have a web site to recommend, so today we have a real teacher man smorgasbord. (New Year's Resolution '09: Use the word "smorgasbord" more often.)

THE APPETIZER
I stopped by the post office yesterday to send out a couple of things, and I heard the following conversation, word for word, between 2 middle school kids. (It is typically my policy to avoid salty language on teacher man whenever possible, but sometimes it's not possible. Be prepared.)

MIDDLE SCHOOLER #1: Okay, explain this to me.
MIDDLE SCHOOLER #2: Okay.
MS 1: 3 is 3 times as much as 1, right?
MS 2: Right.
MS 1: Then how come $3.99 is only twice as much as $1.99?
MS 2 (literally stopping in mid-stride, with his jaw nearly on the sidewalk, and in his most amazed voice): Holy shit.
MS 1: I know!

That made my Tuesday.

THE MAIN COURSE
Okay, I'm going to take a stab at Joe's 2 Truth and a Lie. If you didn't see his comment to yesterday's post, check it out.

1) I'm saying it's #3. I think Rod Stewart told you that you smelled good. (Again, if you didn't read his comment, you need to check it out because it just occurred to me that that sounds like a crazy sentence if you don't know what we're talking about.)

2) I don't remember you playing the evil doctor, but I do remember the other 2, so I'm saying #3. (Your performance in Hair, by the way, is the reason that every time Stacy mentions her place of employment, I sing, "Manchester, England, England!" in my head.)

3) #3. I don't think you flew home this year. I know that #1 is true because that's a classic mom move--the old Vaseline/coffee ground beard. And #2 sounds like something you'd do.

4) I'm saying #3 again. Too tall for American Idol? I don't think that sounds right. I think you're just too weird.

5) Tricky. I think they're all true. I guess maybe you saw a Broadway show that I'm not aware of. I'll say #2.

6) #3. You're not allergic. You used to think you didn't like them, but once you tried one, you realized that you love them. I listen to you.

7) #1. You did not walk with Stacy. Andy walked with Stacy--you walked with Aletha.

8) For you, #3 is the lie. But it wouldn't be for all of us.

9) I'm going to say #1, even though it seems just weird enough for Joe Baker to do it.

10) #3 is a bold-faced lie. Anyone who knows anything about Charlie and anything about you knows that you are identical. If you don't believe me, ask Joe to count to 10 and wait for him to say, "1, 2, 3, 4, 6, w, x, y, z!"

DESSERT
Stumbled upon this web site the other day, and it made me laugh. It's called "Stuff White People Like," and it's got short essays on stuff like multilingual children, bottles of water, Oscar parties, Mos Def, knowing what's best for poor people, Juno, sushi, Netflix, marathons, having black friends, and tea. You'll love it.

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm stuffed.

Later gators.

2 truths and a lie (part 2)

2008-03-25T07:25:00.005-05:00

Is this self-indulgent? Maybe. Anyway, without further ado, the lies...

CELEBRITY ENCOUNTERS
If you look closely, you can see me in the background during the tour bus scene of the Vince Vaughn-Jennifer Aniston movie The Break-Up, which was shot in Chicago.
Nope. You can't. I think I did see the movie being filmed one day while we were in Chicago, but I'm pretty sure I'm not in it. I did talk to Rick Reilly on the phone, and I did see Kenny C. in a Nashville Subway--check out top 10 celebrity encounters for more details.

HIGH SCHOOL SPORTS
I was an all-conference football player in high school.
If you know anything about my high school football experience, this one made you laugh. In 2 years of JV and 3 years of varsity (I played both as a sophomore), we won a grand total of 3 games. We were routinely on the losing end of games that ended with scores like 54-6 and 63-0. If Mike Hinske would have nominated me for all-conference, he would have been laughed out of the meeting.

HOLIDAYS & OBSERVANCES
I spent my 21st birthday alone in my dorm room studying for an Environmental Studies exam.
I actually spent my 21st birthday singing in Carrie Volp's wedding. I might have had a beer from a plastic cup at the reception. Not exactly a crazy story, but better than this fabrication.

ENTERTAINMENT
I played the minor role of Pentheus, the King of Thebes, in a college production of The Bakkhai.
Did I fool some of you? I was indeed in The Bakkhai. However, I played the smallest part in the play: Guard. Pentheus was a big part and they wouldn't have let me touch it with a 10-foot scepter.

MOVIES & TELEVISION
I have never seen a full episode of Seinfeld.
Of course I have, you nitwits. You mostly know about the Jersey Girl incident, but I bet you were hoping that I wasn't a Mad About You fan. Well, sorry to disppoint. I think I watched that show about 4 times a day when I was in high school. High school! (I do feel less bad about this after reading that MENSA chose MAY as one of the 10 smartest shows of all-time. Seriously.)

FOOD
I spilled ravioli on my white shirt during my first date with my wife.
Wrong. I wore a red shirt, and I ate shrimp alfredo. She wore a red and white checkered shirt and ate Caesar salad. We ate at the Goose Blind. I got her daisies. We watched Murder in the First. Impressive, eh?

JUNE 21, 2003
I didn't eat anything on the day of our wedding.
Very close to being true, but not quite. I didn't anything prior to the wedding, which is why I spent the wedding reception feeling like I was going to pass out or die. However, I had a handful of popcorn and a bite of a cookie on the way from the church to the hotel. And about 8 bottles of Dasani during the reception. I just made it.

EDUCATION
I graduated suma cum laude from Ripon College.
I graduated magna cum laude. And I'm bitter to this day because I didn't get into Phi Beta Kappa. It's a stupid society full of a bunch of snotty, pretentious, self-important losers. (Sorry, dear.)

NUMBERS
I lost $250 on a gambling web site after betting on the Chicago Bears to cover the spread in last year's Super Bowl.
Anyone who thought this was true has no idea how terrified I am of my wife.

CHUCK B.
My son can consistently count from 1 to 10.
First, to clear up the other 2: One day Charlie fell down or something, and he came over to me to get a hug. So I said, "Oh no! Is Charlie sad?" And I tickled him or something, and he thought it was funny, so he kept saying, "Charlie sad!" so I would keep doing it. Later, we were watching basketball--as I've told you before, the only things my son will watch are Sesame Street, VeggieTales, and college basketball--and I said, "Look, it's Chris Paul." So he said, "Chris Paul sad!" And I thought that was pretty funny. So he did it again with Lebron James, then Michael Redd, then Tyler Hansborough. And now he does it with all of the basketball players he knows. Also, his friend Tiffany's mother--Wendy--is from China, and when they were there last, they got him the vest. He wore it on Sunday, and he looked awesome. However, he usually counts like this: "1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 9, 10." And sometimes he gets real excited and it's more like this: "1, 2, 4, 7, w, x, y, z!" But he's 2, so give him a break, for crying out loud.

Later gators.

2 truths and a lie

2008-03-24T08:16:00.006-05:00

You know what I hate? Ice-breakers. But whenever you go to a conference/workshop/etc., you're forced to engage in these ridiculous games and activities with total strangers where everything is backward because the most normal, well-adjusted people feel totally uncomfortable and the most insane, irritating individuals are as happy as a bunch of attention-starved clams. Anyway, the only one that I can kind of tolerate is 2 Truths and a Lie. If you haven't played the game before, the title pretty much says it all: You make three statements about yourself, two of which are true and one of which is a lie, then everyone else has to guess which is false. So we're going to play a little game of 2 Truths and a Lie starring yours truly. (If you're an avid reader, you'll notice that some of the answers have already been revealed in previous blog entries.)

CELEBRITY ENCOUNTERS
1) I once spoke on the telephone with 8-time National Sportswriter of the Year Rick Reilly.
2) If you look closely, you can see me in the background during the tour bus scene of the Vince Vaughn-Jennifer Aniston movie The Break-Up, which was shot in Chicago.
3) I once saw Kenny Chesney at a Subway in Nashville.

HIGH SCHOOL SPORTS
1) I was an all-conference football player in high school.
2) I was an all-conference basketball player in high school.
3) I was an all-conference baseball player in high school.

HOLIDAYS & OBSERVANCES
1) I dressed as Doogie Howser for one Halloween when I was in middle school.
2) I crashed my wife's car on the morning of our first Valentine's Day together.
3) I spent my 21st birthday alone in my dorm room studying for an Environmental Studies exam.

ENTERTAINMENT
1) I played the minor role of Pentheus, the King of Thebes, in a college production of The Bakkhai.
2) I was once called up to sing with the gospel choir at the Chicago House of Blues Gospel Brunch.
3) I sang "Mr. Blue," by Garth Brooks, in Walworth Grade School's Pops Concert when I was in 8th grade.

MOVIES & TELEVISION
1) I cried when Jennifer Lopez's character died during the movie Jersey Girl.
2) I own the first season of Mad About You on DVD.
3) I have never seen a full episode of Seinfeld.

FOOD & DRINK
1) I once ate an entire lemon wedge--including the peel--on a dare.
2) I have never had a cup of coffee.
3) I spilled ravioli on my white shirt during my first date with my wife.

JUNE 21, 2003
1) The bridesmaids at our wedding wore green dresses.
2) I didn't eat anything on the day of our wedding.
3) Our wedding party was introduced to the song "Copacabana," by Barry Manilow.

EDUCATION
1) I graduated suma cum laude from Ripon College.
2) I served as student council president my senior year of high school.
3) I began my 2nd-grade year taking two classes at the 3rd-grade level: math and handwriting.

NUMBERS
1) There were 90 students in my high school graduating class.
2) I lost $250 on a gambling web site after betting on the Chicago Bears to cover the spread in last year's Super Bowl.
3) Not including flip-flops, I own 5 pairs of shoes, none of which were purchased within the last calendar year.

CHUCK B.
1) My son thinks it's funny to pretend that certain professional basketball players--Michael Redd, Lebron James, Chris Paul--are sad.
2) My son wore an authentic Chinese vest to our Sunday morning Easter service.
3) My son can consistently count from 1 to 10.

Tune in tomorrow for the big reveal. Hope you'll still be able to sleep tonight.

Later gators.

gambling for the sake of gambling

2008-03-21T07:02:00.007-05:00

Do you watch The Office? (NOTE: This entry is not going to be about The Office. I promise. But if you don't, you really, really should.) Anyway, there's one episode where March Madness has just ended, and everyone around the office is still so psyched to gamble that they start betting on random stuff like how many jelly beans are in the dish on Pam's desk and how long it will take Kelly to explain Netflix to Ryan. Well, we are smack dab in the middle of the greatest 48 hours of my year--the first two days of the NCAA men's basketball tournament--and I feel like a gambling addict. I need to bet on stuff. So I remembered an earlier blog ("the endorsement: the endorsement") in which I mentioned bodog.com. It's a betting web site. And while I usually check out stuff like lines on football games and odds on which team is most likely to win the NCAA tourney, they do have pages with things like "Celebrity Betting" and "Television & Film Betting." And I'm guessing that that would appeal to my audience a little more. Here's the web site. And here are some of the most interesting lines (my picks are in bold):

Who will Britney Spears' character mention as part of a joke during her cameo appearance on CBS sitcom 'How I Met Your Mother'?
Kevin Federline, Justin Timberlake, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, The Paparazzi
(I think the HIMYM writers are too clever to do something obvious like KF or PH. Unfortunately, saying herself only pays out 1/2, which means that if I bet $100, I only get $150 back. Evidently, the smart money is on Britney. And that's something you don't hear every day.)

Who will be the winner of American Idol 7?
(I'm not going to list everyone because if you watch the show, you know them, and if you don't, you're not interested. Anyway, I was all ready to say Chikeze because he's my guy, but the odds are 40/1--as opposed to 4/1 for Carly Smithson and David Cook or 14/1 for Michael Johns. I totally thought Chikeze was a front-runner. That guy's awesome. Lest you doubt me, check out his performance of "She's A Woman.")

Who will be the winner of Dancing With The Stars 6?
(To paraphrase Michael Scott, I live by one rule: Don't watch Dancing With The Stars. No way. Very stupid show. But I live by another rule: When you have the chance to bet on Steve Guttenberg, you do it.)

What country will Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's next adopted child be from?
(Again, there are a lot of options, but the shocker: the United States is going off at 8/1. That makes it the 2nd-most likely option. Doesn't it seem unlikely that they would have all these kids from Cambodia and the like, then adopt some kid from Phoenix? I'm going with Afghanistan. Incidentally, Africa is the 7/1 favorite. However, Bodog people, it's not a country.)

What will Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt name their next biological child together?
(The favorite? Marcheline. The long-shot? Jon. That's how mixed up the world is right now. Anyway, I like the 12/1 odds on Bertrand.)

Will iTunes surpass Wal-Mart to become the No. 1 U.S. music retailer in 2008?
(Based on the number of little punks that I have to yell at for listening to their iPods while I'm explaining restrictive and non-restrictive clauses, I'm going to say Yes.)

Who will be named as the Democratic candidate for the 2008 U.S. Presidential Election?
(I'm betting on and voting for Barack Obama, of course, but here's something interesting: the Obaminator is going off at 3/10, and Hillary is the 12/5 underdog, but you can still take the "Field" at 100/1. Are people putting money down in the hopes that Dennis Kucinich makes a last-second leap?)

Who will be the next President of the United States?
(Most of you will be glad to know that B.O. is the favorite, but John McCain is thisclose. Hillary is not.)

Who will win the next UK general election?
(I'm picking the Liberal Democrats in a last-second upset. I'm telling you, they're the Villanova of the UK general elections!)

Okay, I have to run. There's basketball on in 4 hours.

Later gators.

"no bed!"

2008-03-20T16:11:00.003-05:00

Wondering where the title of this entry comes from? Well, walk into my house tonight around midnight, and I'm willing to bet that you're going to hear those words. And they'll be loud. (Don't actually walk into my house around midnight tonight. That would freak me out.) Anyway, Charlie has decided that he doesn't like sleeping. In this way, he's very, very different from his parents. So for the last week, I've been spending anywhere from 1-4 hours awake with my son every night. And I don't think my body liked that, so I got sick and missed a day and a half of school this week. Incidentally, it's the first week of baseball practice and our River of Praise band is preparing for Easter Sunday.

So what's the point? Well, this is my first blog entry of the week, and it's not going to be an especially good one, and I wanted people to understand why. I'll do my best to come up with something tomorrow.

There is one thing that I wanted to include here just so I can clean up my email inbox (I hate having a cluttered inbox). A while back, I came up with a playlist for a hypoethetical CD that I might make for someone, and one of the songs on it was "Nothing Fancy," by Dave Barnes. Well, apparently there's a guy at Razor and Tie, Inc.--these people represent DB--who scans the Internet trying to find people who are writing about DB on their blogs. And he found mine, so he sent me a bunch of stuff--a Dave Barnes poster, Dave Barnes stickers, and, most interestingly, a Dave Barnes promotional CD. What a great idea. I'm sending these people one of Sam's CD's.

Anyway, the only thing he asked in return was that I post some links on my blog. Evidently they have a promotion going for Dave's new album that you can buy CD's/DVD's/t-shirts/etc. on special. So here are the links:

2 CD's & 1 DVD:
http://www.musicspace.com/referral.asp?tracking_id=dbblog&type=P&product

2 CD's, 1 DVD, & 1 t-shirt:
http://www.musicspace.com/referral.asp?tracking_id=dbblogtee&type=P&product=MS2934&partner_id=dbblogtee

I'm a big Dave Barnes fan, so I recommend that you check this out. And if you want a sticker, I'm your man.

Later gators.

teacher man mailbag

2008-03-14T08:13:00.007-05:00

A while back, I decided that if a day came when I just couldn't come up with anything interesting for a blog, I would let you do the work. The day has come. That said, prepare for the first-ever teacher man mailbag with my responses to comments you've left along the way. Enjoy.

"I'm a simple girl, but I'll be supportive of your guac burger thing. But I really think you've got an entire state out here that would be receptive to your guac movement. You're not alone, Baker." (Claire, "guac, stock, and barrel")
So I went to Fuddruckers the other night with Nicole, and when I went up to order my burger, I said, "Do you guys have guacamole?" And the girl said, "Yeah. We can put it on your burger if you want." I was stunned. Is there a groundswell as a result of teacher man? Am I convincing the masses? "I do," I said. "Do people ask you to do that a lot?" "No." I see.

"I can't believe how much time you have to waste at school. I'm horribly jealous. But, clearly I'm not doing work right now either, so maybe I should just be quiet." (Stacy, "top 10 snl sketches")
Here's the thing: I don't have time to waste at school. I'm extraordinarily busy. And in that way, this blog is sort of like Netflix. Netflix makes me so nervous you wouldn't believe. Every time that we have a movie for more than a few days, I feel like I'm wasting hard-earned money. And sometimes I'll have a bunch of papers to grade and copies to make, but I'll sit down and type one frantic blog entry just to get it up. I think I'm getting a blog-induced ulcer. (Incidentally, wouldn't Blog-Induced Ulcer be a great name for a band?)

"i laughed out loud so much while reading this that my boss had to come ask me if i was 'okay' --aka, 'start working.'" (Joe, "the faculty meeting")
While I appreciate that you enjoyed the entry, your boss having to come calm you down reminds me of my degenerate students. They'll be goofing around, so I'll walk over and say something like, "How are we doing, fellas?" And they'll say fine and get back to work, then I go to another group and the first group gets rowdy again until we repeat the procedure. Eventually, I just say, "Guys, I'm getting bored of walking over and trying to give you subtle hints to get back to work. Knock it off." (In case you missed it, Joe, you were the degenerate student in this analogy.)

"sorry about that 'gross' comment, mr. baker. i thought i was being funny, didnt mean to offend. and steve carrell always makes a mean bratwurst." (Joe, "joe on rollerblades")
First, I don't think there's anywhere else on the Internet wherer you'll find the statemtent, "steve carrell always makes a mean bratwurst." Second, this is a perfect example of why people use adverbs even though they're the tools of the devil. According to Stephen King, people use adverbs because they're afraid that otherwise, people won't understand what they mean. When the public outcry against my "nba predictions 07-08" blog was so intense that I joked that people should "feel free not to read" this page, I was (I thought) obviously joking. But I don't think that was clear. And that made Joe think that the tone of his comment--a cogent "gross"--wasn't clear either (although it was). There were a lot of late-night phone calls and crying involved. Anyway, my apologies to anyone who thought I was really offended by his or her snarkiness. I am a fan of snarkiness. (Incidentally, wouldn't Snarkiness be a great name for a band?)

"I just saw The Big Lebowski because everyone thinks it's awesome...and I didn't really like it. I'm not sure why. I do like White Russians, though." (Stacy, "top 50 movies (50-41)")
1) You're crazy for not liking The Big Lebowski. 2) Did anyone that took the Booze Test yesterday think it was funny that the first clue for White Russian was a picture of Jeff Bridges in this movie?

"and i flippin' love tony kornheiser." (Joe, "why sam is awesome")
What?! Is this really true? I was just scanning through old comments and I don't think I caught this the first time through. I feel like you're being sarcastic. Are you?

"Ahoy. This is Jessi (August)...I think I have an answer to something you were debating earlier. Your '3rd Thing' that you're good at is grammar. How do I know this? You corrected Elisa Gately's entry in my yearbook with red pen." (Jessi, "happy holidays")
1) I no longer feel guilty (or stupid) about calling you Jessi August in "googling you" since that's the way you re-introduced yourself here. 2) I don't remember this incident with Elisa Gately's yearbook. Can this possibly be true? It seems like something I'd do now, but I guess I'd been fooling myself into thinking that I was less uncool back then. That's depressing.

We're going to stop at the end of 2007 because I've got actual work to be doing. We'll have another installment some other time when I'm uninspired. Enjoy your weekend.

Later gators.

why i don't teach kindergarten

2008-03-13T10:03:00.003-05:00

I think I have a new favorite web site. For today, at least. It's www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com. And it is exactly what its web address suggests that it would be. You answer a series of questions, and it determines how many five year olds you could take in a fight. Also, the site links to a variety of additional quizzes/games/etc. Great time-waster. Today, I learned:

...that on an enclosed basketball court, with a protective cup but no weapons or foreign objects, I could knock out no fewer than 17 five year olds.

...I can name 50 countries in five minutes. That might seem impressive until you realize that there are 270 countries in the world. I did get the United Arab Emirates. I did not get Italy.

...I can name 41 colors in five minutes. This one is bullcrap. According to whom? I mean, "brick red" is a color. Ask Crayola. Anyway, I still feel like 41 is pretty good.

...that if I were stranded on the moon, I would die almost immediately. I earned a 34% on the Moon Survival Challenge. On this grading scale, that is an F.

...that 139,012 people died on the day I was born (10/6/1980). Among them were British comedienne Hattie Jacques and French cyclist Jean Robic. On my various birthdays, the following people have died: Anwar Sadat (in '81), Bette Davis ('89), Johnny Vander Meer ('97), and Buck O'Neill ('07).

...that my body is 71% effective as a human shield.

...that my dead body is worth $4,140. I don't have any point of reference here, but I feel like that number should be higher.

...that I have only a 34% chance of survival in the event of a zombie attack. (Didn't I tell you this was a great site? Where else could you find out that the odds of you surviving a zombie attack are precisely the same as the odds of you surviving a crash landing on the moon?)

...that I am 30% geek. I think this comes as a shock to just about everyone.

...that I am 39% likely to eat my buddies in a blizzard.

...that there is a 50% chance that my brain contains grade-A synethesia. (It has something to do with creativity. I can't explain it any better than that.)

...that I am defined as a "lush," scoring an 80% on the Booze Test.

...that I know Disney slightly better than I know alcohol, as I scored an 81% on the Disney Test.

...that I am a great speller--100% on the Blogger Spelling Test. Was there every any doubt?

So there you go. I hope you didn't have anything planned for the next hour. Meanwhile, my English 11 Lit. kids are pissed because I haven't graded their essays. If they only knew...

Later gators.

minor editorial notes and an interesting story

2008-03-11T07:32:00.006-05:00

Okay, so here's why I need to quit teaching and make teacher man my full-time job (although, would I then need to change the name?): I could spend much more time editing to make sure that I don't make silly errors. Yesterday's entry was a perfect example.

1) My long-lost friend Claire and the Jason and Amy Erickson family are among my most dedicated readers, yet I somehow overlooked them in my Google searches. Had I been more vigilant, I would have learned that a) Claire joins Becky as one of my two most important friends because the first link that pops up for her is also actually about her--the Goodreads page of someone named Emily Ann, and b) Jason Erickson has brain cancer and needs our help; Amy Erickson is a professor in the geography department at Cambridge; Mike Erickson is running for Congress; and Sam Erickson directs videos for country superstars Brooks and Dunn. So there you go.

2) Also, Kelly Smith is a friend with whom Sara went to grad school. At the time, her name was Kelly Sanders. That hasn't been the case for some time, but I'm evidently still living in 2002. This slip-up actually isn't surprising--this week I emailed my dad to see if I could borrow the truck this weekend to move some of our stuff into a storage unit, which would be a perfectly reasonable question if it weren't for the fact that they traded that truck in months ago. I'm nothing if not underinformed. Anyway, my apologies Mrs. Smith. Your entry should have identified you as a blogger who describes herself as a "web slave since 1994."

Now, our friend Kelly's doppelganger raises an interesting question. Has she really been a web slave since 1994? How could that be? Who was that devoted to the Internet in 1994? I didn't even know how to email when I went to college in the fall of 1998. In fact, I distinctly recall the first time I was introduced to the Internet. Here's the story:

During my freshman year of high school, I took biology with Dennis Esch. We had three essay tests that were insanely difficult. (Incidentally, the two lowest grades I've ever earned were in geometry with Michael Manghera and this biology course.) One asked us to explain cellular respiration, one asked us to explain photosynthesis, and I don't remember what the other one was about. Anyway, I didn't understand any of these processes, so I asked the librarian--Mr. Waters--if there were any books that I could use to study. He took me over to his computer and logged on to something called the "web." Half an hour later, I was looking at a 2-page explanation of cellular respiration. It was perfect. So he printed it off for me and I took it home. Now, the purpose of these tests was probably to understand something like cellular respiration well enough to be able to explain it back to him, but I didn't think that seemed like something I was capable of, so I memorized the 2 pages that Mr. Waters had printed for me, word for word. It took me like 2 hours, but I had it down. It was pretty impressive, if I do say so myself.

So I went into class the next day, I regurgitated all of the stuff I'd memorized onto a couple pages of notebook paper, and 2 days later Mr. Esch returned the paper with a 96 on the top. Outstanding. Immediately below the 96, it said, "See me after class." So I did--with some apprehension--and he just said, "This was pretty impressive. There's stuff in there that we didn't even talk about. I was just wondering where you got all that information." So I told him about this amazing "program" on Mr. Waters's computer, and he said, "That's great. Nice job." I walked out of the room feeling good.

Flash forward 7 years. I'm sitting in an education class at Ripon College, and some kid asks Professor Williams, "What if we think a kid cheated but we can't prove it?" Her answer: "I'd just write something like, 'See me after class,' on his paper, then tell him something like, 'This is really good, and I was just wondering where you got your information.'" Wait one damn minute. Seven years later, I realized that Mr. Esch thought I cheated, which I absolutely, positively did not. So if you're reading this, Mr. Esch, I earned that 96. And I also probably earned the CD you gave me for the term. Now, as for the geometry grade, Mike...

Later gators.

googling you

2008-03-10T08:01:00.007-05:00

So I did a post a while back in which I claimed that it was impossible for a person not to do an Internet search for himself or herself. It's just too tempting. (My wife claims that she's never done it, but then I Googled her name and found it on a web page called pathologicalliars.com.) I learned that there are people with my name in the business world, the art world, and Hollywood. Also, our appreciation for Tom and Diane, who DJ'd our wedding, is still there for all to see on the Night Dancin' web site.

So it occurred to me that it might be interesting to see what pops up when I Google some of my readers and other close friends. In every case, I used the Google search engine and entered your name in quotation marks. (Sorry if I missed anybody.) Here's what I learned:

"sara baker." Does my wife lead a secret double-life in which she spends her nights as a wife and mother to me and Charlie but spends her days collaborating with Oren Helbok to create "unique animated handmade furniture inspired by patterns of nature"? Probably not, but if I find out that she does, you can expect a lenghty blog entry about it in the near future.

"charlie baker." Charlie's got a blog! This one, however, is about health care. And it's got nothing to do with my son. It's the brainchild of Charlie Baker, President and CEO of Harvard Pilgrim. I don't know what Harvard Pilgrim is, but here's a picture of the "other" Charlie Baker.

"stacy erickson." In addition to her groundbreaking work on publishing in Elizabethan England (or something like that), my sister-in-law is evidently a prominent photographer in the Tuscon area. This is her poorly-designed MySpace page. It needs work, Stace.

NOTE: I just spent three minutes trying to figure out how to spell Stace/Stac. Did I make the right call? You tell me.

"joe baker." Joe actually does paint--you can ask Charlie (our son, not the Harvard Pilgrim guy), who comes into our bed every morning and says, "Joe picture," while pointing at the painting that hangs on the wall of our room. So it's interesting that this Joe Baker is also a painter. This one is weirder, as evidenced by the creepy monkey pointing the cane at the guy in the top hat. Seriously.

"sam baker." So close. This is a musician, but it's a guy from Texas with some kind of skull in the middle of his homepage. The Sam that we all know and love is much, much better.

"dick baker." This is probably the worst-looking page on the Internet. Remember in Shattered Glass when Stephen Glass put together the Jukt Micronics web page in like five minutes to try to convince the media that the corporation existed? That's what this looks like. Also, he sites "Dick Two Ton Baker" as a "personal interest." I hope this isn't Dad.

"roxanne baker." No way! It's an IMDB page for a make-up artist named Roxanne "Roxie" Baker, who has evidently worked on not only Saved By The Bell: The College Years, but also How I Met Your Mother. Nice, Mom.

"kelly sanders." "TV.com offers all the latest Kelly Sanders news as well as exclusive Kelly Sanders photos." Wow. I wonder where people would go if they wanted all the latest Alex Baker news? Probably here.

"jessica august." Oh my. This is a very racy page. It's not even about someone named Jessica August. It's about someone named Jessica who was the covergirl for the month of August. I'm not even going to link to it. You can check it out yourself if you're that kind of person. I'm moving on.

"grace ribbe." This Grace is the great-granddaughter of a woman named Jean Lindgren, and I'm looking at her obituary. I don't think this is our Grace, but her father's name is Rob. Angie, is your name really Jacquelyn? If not, is it possible that Rob is a polygamist and fathering girls named Grace Ribbe all over the Midwest (this one is from DePere)? Just something to think about.

"katelyn thompson." Stud volleyball player in Arizona. Made the 2006 All-Southern Arizona Team. Honorable mention, but still.

"nicole beckford." A graduate of the College of Mount Saint Vincent, she's now the Director of Human Resources at St. Joseph's Medical Center in Yonkers, New York. If that's what you actually did, I bet you'd make more money than you do teaching high school English.

"becky provencher." So you are clearly my most important friend since yours is the only name that takes me to a web page that is actually about you. I couldn't be more impressed. And your work on behalf of the Chicago Arts Partnership in Education has been outstanding. Bang up job, Beck.

So there you have it. Becky, you're remarkable. The rest of you, you share names with remarkable people. I think you should all be quite proud.

Later gators.

why i suck at fantasy baseball

2008-03-06T08:13:00.004-06:00

My fantasy baseball draft is coming up this weekend, but I won't be there. I won't be there because I will be at Carter Beckford's second birthday party. And that's okay. I mean, I think I'm going to go see all my buddies tomorrow night, so I won't miss out on that part of the weekend. And the actual draft is fun, but my team won't be any better if I'm there. After all, I suck at fantasy baseball. And since I'll probably be mentioning my team along the way, I thought I'd post an article I wrote for our fantasy baseball web site at the end of last year. At that point, I was in dead last, immediately behind Chuck Saponara's girlfriend. Here's my explanation:

It’s a crisp evening in the fall of 2001, and I’m standing in my shower--drunk--considering the possibility that I suck at baseball.

Roughly two hours ago, Noah Wishau, a Shrek-like freshman about whom I remember almost nothing except that he had massive fingers, was doing his best Sandy Koufax impression when I told him that I was going to pitch the last inning of our intrasquad scrimmage. Wishau had held our opposition to a single run in the fourth game of our Fall Ball World Series, but my senior year was going to be the year that I emerged as our closer, and as we were nursing a 2-1 lead, this was my opportunity to prove it. Moments later, after putting two runners on base, I served up a splitter to Luke Hagel that he hit 900 feet into leftfield. I left the field, stopped at Piggly Wiggly to pick up a 6-pack of Leinenkugel’s, then locked myself in my apartment and guzzled down the Leinie’s. The bottom line, I decided as I took a sip from my beer and felt the steam rise up around me, was that I was a bad, bad baseball player.

Six years later, I retroactively forgive myself for serving up the gopherball to Luke because I have come to the conclusion that no matter how bad a real baseball player I was, I am twice as bad at fantasy baseball.

So I got myself a 6-pack of Leinie’s, climbed in the shower, and tried to figure out why I suck at fantasy baseball. There are 3 reasons:

1. I don’t work during the summer. I am currently in 1st place in one of my fantasy football leagues and 2nd place in the other. And this is largely because the first thing I do when I get to work every day is spend half an hour doing research. Because I have nothing better to do. But from June until August, I have better things to do (i.e. lying on the couch, eating pizza for breakfast, etc.). If you do a little checking, you’ll find that I was in the top 4 teams in the league for the first 2 months of this season, but as soon as I stopped spending my day in front of a computer, the bottom fell out.

A subreason here is that I’m lazy. Obviously, I have computer access at home. I just don’t usually feel like checking my team. At one point this summer, Hagel posted something about how he had searched to try to find a computer but ultimately been unable to make a change to his line-up one Saturday morning and therefore lost points because a positional player on his bench had had a good day. (The details of that story may be fuzzy, but that’s the gist.) I thought, Wow. It would never occur to me in a million years to put that much effort into a line-up change. Anyway, I think that guys with regular jobs have a huge fantasy baseball advantage.

2. In fantasy baseball, it’s really hard to dig yourself out of a hole. I read an article this summer about how 6 weeks into the season, it’s almost impossible to make up more than a point or 2 difference in any particular category. I had suspected as much because no matter what I did to my team--and I did legitimately try for a while there--I would end the week in roughly the same place where I began the week. If you were going to make a jump, you would really need to know what you were doing. And the subreason here is that I don’t actually know what I’m doing.

3. Barry Bonds used steroids. Seriously, I couldn't care less about professional baseball. It's just not possible. Now, I played and I currently coach baseball, so I care about the sport. I just don’t care about it at the professional level. It’s possible that it’s because I don’t really enjoy watching it when I don’t have a personal stake in it, but I have an alternative theory, and it has to do with Prison Break. The Fox show Prison Break began in the fall of 2005, and I loved it. Watched every episode, and spent the whole week waiting for the next one. I hadn’t been this excited about a television show since Dawson’s Creek. But then, the American Idol season began, which meant that there was a 3-month gap between the beginning and the end of Prison Break. And when it started again, I was busy with baseball, so I missed a couple episodes. And everyone knows that when you miss a couple episodes in the middle, you sort of lose interest. So now I don’t watch Prison Break anymore.

I think that everything that’s happened in baseball between 1985 and now has had one irreversible negative impact on the sport. It has screwed up the two things that are most important to professional baseball: history and numbers. I used to like baseball because it was the only sport where you could reasonably compare players across generations. (This obviously isn’t the only reason I liked it, but it was a part of it.) And now that’s not true because I don’t know what’s real and what’s not. I’ve heard people say that Bonds would have hit 750+ bombs if he hadn’t touched steroids because he was awesome before that and steroids don’t help you hit a baseball. And I think they’re right. But I’ve also heard people say that he wouldn’t have even broken 600 because his body would have broken down five years ago, and I think they’re right too. The bottom line is that I don’t know. So I kind of have to ignore the last 20 years. It’s like I missed a couple of Prison Break episodes, and even if things get cleaned up (which they might), I’m not going to be able to get back into it. And as long as I'm not into it, I will fail as a fantasy baseball owner.

And if you think that that last paragraph was just an effort to justify the fact that I’m lazy and uninformed and that that’s really why I suck at fantasy baseball, well, you're probably right.

Later gators.

the bucket list

2008-03-05T08:02:00.004-06:00

Did everyone else know what this movie was about when they heard the title? I did not, but Monday night I was out to dinner with Nicole and Brian, and Brian claimed that he knew right away. Whether or not he's lying is immaterial. Evidently, the Morgan Freeman-Jack Nicholson vehicle is based on the premise that most people have certain things that they want to accomplish before they die. At first, I didn't think this was the case--at least not for me. I'd like to be able to take more naps, but that's not really bucket list material. I mean, I'm mostly happy with things the way they are. But then I started thinking about it, and I guess there are some things I would like to do before I "kick the bucket." Here they are:

1. Cross over a railroad track a split second before the train passes while the cops are chasing me so they're stuck on the other side while I run to safety.

2. Soak a gunshot wound in tequila before ripping the bullet out with my teeth.

3. Jump into a cab and yell, "Follow that car!"

4. Dejectedly order a whiskey and tell the bartender to "leave the bottle."

5. Cut the green wire just as the timer hits 00:01.

6. Shoot a bad guy in the back just as he's about to kill my partner so that the bad guy falls to reveal me standing there, gun in hand.

7. Run into an area marked "Restricted Access" in pursuit of a criminal as the security guard wheels around and yells, "Hey, you can't..."

8. Prop a chair up beneath the doorknob of the room I'm in to prevent my pursuer from entering.

9. Wipe my prints off a gun and plant it in a dead guy's hand.

10. Lean out the door of a helicopter as it flies away and wave arrogantly at my pursuer.

11. Pull a fake mustache off a guy at a dinner party.

12. Tell someone that "the jig is up."

13. Get thrown out of a casino.

14. Swerve through traffic while firing a pistol at the car behind me.

15. Fall on a grenade to protect the young cadet with the pregnant wife at home.

16. Climb a rope ladder while holding my knife in my teeth.

17. Use a credit card to unlock a room that I'm not supposed to be in.

18. Open a briefcase to reveal rubberbanded stacks of $100's.

19. Have someone call me a "maverick," a "rogue," or a "cowboy." (And possibly add that I'm "going to get someone killed.")

20. Plot to take down the evil, scheming warden at the maximum-security prison where I am being wrongfully held.

21. Threaten a guy in a gym who's on the benchpress by forcing the bar down into his windpipe and telling him that he's "messing with the wrong guy."

22. Shuffle my chair back to the gas stovetop in order to burn through the ropes that are keeping my hands behind my back.

23. Listen to a vague answering machine message from a loved one that's in trouble, then say "Oh my God!" and run out the door with no explanation.

24. Put a cigarette out on my archenemy's chest.

25. Use my dying breath to tell a friend the name of my murderer.

I hope I'm not copying the movie. Did they use a lot of those? I didn't see it.

Later gators.

by the way, we'll be 50

2008-02-28T09:26:00.007-06:00

So as you probably know, I'm a big fan of games. Sports, boardgames, roadtrip games--any kind of game, really. And I came up with a great one the other night at Noodles & Company with Sara and Charlie. Here's the premise: Imagine Charlie and his friends in 25 years (so basically, when they're our age). What will their favorite movies be? Their favorite songs? Their favorite soups? Now, on this particular night, we used Charlie and his four closest friends in Woodstock: Grace, Hunter, Katelyn, and Siena. For example:

If Charlie, Grace, Hunter, Katelyn, and Siena were going out for dinner, what would they eat?
The answer to this one is pretty obvious. Siena would have something fancy like Safron Risotto with Cerignola Olives. Katelyn would get a house salad with the dressing on the side. Hunter would get Italian Three-Cheese Macaroni. And Charlie and Grace would split a plate of wings. No brainer.

If Charlie, Grace, Hunter, Katelyn, and Siena wanted to rent a movie, what would they want to rent?
Siena would opt for some foreign film with subtitles. Katelyn would go for a romantic comedy--possibly Sleepless in Seattle. Hunter will be a Harry Potter fan, so he'll vote for a Harry Potter marathon. Knowing her background, I'm going with Sideways for Grace. And Charlie will be a Caddyshack guy.

If Charlie, Grace, Hunter, Katelyn, and Siena were going to a concert, what concert would they want to go to?
Siena: Joni Mitchell. Katelyn: I say Justin Timberlake; my wife says Third Day. Hunter: the Chicago Symphony Orchestra. Grace: Bon Jovi. Charlie: Uncle Sam!

What colleges or universities will Charlie, Grace, Hunter, Katelyn, and Siena attend?
Siena and Katelyn will be roommates at Princeton. Hunter will go to U of I (obviously). Grace will bypass college to join the Joffrey Ballet. Charlie will go to ECC, and there's nothing wrong with that.

What will Charlie, Grace, Hunter, Katelyn, and Siena do for a living?
Siena will be the President. Katelyn will be the new host of Divine Design on HGTV. Hunter will direct the Boys and Girls Choir of Harlem. Grace will be a CEO with a Fortune 500 company. And Charlie will teach high school social studies and coach basketball. And I bet he'll be awesome at it.

Later gators.

the dangers of church league volleyball

2008-02-27T07:19:00.006-06:00

On Monday night, I witnessed the third-worst injury that I've seen in person. You see, I play on the First Presbyterian volleyball team in a local church league on Monday nights. Last year, we won the whole league. You might have read about it in the papers. Anyway, this past Monday we played St. Mary's First Congregational Lutheran Bible Church or some crazy thing like that, and we lost the first game then rebounded to win the second. About halfway through the third game, a friendly guy from SMFCLBC dove for a ball and, as he hit the ground, howled in pain. I was in the back row, so I couldn't see what happened, but as the players in our front row began to shield their eyes and turn away, I was able to get a better look, and it turns out that his right shoulder was dislocated. I don't know if you've ever had this injury (or seen someone with it), but imagine that your shoulder dropped down six inches so your arm started in the middle of your rib cage and dangled from silly putty that was connected to your collarbone. That's what it looks like. The guy was pretty tough about it. A teammate put his coat over the guy's shoulders and walked him out to his car so he could drive the guy to the hospital, and the guy just kept saying that he wished someone could just pop it back in. (As you might imagine, no one felt too comfortable doing that.) So that's the third-worst injury I've ever seen in person.

In April of 2005, I witnessed the second-worst injury that I've seen in person. It was my first year coaching the varsity baseball team here at Big Foot, and Anders Ericson was playing right field for me. Anders was a hard-working kid that ran faster than anyone else we had that year. We were at Clinton, and I was standing in front of the dugout on the first-base side when one of the Cougars hit a fly ball into foul territory directly down the fenceline from me. Anders took off after the ball at about a hundred miles per hour. Now, Clinton's field has a warning track, which is a (roughly) 10-foot strip of dirt between the grass playing area and the fence. The warning track is designed to warn players that they are approaching the fence. Had I given that two-sentence explanation to my players before the game, Anders might have kept his teeth. Unfortunately, the warning track didn't slow Anders down a bit and he plowed face-first into the chain-link fence. (If you go to Clinton today, you'll still see an Anders-shaped dent in the fence. Seriously.) Anyway, he fell back and rolled over so that he was on all fours, and I sprinted down the line toward him. When I got there, I saw a pool of blood under his face, and he kept saying, "My teeth! My teeth!" Turns out that three teeth had been knocked out, his tongue and face had several lacerations, he had chipped his jawbone, and he had broken his nose. We found a couple of the teeth (which were a lot longer than you'd think--evidently, they didn't break but came out whole), but they couldn't get them back in, from what I understand. Once we got Anders calmed down, his first question was, "Did I catch it?" He did not. The ambulance came, and Anders met his mom at the hospital. (She was--fortunately, I think--at his sister's game at the time.) We went on to win the game, and Anders got Honorable Mention All-Conference. And that was the second-worst injury I've ever seen in person.

When I was in fifth grade, I saw the worst injury that I've seen in person. Jamie Ditzenberger played basketball for my dad's freshman team that year, and I was the manager. Now, Jamie wasn't tall--maybe 5'9--but he was a skateboarder, so his legs were really muscular. As a result, he could jump. In fact, he would jump up and grab the rim on his way out of practice each night. So one night I was shooting around while I waited for my dad, and Jamie was walking out of the gym. As per his usual routine, he took a couple of steps and jumped. He did not make it to the rim. In fact, he barely left the ground before he fell to the floor, clutching his knee. Someone ran in and got my dad. He pulled down Jamie's pantleg and I saw an image that I still see in nightmares. Apparently, skateboarding builds your quads up pretty well, but it doesn't do as good a job with your hamstrings. So the muscles pulling up on his kneecap were a lot stronger than the ones pulling back. When he jumped, those well-developed quads yanked his kneecap up into what would have been his pocket if he were wearing jeans or khakis. And you could see the lump right there below his hip. Worse--maybe--was the place where his knee was supposed to be, which was now sort of Jello-y. I didn't see how things played out, but I was later told that when the paramedics showed up, the just had to push the kneecap back down into place. There was, I am told, a lot of screaming. And that's the worst injury I've ever seen in person.

Later gators.

the moment of truth is awesome

2008-02-26T07:47:00.005-06:00

Holy crap. Have you watched this show? I am recalibrating my perception of television based on three episodes. Here's the premise: Some schmuck gets hooked up to a lie detector and answers a bunch of questions, which get increasingly personal as the show goes on. If the person answers truthfully, then he or she wins money. One false answer and you're done. It's like Truth or Dare with no dares, super-creative questions, and people you don't know so you don't feel awkward when they have to tell the world whether they would feed a stray dog before they would feed a homeless person, or if they think their parents are proud of them.

Now, those last two came up in last night's episode, which I watched online this morning, and she said yes to the first and no to the second. (Evidently, a lot of people agree with the dog-before-homeless-person answer. I do not, but that's probably because I don't like animals.) But those were lame $25,000 questions or something. The real drama began when they started asking questions about her husband, who, by the way, was there watching. (They always put your parents/spouse/siblings/etc. there on stage to make it even more uncomfortable--and in an interesting twist, those people can push a button if they hear a question that they don't want the answer to and Mark will give the contestant another question.) And incidentally, the husband is a cop. For example:

Have you ever pretended to be asleep to avoid having sex with your husband?
ANSWER: Yes.

Do you blame your husband for you lack of close friends?
ANSWER: Yes. (!)

Have you ever taken off your wedding ring to appear as if you were single?
ANSWER: Yes. (!!)

Do you believe you might have been in love with a former boyfriend on your wedding day?
ANSWER: Yes. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

And the lie detector said that these were all true answers. So THEN (I'm using caps because I don't feel like regular old italics are getting the drama across anymore), her EX-BOYFRIEND comes out to ask some questions:

If I wanted to get back together with you, would you leave your husband?
ANSWER: There was no answer because after her husband said that he didn't want to push the button because he wanted to hear the answer, her sister jumped up and pushed it!

So the ex-boyfriend asks a different question:

Do you believe that I am the man you should be married to?
ANSWER: Yes. (I thought this was a dirty trick, by the way--pretty much just rephrasing the question that the sister had nixed.)

So now the boyfriend leaves and she's at $200,000, so she can go home if she wants, BUT SHE DECIDES TO KEEP GOING! Next question:

Since you have been married, have you ever had sexual relations with someone other than your husband?
ANSWER: Yes. (This does bring up one weak point of the show--you don't get any details. I don't know how you could manage it, but you're sometimes curious why they answer the way they do.)

And then, just when you don't think you can handle anymore:

Do you think you're a good person?
ANSWER: "Honestly, I think I am a good person."

And the lie detector says, "That answer is...false." AND SHE LOSES ALL THE MONEY!!! Not because she's a bad person (which it kind of seems like she is), but because she secretly THINKS she's a bad person!

There is a lot of contrived drama on television, and maybe this is an example of it, but I'll admit that I'm hooked. I mean, I'm only human.

Later gators.

act prep prep

2008-02-21T13:18:00.005-06:00

So yesterday, my colleague Nicole and I went to an ACT Convention in Madison, and guess what. I brought a pen! Here's how it went down:

7:45...I arrive at Nicole's house in Janesville. She's driving because her husband works at a car dealership and I drive a 2000 Toyota Corolla. We don't have directions to the hotel, so I'm concerned, but apparently I'm a caveman--we have OnStar. This is my first experience with OnStar, and it's very exciting. Before the day is over, we will have used it 4 times.

8:30...We pull up to the Sheraton and head inside. Incidentally, it's chilly. This morning, I actually heard a guy on the radio say, "It won't be as cold tonight. You can expect a low of 4." 4! That's what we get excited about here in the Midwest now.

8:35...There's a continental breakfast, but we're not hungry. Nicole stands in line for coffee for 5 minutes while I find us a seat in front of a coffee machine with no line. I should probably have let her in on that.

8:45...Joining us at the table today: Mary Ellen McCormick-Mervis. If you think you should recognize that name, you shouldn't. I just thought it was funny. There's some other lady here too.

8:55...When asked what UW-Madison looks for, an admissions counselor in the crowd says, "High-ability students." You don't say.

9:00...We have some time to kill. I'm reading The Inner Game of Tennis, about which you should definitely be expecting a blog when I finish it. Nicole is reading Alive. So far, this conference is money well spent.

9:30...The guy who's introducing the keynote speaker says, "Paul Weeks certainly doesn't need an introduction to this crowd." I think he does. Anyway, it turns out that he used to work at Ripon--Sara remembers him as being nice. However, he now works for the ACT, which she loathes, so I wonder how she reconciles those two emotions. Anyway, here are some of the interesting things about his address:

1. He refers to the "Wisconsin mafia." Does anyone know what this means?
2. He begins by saying, "It wouldn't be a Paul Weeks presentation if I didn't give Carlos Garces a prize." I'll say.
3. He passes out instant lottery tickets to people who answer questions. Nice.
4. He claims that ACT (the corporation) is "so much more than the test." He never convinces me that this is true.

9:40...Here are four questions to ask yourself if you're wondering whether you're disturbing the people around you: 1) Are you moving the table a lot? 2) Are you making more noise than anyone else around you? 3) Are you taking up more than your fair share of the table? 4) Are a lot of the people sitting near you looking at you a lot? Mary Ellen McCormick-Mervis, you should commit that list to memory.

9:50...The line of the morning comes when Paul is explaining that monitoring without intervention isn't helpful: "Weighin' the hog don't make it fatter." Nice.

9:55...Did you know that all students in Colorado, Illinois, and Michigan have to take the ACT? It's true.

9:56...Speaking of Colorado, we're looking at a map right now, and it's always farther south that I remember. Always.

10:20...Heading into our first break-out session, I see a lot of people on cell phones, and it becomes clear that everyone in the world has a nicer cell phone than I do. I feel like I'm carrying around a Zach Morris model circa 1992.

10:30...Andy, who was supposed to present about designing your own ACT prep course, is mysteriously absent. Over the next hour, we will be told that he is sick, that he has a sickness in the family, and that he's gone for personal reasons. We will also be told that he notified them as late as Tuesday night and as early as Friday. If no one sees Andy by the end of the week, we should make a phone call. Anyway, Patricia is stepping up.

10:45...Okay, so clearly Patricia knows what she's doing. We should just hire her. She talks a lot about the course she organizes through UW-Milwaukee. Some interesting sidenotes:

1. Roughly 75% of her students see improvement. I'm not a violent person, but Charlie would get a beating if I paid $175 for an ACT prep course and he didn't improve.
2. This guy says something about getting out of the course as much as you can, and I thought of a cool line to use at the beginning: "Your job is to get out of this course as much as you can get out of this course. Otherwise, get out of this course." That'd scare the little punks.

11:30...The session is over--it was genuinely helpful, I think--and we're headed out for lunch. We decide on a Mexican place called El Pastor (which means "the pastor"). We both go with the chicken burrito. Nicole gets the medium and I get the large. There is no small, which begs the question, why not call the medium "small"? Doesn't medium mean it's in the middle? It can't be in the middle if there are only two sizes. Anyway, neither one of us finishes what we got. But they were excellent. If you are away from home and don't know the local cuisine, a sit-down Mexican restaurant is your best bet.

This blog entry is getting long, and nothing interesting happened in the afternoon. (Whether anything interesting happened in the morning is up to you to decide.) Anyway, I would say that this was a useful day. We learned some things. Hopefully, so will our students, although that seems less likely. So it goes.

Later gators.

sex, drugs, and qdoba

2008-02-19T07:36:00.007-06:00

If this were a serious blog, I would have brought a pen with me last night.

Last night, you see, my long-lost friend Bryn and I met at her place in Madison and, after a quick dinner at Qdoba, went to see Chuck Klosterman speak at UW. And he was awesome. However, I can't remember hardly any of the reasons why he was awesome. What I do remember is a number of times when I thought, Man, I should totally include that on my blog tomorrow. I mean, this is the sort of event that really lends itself to a blog entry. But I'm having a very difficult time recalling any details. That won't surprise anyone who knows me well--that is, anyone who's had to grab my wallet for me as we walked out of a restaurant, anyone who's decided it would be funny to hide my keys when I left them in the computer lab (I'm looking at you, Beckford), anyone who shares a household income with me and has to constantly remind me to deposit my paycheck. In some ways, I have an excellent memory. In many, many more ways, I do not. I'll do my best, though. Here are 11 things I remember about last night's event:

1. CK is pretty tall. Like maybe 6'2 or 6'3.
2. If you've seen a picture of him, you know he has a floppy haircut. I don't understand guys who do that. He was constantly brushing it away from his face. Isn't that a hassle?
3. He was wearing a Doors (I think) t-shirt; a black, zip-up, hooded sweatshirt; and blue jeans. However, whenever he stepped behind the podium, I imagined that he was wearing red pants. It wasn't a conscious thought. I was just surprised whenever he stepped out and his pants weren't red.
4. His voice is very unique. I've listened to him reading Chuck Klosterman IV on CD, so I knew that, but it bears mentioning. I suppose that nasally is the best word to describe it, but that's a negative description, and his voice isn't really annoying. Actually, it's sort of engaging. But in a nasally way.
5. Sometimes, when I have time to kill in class, I have the kids play a public speaking game where they have to talk about some random topic (Sneakers! Chinese food! Pencil sharpeners!) for a full minute without pausing, umming, ahing, saying like, etc. Chuck Klosterman would be horrible at that game. Further, he starts a lot--a lot--of sentences that he never finishes. For example, I'm pretty sure this is a direct quote:

The record companies realized they could sell six-year-old kids records. Like Britney Spears, and Justin Timberlake...and, like, I mean, right? You know? So anyway...

Again, I'm not criticizing. I could have listened to him all night. But Barack Obama he is not. (More on that later.)
6. He is a very animated speaker. The image that's in my head right now is of him sort of tilting his left shoulder forward and down a little bit, with his hands extended, palms up. It's kind of like he's saying, Ta da!, but in a matter-of-fact kind of way. He would stand that way whenenver he was making a point about something that seemed really ludicrous to him. Like how strange it seemed to him that people always ask what Britney Spears/Val Kilmer/etc. are "really" like, as though his two hours with them would make him privy to that sort of circumspection. He made that point roughly 10 minutes before someone asked him what Britney Spears was really like.
7. Hillary Clinton was also speaking in Madison last night, and he wished that they could have somehow combined their events so they could have a debate. He conceded that she would probably win when it came to topics like government spending and national defense, but if the topic were Wilco B-sides, he was confident that he would "crush her."
8. He thinks that Hillary is probably the more qualified Democratic candidate right now, but he is going to vote for Obama. He's not sure why.
9. His knowledge of music is scary. In fact, it's so broad that I dreaded music questions because I knew I wouldn't be able to follow along. He mentioned so many bands that I had never heard of that I found myself getting excited when he talked about Guns 'n Roses because even though I have almost never actively listened to GNR, I know who they are.
9b. I had a professor in college named William Woolley, and I remember a number of times in class when he would talk about a book, and he would run his finger back and forth through the air as he tried to remember something from it. It was a mystery to me until a senior history major explained to me that he was recreating the pages in his head and going through them until he found what he was trying to remember. That always amazed me. Chuck Klosterman is like that when it comes to the Kurt Cobain suicide. A kid asked if he thought Cobain was murdered (he does not), and it was like CK wrote his masters thesis about it. Very impressive.
10. He has an in-depth knowledge of sports that some people might not be aware of. He did an awesome blog on last year's Final Four.
11. To use what he once called "the least incendiary of all modifiers," he seems genuinely "nice." He also seems genuinely genuine. Some celebrities give you the impression that if you approached them in a bar, they'd give a nod to some guy in the corner and you'd be out on the street in about three seconds. And maybe that's true of Klosterman (although he doesn't seem like he spends much time with guys who would be capable of throwing you out of a bar), but I don't think so. I think he'd buy you a Sierra Nevada and ask what you thought of the Jason Kidd trade. I think so, anyway.

Later gators.

$250 for the head of a pig?

2008-02-15T07:05:00.005-06:00

Once, at a graduation party, I was sitting with my wife, our friend Gail August, and some of the graduating seniors. We were talking about people's favorite subjects in school, and Gail said, "I think with history, you either love it or you hate it. Jenna, how do you like history?" To which Jenna replied, "It's alright," thereby destroying Gail's original thesis. For some reason, this cracked me up.

Anyway, I feel the same way about Valentine's Day. Like, you're either supposed to love it (mostly if you're a girl) or hate it (mostly if you're a guy). But if you asked me, I'd tell you, "It's alright." I don't love it like, say, Christmas or my birthday, but I certainly don't think I hate it. I'm mostly indifferent. And at least I've had some interesting ones. Like my first Valentine's Day with Sara when I borrowed her car and drove it into a telephone pole. (That's hyperbole, but whatever.) Most recently, Valentine's Day resulted in my first visit to Designs by Maida (inexplicably pronounced MAY-dee-uh), a new boutique on the square in Woodstock that sells nice stuff for your house, mostly.

I was in the market for a gift for my lovely wife, and since we just bought property on which to build a new house, I thought I'd get something with which to decorate said house. Seemed timely. So I decide to walk in and do a little browsing. Immediately, this woman (I'm going to call her Maida, even though her name was something like Kate) says, "Welcome to Designs by Maida! Can I help you find something?" Very friendly. And I told her I was just browsing for a Valentine's Day gift, so she backed off for about 15 seconds before reattaching herself to me and asking, once again, if there was something she could help me find. Well, during that 15 seconds, it had become clear that I was out of my league at this place. The first thing I looked at (not because I was going to buy it, but because I was intrigued) was a door knocker in the shape of a pig's head. It cost $250. I was not going to buy anything at Designs by Maida.

But I didn't want to be rude, so I said, "Sure, Maida. Imagine that you and your husband have just bought a new house, and he's looking to spend about $75 on a gift that you can use to help decorate that new house, and he walks into this store. What would you want him to buy?" Now, I feel like I did that well because 1) I think salespeople like it when you ask them stuff like that. Same with servers at restaurants; 2) I'm being friendly, so she might give me a break on something; and 3) I've made my budget clear. So Maida thinks for a minute, then she says, "Candle holders."

Yeah, okay. That could be cool. And it seems like I should be able to get a nice set for $75, so I say, "Okay. Show me your candle holders." She asks if my wife would prefer glass or wood. Definitely wood. We're not fancy people. So she leads me to a shelf with maybe a dozen different kinds of wood candle holders. "And all of our candles are on sale," she tells me. So the first candle holder I look at is the biggest one, which might have been a mistake on my part, but it was nice-looking, so I thought I'd check out the price. $210. Are you kidding me, Maida? For a freakin' candle holder? So I start wondering what the price range is here. I look at the smallest one on the shelf. $108. Did I not make myself clear? First of all, under no circumstances would I buy a damn candle holder for $108. And this is especially true when I told the salesperson that I didn't want to spend more than $75. Did she not hear me? Did she think I was kidding? What the hell?

Anyway, now I'm standing there looking at candle holders that I'm not going to buy, and Maida is staring at me, and I don't know what to do. So I tell her I'm going to keep looking around. I walk around and find lamps that cost $300; blankets that cost $450; a wine rack that cost $1,200. I remember hearing a George Carlin bit where he says that he wanted to open a restaurant where one meal cost $10,000, so they'd only have to have one customer a day to make money. I wonder if Maida didn't hear that same bit and take it seriously. Regardless, I walk around, worrying that I'll knock over a $5,000 teapot or something, until I finally make something up about how I have somewhere to be and I don't want to rush the decision, so I'll be back. I don't know if she bought it, but I don't care. $450 for a freakin' blanket. It didn't even look that warm.

So I got my beautiful bride some wall art from Target, a singing card, flowers, and a big Toblerone bar. And now I'm going to tell her that I love her on my blog.

I love you.

Later gators.

the case of larry legend v. mike

2008-02-14T14:21:00.003-06:00

So, a number of my basketball players (who also happen to be students of Nicole Beckford's) are under the misconception that Michael Jordan was the greatest basketball player of all-time. So they're writing persuasive essays for Nicole's class, and one of them told me he was going to write about why Jordan was better than the great Larry Bird. So I said, Okay, I'll write one too. Here it is.

Many Greek philosophers, among them Leucippus and Democritus, believed that the Earth was flat. Galileo Galilei, the great Tuscan physicist and astronomer, was convinced that the Sun revolved around the Earth. And my third-grade teacher, Mrs. Gregory, once told us that the oceans were blue because they reflected the blue sky. (Evidently, pure water is simply a blue chemical.) There are many misconceptions about the planet Earth. But the biggest misconception on the planet Earth is that Michael Jordan was the greatest basketball player of all-time. I will stipulate that Jordan is the second-greatest basketball player of all-time, but if he wanted the top spot, he should have had better nicknames, he should have been a better college player, and he should not have tainted his legacy late in his career. Then maybe he could compete with the great Larry Bird.

In his career with the Chicago Bulls, Michael Jordan averaged 30.1 points per game; admittedly, Larry Bird’s 24.3 points per game don’t measure up. However, Bird’s game was not defined by scoring. The Boston Celtics of the 1980’s were defined by selflessness, and no player on that team was more selfless than Larry Legend. Bird could have scored more points than Jordan if that had been his goal; after all, his shooting percentages from the free throw line and the three-point line were both better than Jordan’s respective marks. (Their overall field goal percentages were equal.) But Jordan shot 3.5 more times per game than Bird while Bird dished out a full assist per game more than Jordan. (This is to say nothing of the fact that Bird averaged nearly four more rebounds per game.)

In addition to his impressive scoring record, Jordan won six NBA Championships; Bird won three. Before making a judgment, consider the coaches and teammates of Jordan’s who went on to play in one or more championship series without him later in their careers: Phil Jackson, Horace Grant, Jack Haley, Ron Harper, Steve Kerr, Toni Kukoc, Will Perdue, Dennis Rodman, and John Salley. Bird’s list? Danny Ainge. In short, Jordan’s teammates succeeded without him; Bird’s did not. The sheer length of these lists suggests that Jordan was not nearly as critical to his teams’ achievements as Bird was to his.

Finally, what of Jordan’s myriad awards? He was NBA Rookie of the Year (although the same could be said of Bird). He was the MVP five times (to Bird’s three). He was the MVP of the NBA Finals six times (to Bird’s two). Don’t these accolades prove that Jordan was the better player? In a word, no. In the voting for any award, each player is essentially competing against the other players in the league, and the players against whom Jordan competed in his prime were drastically inferior to those against whom Bird competed in his. (It’s a small wonder that Jordan, despite averaging over 30 points per game in the 80’s, didn’t start winning Championships until Bird retired.) Jordan played in an era when high school players were entering the draft in unprecedented numbers, and while these players would eventually become today’s All-Stars (Kevin Garnett, Kobe Bryant, Tracy McGrady, etc.), the 18-year-old versions that Jordan “competed” with were not nearly as talented as the Magic Johnsons, the Isiah Thomases, and the Julius Ervings that Bird dominated during his Hall of Fame career.

As George Herman Ruth, Joe Jackson, and Rod Smart can all attest, a colorful nickname is crucial to an athlete’s legacy. And the Babe, Shoeless Joe, and He Hate Me would likely also agree that Jordan can’t hold a candle to Bird in this category. Bird’s nicknames include Larry Legend, Basketball Jesus, The Hick from French Lick, The Mustard Kid, and Kodak. (Olympic coach Bill Fitch christened Bird with that last one because Bird seemed to create an instant mental image of every play that occurred on the floor.) By contrast, Jordan’s nicknames (according to www.basketball-reference.com) include Air, Mike, MJ, and Superman. After eliminating Superman because it’s unoriginal and no one actually called him that, the list stands at his initials, his first name, and “Air,” about which ESPN’s Page 2 admits, “[Jordan] outplayed his own…nickname.” Basketball Jesus versus Mike? Please.

To compare the college careers of Bird and Jordan would not be worthwhile as Bird’s numbers are significantly better. The Hick from French Lick averaged 30.3 points, 13.3 rebounds, and 4.6 assists per game during his three-year career. (“Mike” averaged 17.7, 5.0, and 1.8 during his three-year stint at North Carolina.) What’s more noteworthy is the remarkable risk that Red Auerbach and the Boston Celtics took on Bird in the 1978 draft. At the time, league rules dictated that a player could be drafted while he was still in college, but could not play in the NBA until he had been out of high school for three years. With future All-Stars like Magic Johnson and Reggie Theus still available, the Celtics used the sixth pick that year on Bird. The following spring, Bird carried his Indiana State Sycamores to a memorable NCAA Championship game against Johnson and Michigan State. Two years later, the Boston Celtics were NBA Champions. Their leading scorer and rebounder that season? Basketball Jesus.

With all of the rhetoric stripped away, this argument is about legacy. Were this a play, Bird would clearly have had the upper hand during the first act (their respective college careers). Some may have given Jordan the edge in the second act (although most of those arguments seem to have been put to bed). The third act, then, is the deciding factor. Bird spent the five years after his retirement as a special assistant in the Celtics’ front office before taking over as head coach of the Indiana Pacers. He led the Pacers to three Eastern Conference Championship games and one NBA Finals series. In 1998, he was named the NBA’s Coach of the Year. He currently serves as the Pacers’ President of Basketball Operations. Jordan’s third act looks like this: early retirement; a short, disappointing minor league baseball career; gambling controversy; an injury-plagued comeback with the Washington Wizards; and a position as Director of Basketball Operations for the Wizards to which he is, by all accounts, only marginally committed. He has also been divorced from the same woman twice, the second time following a messy accusation of infidelity on Jordan’s part. To repeat, this argument is about legacy. In this play, Bird is our hero.

This line of reasoning is in no way a criticism of Michael Jordan. Thousands of players have played in the NBA since it was created in 1946. Jordan was better than the Chamberlains and the Russells; the Thomases and the Johnsons; the Jameses and the Duncans. But even Leucippus would agree that a close examination of their legacies proves that there was one man who stood above even MJ, and that man was The Mustard Kid: Larry Bird.

the endorsement: the endorsement

2008-02-13T07:12:00.005-06:00

So I used to get a number of magazines, but now I get one: Esquire. It's fun to read it and imagine that I'm as cool as they seem to assume I am by virtue of my readership. For example, they had a short article in the most recent issue about watches with a certain kind of strap, and I was looking at the prices and was surprised to find that they were fairly reasonable--mostly around $50. Then I looked closer and realized that it was the straps that cost $50. The watches were in the $3,000 neighborhood. And that happens pretty often when I read this magazine.

But they do occasionally have interesting stuff in there that I can use, and oftentimes it comes in the form of a recurring section called "The Endorsement." Basically, someone from the magazine endorses some music/book/concept/etc. Recent examples include: Tim McGraw, the jockstrap, Spam and egg on toast, RadarGolf, the hug, Mister Mustard, staying indoors, and Crayola crayons.

So as an homage to "The Endorsement," I'm going to put together a list of my own endorsements. Everything on this list comes with my steadfast recommendation. As often as possible, I'll include pertinent web links. Here we go.

1. The Juno soundtrack.
2. Dunkin' Donuts apple fritters.
3. Rachel Ray's carbonara.
4. Ghost Repeater, by Jeffrey Foucault.
5. "The Pineapple Incident" episode of How I Met Your Mother.
6. Boardgames.
7. The Saxton.
8. Indiana University men's basketball warm-ups.
9. Busted Tees. (Specifically, "You have died of dysentery.")
10. My mother's meatloaf.
11. Chipotle.
12. Going out for lunch.
13. Red Stripe.
14. The Diamond and 1 Press.
15. Tootsie's Orchid Lounge on Broadway in Nashville, TN.
16. The word "pejorative."
17. Jewel's Three-Cheese Semolina bread.
18. A Mountain Dew in the morning.
19. The first chapter of Staggerford, by John Hassler.
20. Using scissors to cut up little kids' food.
21. Field trips.
22. Rocky Rococo's.
23. The Food Network.
24. Dr. Drew Pinksy.
25. Cinammon Toast Crunch.
26. People who shave their heads when a friend is going through chemo.
27. Kickball.
28. Chewing gum.
29. Optical illusions.
30. Gambling for the sake of gambling.
31. The Reese's Peanut Butter Pie at the Ft. Myers Alehouse.
32. Beards.
33. String cheese.
34. Mitch Hedberg.
35. Tyson Dinosaur Fun Nuggets with Tastefully Simple Pomegranate Chipotle Sauce.

Feel free to add more by way of comments. And if you're not familiar with this stuff, by all means, check it out.

Later gators.

responses to your responses

2008-02-11T11:28:00.000-06:00

So my list of the Top 10 TV Characters of All-Time has generated some heated debate here on teacher man. I feel it's my responsibility to address all of your concerns:

1. Obviously, I loved Ed as much as the next guy. As indicated in my preface, this was a nearly-impossible list to make. However, I stand firm. And Ed would never be the choice from that show--3rd at best. Phil would easily be #1, and he would be followed closely by Mike. If Frankie hadn't turned out to be such a freakshow, she would have been 3rd. Maybe Shirley. Man, that was a great show.

2. Michael over Dwight? Really? I suppose you're entitled to your opinion, but that's a crazy one. What about Schrute bucks? What about Cousin Mose? What about Jim's pranks? What about the health care plan? What about Dwight Schrute trivia? What about "Okay, see you later Pan"? What about how 911 is his emergency contact? What about how he can raise and lower his cholestorol on command? What about how he volunteers to hold the limbo stick for Captain Jack? And I thought of all of those in like two minutes!

3. The reason Swarley is at 8 is that I'm afraid putting him higher would be reactionary. Like when I made my Top 10 CD and I put "Carry This Picture," by Dashboard Confessional, on there. That was ridiculous--I see that now. But at the time, I loved that song. I almost debated whether B.S. should be on the list at all, but he shouldn't be punished for being awesome now rather than 15 years ago. (Come to think of it, he was awesome 15 years ago--hence Doogie's inclusion on the list.)

4. Again, this was a difficult list, and I really like Sports Night. But I just don't know where any of those characters fit. (If you looked closely, Isaac Jaffe was on the Honorable Mention list--he would be my top choice, I think. Just above Jeremy.) But was he a better character than Barney Stinson? Rose Nylund? Frank Barone? It's debatable, I guess, but as I said before, I stand firm.

5. I totally don't remember the Schrute bucks episode. I even looked it up online, and the whole thing seems foreign to me. Is it possible I missed it? I don't know how. This is unsettling.

Later gators.

top 10 tv characters

2008-02-07T13:00:00.000-06:00

NOTE: Virtually all of the information on this list comes from Wikipedia or IMDB. And I know some people hate Wikipedia, but it's convenient, and it's not like this is my masters thesis.

This might be the toughest Top 10 list so far. I had this idea when I stumbled across Bravo!'s list of the top 100, but I didn't like most of theirs, so I brainstormed some of my own, and before I knew it, I had a list of more than 30 quality candidates. After a full minute of deliberation, I pared the list down to 10. Before that, those who deserve honorable mention: Kevin Arnold, Niles Crane, Isaac Jaffe, Joey Tribbiani, Cliff Huxtable, Norm Peterson, Bull Shannon, Dauber Daubinski, Richard Belding, etc., etc., etc.

Now that that's out of the way, here, with coniderable trepidation, I submit to you the Top 10 TV Characters of All-Time:

10. Rose Nylund (Golden Girls)
SOME ROSE TRIVIA: She was born out of wedlock to a monk and his lover...She was raised in an orphanage and convinced that her father was Bob Hope (until she met her real father late in the series)...She's a native of St. Olaf, MN...She married Charlie Nylund...Charlie and Rose had 5 children...Blanche invited her to live with the rest of the girls after seeing her give a stray cat to a boy at the grocery store...She won St. Olaf's Woman of the Year award in 1988...She had the "highest suicide rate" at the Suicide Prevention Center at which she worked
MEMORABLE ROSE QUOTE: "Like we say in St. Olaf, Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund's Day without the headless boy."

9. Lowell Mather (Wings)
SOME LOWELL TRIVIA: He's the dim-witted handyman at the airport...Divorced his wife Bunny when he found out she was cheating on him...Brian sank his houseboat...He's quite a cook...Ends up leaving Nantucket to enter the Witness Protection Program after witnessing a mob hit...The name Lowell Mather is an allusion to the Lowell House and the Mather House, dorms on the Harvard campus
MEMORABLE LOWELL QUOTE: "I give blood all the time. Just between you and me, Roy, I'll do anything for a sugar cookie."

8. Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
SOME BARNEY TRIVIA: Transformed from a coffee-guzzling hippie into a womanizer after a girlfriend, Shannon, left him for a suited, better-established man shortly before she and Barney were going to work for the Peace Corps in Nigeria...Has a gay, black brother named James (Wayne Brady)...The voice of Barney's mother is Megan Mullally...Works for UltraSew, a manufacturer of military weaponry, petroleum, and the exteriors of tennis balls...Claims to have licked every national landmark in the United States...Nicknamed "Swarley"...Lost the Slap Bet to Marshall (and has currently received 3 of his 5 slaps)
MEMORABLE BARNEY QUOTE: "Think of me like Yoda. But instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome."

7. Alex P. Keaton (Family Ties)
SOME ALEX TRIVIA: Born in Africa (while his parents were with the Peace Corps)...Kept a picture of Richard Nixon above his bed...Attended Leland College, where dated Ellen (portrayed by real-life wife Tracy Pollan) and Lauren (Courteney Cox)...Closet Doors fan (no pun intended)...Eventually became a Republican senator for Ohio, according to the series finale of Spin City
MEMORABLE ALEX QUOTE: "Mallory, someone stupid called...sometime today...about something trivial."

6. Frank Costanza (Seinfeld)
SOME FRANK TRIVIA: Did not appear in the series until "The Handicap Spot" (Season 4)...Fluent in Korean...Enjoys Latin music and TV Guide...Hates mice but loves squirrels...Refuses to remove his shoes in public...Retired religious icon importer...Inventor of Festivus and the "stop short" move
MEMORABLE FRANK QUOTE: "I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna' hear about them!"

5. Jack McFarland (Will and Grace)
SOME JACK TRIVIA: Former Banana Republic salesperson, Barney's salesperson, acting teacher, student nurse, surfer, Jennifer Lopez/Janet Jackson back-up dancer, and OutTV producer...Collects celebirty hair clippings...Claims to have "come out" in pre-school...Formerly-married to Rosario...Father of Elliot (whose mother is played by Rosie O'Donnell)...Inventor of the McFarland Method of Acting ("Acting is attracting!")
MEMORABLE JACK QUOTE: "Well, if you're wanting to make muskrat love with your girlfriend, why are you on the phone with me? (Pause.) Yeah, I thought so. You're my new best friend. Call me every five minutes."

4. Doogie Howser, M.D. (Doogie Howser, M.D.)
SOME DOOGIE TRIVIA: Finished high school in 9 weeks, graduated from Princeton at age 10, became a doctor at 14...Would have, according to Steven Bochco, left medicine to become a writer if the show hadn't been abruptly cancelled by ABC...Personal journal is available for all to read at http://doogiehowsermd.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=1989-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-08%3A00&updated-max=1990-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-08%3A00&max-results=14
MEMORABLE DOOGIE QUOTE (after a patient declares, "You're a kid!"): "True, but I'm also a genius. If you have a problem with that, I can get you someone who's older but not as smart as me."

3. Frank Barone (Everybody Loves Raymond)
SOME FRANK TRIVIA: Served in the Korean War...Married Marie because he "wanted sex"...Keeps score at Allie's t-ball games...Once crashed his car into Ray and Debra's living room
MEMORABLE FRANK QUOTE: "Pretty soon she'll get a mood that lasts maybe five days. Then it's a week. Then, what was once a bad mood takes over and becomes her only mood. And then, you become like me, where not a day goes by that I don't wish that there was a comet screaming towards Earth to bring me sweet relief!"

2. Dwight K. Schrute (The Office)
SOME DWIGHT TRIVIA: Assistant Regional Manager (and top salesman) of the Scranton branch of the Dunder-Miffling Paper Company...Loves Count Chocula cereal, muscle cars, his Casio calculator-watch, Birkenstocks, bobblehead dolls, laser tag, paintball, traditional corn husk dolls, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, 24, Alias, Smallville, The Apprentice, Heroes, and Lost...Claims to have a perfect immune system...Can play the guitar and the recorder...Owns a beet farm with his cousin Mose...Can be reached at the following phone number: 1-800-984-367. Seriously, call it.
MEMORABLE DWIGHT QUOTE: "Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones."

1. Homer Simpson (The Simpsons)
SOME HOMER TRIVIA: Has an IQ of 55...Hates Mr. Burns, work, and Ned Flanders...Has an 8-track player in his car...Email address is ChunkyLover53@aol.com...Has a tabloid web page at http://www.mrxswebpage.com/ (again, you can check it out)...#35 on TV Guide's list of the 50 Greatest TV Dads of All-Time...#2 on TV Guide's list of the 50 Greatest Cartoon Characters of All-Time
MEMORABLE HOMER QUOTE: "Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him."

So there you go. And look at all of the crazy connections:

- Lowell witnessed a mob hit; Rose almost married a man who ended up being in the mob.
- Rose thought her father was Bob Hope; Barney thought his father was Bob Barker.
- Barney always suits up; Alex had a propensity for dressing up.
- Barney was going to go to Nigeria with the Peace Corps; Alex was born in Africa while his parents were serving in the Peace Corps.
- Jack has hair clippings from all four Golden Girls, including Rose.
- Neil Patrick Harris plays Barney and Doogie.
- Rose was St. Olaf's Woman of the Year; Frank B. was Man of the Year at the lodge.
- There are two fathers on the list named Frank.

Fascinating stuff. Later gators.

mt. rushmore

2008-02-05T08:10:00.001-06:00

This is a great roadtrip game that I'm going to turn into a mediocre blog entry. Here's the idea: Mt. Rushmore has, theoretically, our 4 greatest Presidents' faces carved into the side of a big mountain. If you were to make a Mt. Rushmore of the 4 greatest (fill-in-the-blank), who would you choose? Here are some examples with my answers:

BASEBALL
Hank Aaron
Willie Mays
Babe Ruth
Ted Williams
NEXT IN LINE: Albert Pujols

BASKETBALL
Larry Bird
Wilt Chamberlain
Michael Jordan
Bill Russell
NEXT IN LINE: Lebron James

FOOTBALL
Jim Brown
Joe Montana
Jerry Rice
Barry Sanders
NEXT IN LINE: Tom Brady

COACHES
Red Auerbach
Vince Lombardi
Bill Walsh
John Wooden
NEXT IN LINE: Mike Krzyzewski

ACTORS
Robert DeNiro
Al Pacino
Kevin Spacey
Jimmy Stewart
NEXT IN LINE: Leonardo DiCaprio

20th-CENTURY AMERICAN WRITERS
F. Scott Fitzgerald
Joseph Heller
J.D. Salinger
John Steinbeck
NEXT IN LINE: Richard Russo

SINGERS
Johnny Cash
Bob Dylan
Paul Simon
James Taylor
NEXT IN LINE: Sam Baker

I suppose I'll listen to some discussion on these since I had a hard time with some of them. And I would love to hear other ideas for categories--we take lots of road trips.

Later gators.

this is the street i live on

2008-02-04T09:55:00.000-06:00

PREFACE: After looking back over this, it's really long. Holy cats. And I have to thank Nicole Beckford for typing up our Conceptual Unit so that I had time to write it. You're the best.

As you know if you read the last installment of 20 Questions, I stayed home with Charlie on Wednesday because it was ungodly cold outside. Among the activities we pursued was our trillionth viewing of Sesame Street Presents: The Street We Live On. Because I know the show forward and backward, and because I was bored, I decided to keep a running diary. Enjoy.

0:01...We begin not with the theme song, but with Grover in a postal worker's uniform. He evidently has an important job to do: he must deliver a package to Oscar's trashcan. He seems nervous, even though Oscar's trashcan is about twenty feet away. (Is that right, by the way? How big do you think the Sesame Street set is? Am I the only one wondering that?)

0:37...Good to see that Maria and Luis are still around. My wife was recently traumatized when she learned that they are not married in real life and that the wedding that was staged for the show back when we watched it was a sham.

1:01...Bob's still here too, but from the looks of it, maybe not for long.

1:16...Speaking of impending death, remember when Mr. Hooper died? And when Maria told Big Bird that he was dead and Big Bird said he'd just see him "when he came back"? I just looked it up and I was 3 when that happened. Wow.

1:28...Remember the guy who was on Punk'd at that pool party and the girl's dad showed up and flipped out on him? I think that guy's on Sesame Street now.

2:39...GROVER: "You certainly can make that guitar weep, Rosita." Who are jokes like that for? Are a lot of kindergarteners picking up the Beatles allusion?

3:09...It's time for Elmo's World. Elmo reminds me of all the creepy girls I went to high school with (and now teach) that are obsessed with Sesame Street/SpongeBob/etc. characters well after they should have lost interest.

6:11...Well, it's official. My wife and I have a long-standing argument over Mr. Noodle. He's just made his first appearance, and it's a different guy than the other Sesame Street video we have. I thought the other guy was the real one and this was a fake, but Muppet Central News tells us that my guy--Michael Jeter--is known as "The Other Mr. Noodle." Also, he's dead. You might remember him from Evening Shade or The Green Mile. A moment of silence, please.

14:16..."Jackson!" yells Charlie. It must be time for traction with Action Jackson, a young man who rides around singing in his wheelchair. "I have a chair," he sings. "It takes me most anywhere." Because of this scene, Charlie pointed at John Couget at the basketball game the other day and yelled, "Chair! Chair!" I suppose that's okay, right?

16:00...So apparently Elmo has email now. It's a video message from Big Bird and Snuffy teaching him how to do the Snuffleupagus. "You put your right foot out, and then you take it back. You put your right foot out, and then you take it back. You put your right foot out, and then you leave it there. You're doing the Snuffleupagus." Not much of a dance, really. Also, a question: What is Big Bird? Is he electronic? A muppet? Guy in a bird suit? Because I see strings, but he couldn't do all that stuff with just strings, right? Same with Bert and Ernie. Ernie clearly grasps objects--how do you do that with a muppet? Am I the only one wondering that?

18:40...Elmo would like us to count the monsters in the monster parade. There are 10. I think we've got a Number of the Day sighting.

20:26...Yup. The Number of the Day is 10. And now we're counting things that there are 10 of: toes, bells, bowling pins. And a kid that Sara thinks is the black version of a kid we have in Sunday School has us count wind-up toys.

21:40...Hey, Ernie's here! Big Bird is chasing him--we're playing Journey to Ernie.

22:24...Big Bird doesn't think we're on Sesame Street anymore, and Humpty Dumpty confirms that we're not. (Why is Humpty Dumpty always an egg, by the way? It never states that in the actual nursery rhyme. Am I the only one wondering that?)

22:40...The three little kittens who lost their mittens. What's the rest of that nursery rhyme? In my head, it always turns into "leave them alone and they'll come home..." but that's Little Bo Peep. Anyway, we're in some kind of nursery rhyme land.

23:40...This is frustrating. Big Bird has stumbled upon the little old lady who lives in a shoe, but here are the problems:

1. She says she has 8 kids. Why not 10? That's the Number of the Day, after all.
2. Big Bird says to count them and if there are more than 8, one of them could be Ernie. So we count and there are 9, so we figure that maybe Ernie is disguised as one of the kids. Nope. The lady just didn't know how many kids she had.
3. Big Bird suggests they play baseball, and one of the kids annoyingly screeches, "I wanna' play shortstop! I wanna' play shortstop!" I hate that.

25:54...Big Bird runs into the actual Little Bo Peep, and guess what. Ernie's dressed as one of her sheep. Perhaps they knew that their viewers would confuse the three little kittens and Little Bo Peep, and it was an attempt at foreshadowing.

27:30...Question: How old are Bert and Ernie? Ernie plays with a rubber duck and stuff, so he's probably pretty young, but they live on their own. And they sleep in the same room, separate beds. Probably confusing for kids.

28:20...Ernie's dancing himself to sleep. Classic Sesame Street moment.

29:15...A lot of star power in this little montage. Here's a list of the people who are dancing to "I Dance Myself To Sleep": Martina McBride, Venus Williams, Doris Roberts, Gloria Estefan, some violin player, someone who may or may not be Danica Patrick, the guy from Law & Order, Julianne Moore, Julianne Moore's daughter, a woman dressed as a fairy who looks vaguely familiar, Seth Green (!), a guy from The Sopranos, the women from The West Wing (who are inexplicably dancing in a doctor's office), Larry King, and Dr. Phil. Nice.

32:33...We're playing Who Lives On Sesame Street?, which only bears mentioning because my sister-in-law's favorite part of the show is when they say, "Does George Washington live on Sesame Street? No!"

36:00...Elmo wants to watch the Grover, Maria, Big Bird, and All of Elmo's Friends Channel. DISCUSSION QUESTION: What do you do in your private life that you would stop doing if you knew that there was a possibility that it would be broadcast to all of your friends?

36:32...Sesame Street Fun Fact: Big Bird is 8'2".

41:12...Grover takes Elmo on a cab ride through time so they can see some of the events that shaped Sesame Street: Luis and Maria's wedding, Maria giving birth to Gabby, Gordon and Susan adopting Miles, etc. When all is said and done, Elmo is feeling nostalgic, so he gathers all of his friends to deliver a special message: He loves Sesame Street and his friends very much.

45:41...Time to sing "This Is The Street I Live On." Are we worried about the effect that Elmo and Cookie Monster are having on the grammar of our young people? Elmo always talks in 3rd-person. Cookie says things like, "This is where me eat me cookies." This is a critical stage for language development, and we have millions of kids listening to this. Am I the only one that's concerned here?

48:23...Dorothy (Elmo's goldfish) would like to tell us that today's episode was brought to us by the number 10 and the letter C. I can understand 10, but I'm not so sure about C. They sang "C Is For Cookie," but that was about it. I think C could have been better represented.

That's all, boys and girls. It's a fine program, but it almost raises more questions than it answers. Tune in next week for an in-depth look at The Life and Times of Jimmy Neutron.

Until then, later gators.

charlie's top 10

2008-02-01T08:36:00.000-06:00

Hi, everyone. It's Charlie. My dad let me be the guest blogger today. I know he's fond of making Top 10 lists, so I thought I'd take a shot at it. Since my experience is pretty limited--what the hell is SNL?--my topic is pretty broad: Charlie's Top 10 Favorite Things. Without further ado:

10. Bonk Jammies. For those of you who are unfamiliar, "bonk jammies" is what I say when I'm wearing my jammies--usually--and I fall down. Now, obviously, I don't like to actually bonk my jammies. However, when I say this, either Mom gives me three kisses or Dad does this funny thing with his lips, and I like those things. So it's a means to an end.

9. Almost! Dad and I play catch a lot, and while I'm quite a thrower, I'm not much of a catcher yet, so whenever the ball goes through my hands--which it does quite a lot--Dad says, "Almost!" And I like that. In fact, sometimes I say it even when I catch it. Dad thinks it's because I don't really know what it means, but the truth is, I just think it's a cool word. Almost! Hilarious.

8. Bubbles. Yes, there was a period there where I wasn't a big fan of baths. I don't know. You get all wet. It's cold when you get out. Not my cup of tea. But as of late, I'm really into them. I could sit in the tub all day. Just give me a cup, the Mr. Bubbles bottle, and a couple of those Crayola things that make the water all different colors, and I'm set.

7. Mana Milk. Who doesn't like milk? Seriously? Not sure why I throw the "mana" on the front end whenever I ask for it, but whatever. I still love me some milk.

6. Cracker Cheese. The origins of this one should be pretty clear. I like crackers and cheese, so I'd ask for it a lot. But last week, Mom and Dad and Aunt Stacy took me to this pizza place with a huge mouse and a bunch of games, and it turns out that the mouse's name is Cracker Cheese! Can you believe that? I thought it was so awesome that I pointed at him and yelled, "Cracker Cheese!" all night. Hold on a second. What's that, Dad? Chuck E. Cheese? You're pulling my leg. What kind of a name is that? Hmmm. I'll get back to you on this one.

5. Burger Fries. Have you ever been to McDonald's? You have to go! It's awesome. They have these cheeseburger things that look pretty nasty, but they taste awesome. And they have the best fries. Whenever we pass by one I start screaming, "Burger fries! Burger fries!" Mom doesn't always let me go, but Dad's pretty good about getting the message. But he should probably call it "McChicken Double-Cheeseburger Fries!" Just kidding, Dad.

4. Uncle Sam. God bless America. Kidding! I have an actual uncle named Sam, and man, he's terrific. He's pretty much the answer to any question Mom and Dad ask me. Who are you going to see at school today? Uncle Sam. Who's on the TV? Uncle Sam. Can you say, "I love you, Daddy"? I love you, Uncle Sam. I don't know why I do it. I just get bored answering the same questions all the time.

3. Bert, Ernie, Cookie, Elmo. Never mentioned individually--always as a group. Actually, I knew the characters before I even realized it was a show. Now I have videos and everything. If you aren't familiar with Sesame Street, I'd suggest that you check it out. You'd like it.

2. Bob, Larry, Nezzer, Junior, Show, Bat, Peas, Jimmy, Jerry. Naturally, the boys from VeggieTales were going to make an appearance on the list. (Incidentally, Show is Archibald Asparagus because he says "show" a lot in one episode, and Bat is the carrot that plays McPotipher because he looks like a carrot-shaped baseball bat that my buddy Carter has.) Nothing gets me dancing like the VeggieTales theme song. I've probably got a dozen of these videos, and again, I could watch them all day. And sometimes I leave the room and Mom and Dad just sit there, still watching them. A little childish, I think, but whatever.

1. Mommy and Daddy. Had to give a shout out to Mom and Pops. And I'm not just blowing smoke. Boy, you should see me cling to Mom for dear life when she says it's time to go "night night." And sometimes, if I feel like seeing Dad, but he's asleep, I'll just start screaming, "Daddy! Daddy!" at 2 or 3 in the morning. And he always comes, eventually. Sometimes, if I didn't know any better, I'd think he was annoyed with me. But I do know better. He's my dad.

So there you go. That's what's taking up Charlie Baker's time so far in 2008. Hope you enjoyed my blog. I'm hoping that Dad will let me take over again sometime soon--I've got some thoughts on the primary elections. Until then, later gators!

20 questions (part 4)

2008-01-30T15:12:00.001-06:00

Don't make us wait!
Okay.

16. Do you feel guilty that school was canceled today and you got to stay home with Charlie while your wife had to go to work?
Absolutely not. Maybe if my wife worked on Fridays, or in Wisconsin where we don't take a day off every other week to celebrate stuff like Chester A. Arthur's birthday. But probably not even then because she is so fond of mocking me on days when I have school and she doesn't. It's called karma, dear. Now I have to finish this up so I can go take a nap.

17. So what did you do with your day off?
First, I lay on the couch for about an hour watching SportsCenter while Charlie played because it was cold and I didn't want to get out from under my blanket. Then I finally got myself (and Charlie) dressed, and we had breakfast. Special K for me, bananas and a bar for him. Then we watched Sesame Street--a great blog about that forthcoming--before getting bundled up to go out to Menard's. We picked up some light bulbs and yogurt-covered pretzels (which Charlie inexplicably called "eggs" all morning), then stopped by McDonald's for lunch. After we got home and Charlie played while I changed the lightbulbs downstairs, he got a snack of corn dogs and crackers before taking a nap. Now I intend to do the same (minus the corn dogs). Outstanding morning.

18. Tell us something interesting you learned in college.
There's one story that always sticks out to me more than anything else:

In the 1950's, Borneo was having some trouble with mosquitoes spreading malaria, so the World Health Organization decided to help by flying in lots of DDT with which to spray the crops. And it worked, but now there were a bunch of dead insects full of DDT, and these gecko lizards were eating them, so the lizards were dying too. And then the cats would eat the lizards (!), so the cats would die. And without any cats, the rat population sky-rocketed, so the sylvatic plague and typhus were spread all over Borneo. So do you know how the World Health Organization helped to fix this problem? They parachuted cats into Borneo. 14,000 of them! And I know this probably isn't the way it actually happened, but I always imagine a bunch of cats in individual parachutes floating down, then landing and scampering off to eat a rat.

Isn't that a great story? It's so great, in fact, that they made a children's book out of it. You can find a PowerPoint of the out-of-print book here. Anyway, I learned that from Skip Wittler in Environmental Studies. And I'm sure that all of my English professors are thrilled that the only thing I remember from college is something I learned in a science class.

19. What's the strangest headline you've run across on the Internet today?
Clay Aiken knows he's "not cool," but still a panties magnet.

20. Now that you're obsessed with the CMT's 20 Questions web site (which you came across by Googling "20 questions" in an effort to come up with material for this blog), have you come across any more factoids as interesting as Taylor Swift's Deff Leppard obsession?
Indeed. For example:

Bucky Covington loves Eminem.
Kellie Pickler thinks she's "very intelligent."
There was, at one point, a rumor that Barbara Mandrell, Dolly Parton, and another similar artist were going to star in a show that was "much like The Golden Girls." (Unfortunately, Barbara doesn't know anything about it.)
Trace Adkins describes his wife as "ultra-cool" about all the beautiful women in his videos.
Garrison Keillor thinks that "the younger generation is forgetting what a tomato tastes like."
Ron White thinks that all comedies on mainstream TV right now "suck" except South Park and The Family Guy.
If Carrie Underwood had to choose between animals and men, she would choose animals.

For more stunning revelations on the country music scene, check out CMT.com.

That was fun. Maybe we'll do it again sometime.

Until then, later gators.

aside

2008-01-29T18:44:00.000-06:00

This is a break from 20 Questions, but Kelly's comment about finding Harper Lee's unfinished manuscripts reminded me of something that Jeff Brower--the one who inspired me to be an English teacher--said the other day. He said, and I'm quoting, "The Chosen is way better than To Kill A Mockingbird." How can one of the smartest people in the world think that? I mean, The Chosen? That seems ludicrous to me. But he's also the one that loves A Separate Peace and Lord of the Flies but hates The Great Gatsby. So what do I know?

Back to 20Q tomorrow, gators.

20 questions (part 3)

2008-01-29T07:42:00.000-06:00

First, some comments on your comments: 1) Tony Lucca is indeed terrific. And he's buddy-buddy with Sara and Stacy's friend Aletha (sort of). And he went out with Felicity; 2) Friday Night Lights is indeed terrific. Better than the movie, and that almost never happens; and 3) Unless it's my wedding, Joe singing is never a highlight of anything.

On to #11-15.

11. Did you always want to teach high school English?
Nope. At some point in my life, I aspired to be each of the following (in no particular order): lawyer, rodeo cowboy, sports reporter, baseball player, novelist, guy who changes the scores on the scoreboard at Fenway Park, minister, elementary school teacher, principal, researcher at a sports network like ESPN, policeman, Taco Bell employee, doctor.

It was during my senior year of high school, when I had Jeff Brower for AP English, that I decided I wanted to teach high school English. Because I love sports, I decided to also be involved in coaching. And here I am.

12. So is this your perfect job?
Well, no. I mean, it's awesome. And at this point, it's probably my perfect realistic job (although I'd like to be in Woodstock at some point). But in a perfect world, I'd be a college basketball coach and a writer. I could stay home and write in the mornings, then do basketball preparation, etc. in the afternoons and evenings. That would be my perfect job.

13. Did you know that if Taylor Swift was driving across country and could only have one CD in her car, she would pick Pyromania, by Def Leppard?
I did know that. And I find it fascinating.

14. If you could play poker with any four living people, whom would you choose?
The honest answer probably involves my family, but I know that's not the point of the question, so I'll go with Bill Simmons, Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, and Samuel L. Jackson. That's kind of random, but I'd bet it'd be fun.

15. Why did you use "whom" in the previous question?
Because "whom" is objective (it serves as an object), and "who" is subjective (it serves as a subject). So in that sentence--whom would you choose?--the subject is "you" and the verb is "choose"--"whom" is the direct OBJECT. Therefore, objective case. If the question had been, Who would choose you?, then the object would have been "you" and "who" would have been the SUBJECT. Therefore, subjective case.

Later gators.

20 questions (part 2)

2008-01-28T07:57:00.001-06:00

Time for Part 2 in a 4-part series called "20 Questions." Now, I had planned to cover topics like sandwiches, dental hygiene, and the broom that I bought yesterday, but Jessi has made me feel self-conscious about covering those kinds of topics, so I'll have to scrape up something else. Here goes:

6. Go to any good parties lately?
As a matter of fact, yes. Saturday was Charlie's 2nd birthday, so we had a big bash. A brief run-down:

THEME: VeggieTales, of course. Including napkins, posters, balloons, and sidewalk chalk.
ATTENDEES: In the morning, it was just the fam. After Charlie's nap, all his friends came. And remember, we're still living in 1,100 square feet of house, so it was a tight squeeze. But if you don't enjoy spending an afternoon in a confined space with a dozen 2 and 3-year-olds, that seems like your problem, not mine.
FOOD: Napoli's pizza. The only pizza in the tri-state area that can compete with Pino's. Quite a treat.
HIGHLIGHT: On Charlie's behalf, I'll go with the presents. (This was probably more of a highlight for me since I ended up opening everything--with Grace's help--while Charlie played with a balloon.) Just a terrific showing by everyone. An excellent range of gifts, each one just as thoughtful as the next. Charlie has outstanding friends.
LOWLIGHT: The Badgers lost. And Joe sang into Charlie's PlaySkool phone. Kind of brought everyone down.

So there you go. And I'm still kind of tired.

7. Now that you've had some time to reflect on your Top 50 Movies of All-Time, are there any that you wish you'd included but didn't?
Yep. Two, actually. Good Will Hunting and Scent of a Woman should both have made the cut. And that would push out Dog Day Afternoon and The Negotiator, which is fine because I like both of the former better than both of the latter. But I've also seen some movies--I think Juno is one--since then that should make the list too. Maybe I'll do a revised list sometime.

8. What are you reading right now?
That's a tricky question because I'm always in the process of reading about a dozen books. If I had to pick one that I would say I'm "reading right now," it would be Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, by Jonathan Safron Foer. It's written from the perspective of a nine-year-old kid named Oskar whose father died in the 9/11 attacks. He finds a key in his dad's bedroom and goes through the 5 boroughs trying to figure out what it's a key to. I'm about 2/3 of the way through it, and it's solid. You'd like it.

9. What are you listening to right now?
I just bought the Juno soundtrack, and it's really good. But that's kind of a boring answer, so I just looked through the collection on my computer, and if I were going to make you a CD at this very moment, here's what I'd put on it:

"Brown Eyes," by Andy Davis
"All I Want Is You," by Barry Louis Polisar
"Good Morning Son," by Ben Folds
"Buckets of Rain," by Bob Dylan
"Nothing Fancy," by Dave Barnes
"All Will Be Well," by Gabe Dixon
"Big," by Gentry Morris
"Ghost Repeater," by Jeffrey Foucault
"Loose Lips," by Kimya Dawson
"Don't Touch My Hat," by Lyle Lovett
"Wild Rose," by Sam Baker
"Death of Me," by Tony Lucca
"Galuppi Baldassare," by Kris Delmhorst
"New Slang," by The Shins
"Sunday Morning Coming Down," by Johnny Cash

10. What's your favorite brand of frozen pizza?
Jack's Original. And once again, I won't listen to discussion on this.

20 questions (part 1)

2008-01-25T13:47:00.000-06:00

Today marks the beginning of a 4-part series on teacher man called 20 questions, in which I make up 20 questions and answer them. I'll give you a moment to gather yourself on the edge of your chair. Good? Good. Here we go.

1. How many movies have made you cry?
Interesting question. The answer is two. The first, I am not at all ashamed of. Field of Dreams. I've seen it a million times, but when Kevin Costner's character asks his dad if he wants to "have a catch" at the end...well, let's just say it tends to get a little dusty in the old Baker house. The second movie that made me cry I am somewhat ashamed of, but in the interest of honesty, I will reveal that it was...(drumroll)...Jersey Girl. And I know it had Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez (and George Carlin!), but it's about a guy whose wife dies while she's giving birth to their son, and that's sad--I don't care who you are. Anyway, it was like a minute, and my wife still brings it up whenever that stupid movie is on TBS. Whatever.

2. Have you ever had a cup of coffee in your entire life?
Nope.

3. What's the strangest thing you've ever eaten?
I've eaten some strange stuff--elk meatloaf, a chocolate-covered cicada, an entire lemon slice (including the peel). But at gunpoint, I'd have to go with a squirrel potpie. My grandpa used to make it. Or at least he did once. And I had some.

4. Who is the greatest basketball player of all-time?
Larry Bird. I won't listen to that Michael Jordan nonsense. Jordan was a better defender, and he was better at dribble penetration. Bird was a better rebounder, a better passer, a better shooter, and he did what he did against significantly better competition that Jordan did. Significantly. If I'm starting a team today, and I get any player in history in his prime, I take Bird every day of the week. End of discussion.

5. Have you ever been in a play?
I have, actually. I played Guard in the Ripon College production of Bakkhai. I had the shortest speech in the play, but at least one audience member told me that she thought it was the best one. (Hey, Mom!) Anyway, I was the one that stood up to Pentheus and told him that Dionysos wasn't all that bad a guy. Took tremendous courage. And I am nothing if not tremendously courageous.

That's it for today. Catch #6-10 on Monday.

Later gators.

al baker (the first one)

2008-01-23T11:33:00.001-06:00

Here are 15 reasons why you'd have liked my Grandpa Baker:

1. He wore one of those old grandpa hats. Kind of like this.

2. He used to yell at the Packers on the TV all the time. Like when he was 85 years old, he was telling Mike McKenzie what a bum he was.

3. He lived to be 91.

4. He was married to Ginny Baker for over 60 years.

5. He used to call us Peanut and/or Pickle.

6. He had a sweet ping-pong table in the basement.

7. One winter day, we were driving by a farm and there were cows out, and he said, "Farmer must be making milkshakes."

8. He and Grandma always used to take us to the Madison zoo and get us those little wax animals.

9. His middle name was Obert.

10. He played Old Maid with us all the time.

11. One time I broke the window to the garage, and my dad made me tell Grandpa myself. After I told him what I'd done, I was convinced that he hadn't heard me because there was literally no reaction. He just got up and said, "Let's go take a look." Then he saw the window and said, "Well, windows break." And he replaced it right there.

12. He used to fill a coffee can with water and let us "paint" on the basement walls with it.

13. He was legitimately handy. Could make chairs and stuff.

14. When he found out that he had to have stomach surgery, his biggest concern was that he now had to eat several small meals a day, and my grandma was used to making three squares a day. He said, "I don't think Ginny's going to like that."

15. He was a member of the Freemasons, which is a sort of secret society, and secret societies are cool.

And so was my grandpa.

Later gators.

students say the darndest things (part 2)

2008-01-22T12:55:00.001-06:00

Since my last Students Say the Darndest Thing entry was so successful, and since my students continue to say crazy, silly, ridiculous things, I thought I'd do another. As always, the names have been changed, but these are all direct quotations:

JOHN CARTER (Great Gatsby analysis): "Is appearance all that meats the eye?"
Great imagery here, actually. Unintentional, but still.

PAUL HARPER (Literary Analysis): "The new couple's life is meretricious and expensive, twenty-two dollars to be exact."
1. Meretricious is one of our vocab words, so he was clearly excited to put it into a paper, proper usage be damned. 2. There is a hat in the story that cost $22. How he decided that that was the cost of their new life is unclear.

RANDY STAUB (Literary Analysis): "If he doesn't deliver a good performance, he may become self-confident and never pursue music again."
Agreed. Self-confidence has ruined many a promising musical career.

PARKER EVANS (Literary Analysis): "You could start out digging yourself a little rabbit hole and end up in the grand cannon."
He's talking about lying, obviously. What's less obvious is why you would end up in a big, outdated artillery gun.

TRAVIS KARSTEN (Persuasive Essay): "Get Rich or Try Dying."
I believe this was the less successful sequel to the movie Get Rich or Die Trying. This one ends with a bunch of poor dead people. It's sadder.

And to conclude, an unprecedented three entries from the same student. We'll call him Mark Smith:

1. "Stephen King's use of tone in this short story is fanaminal."
2. "Abraham Lincoln was miss understood big time by whites."
3. "Albert Inestine was another person who was largely misunderstood."

Fanaminal? Miss Understood? Inestine? I don't even know what to say about this. But it doesn't matter because I've got to get back to grading papers and finding more of these gems.

Later gators.

top 10 celebrity encounters

2008-01-17T08:03:00.000-06:00

Isn't it weird when you see someone famous in real life? I mean, I don't exactly get all giddy like some weird Zac Efron groupie (i.e. Joe), but it's still a surreal experience. I've had a few of these experiences in my life, and I've broken down the top 10 into this list. I based ranking on two factors: 1) level of celebrity, and 2) quality of encounter. So for example, seeing the President at the airport would receive a 10 in Category 1 (he's intensely famous), but maybe a 2 in Category 2 (it's not like we're buddies now). Having a beer with the guy who played Dauber on Coach would be a 9 or so in Category 2 (that's definitely a quality encounter), but roughly a 4 in Category 1 (because I'm still calling him "the guy who played Dauber in Coach"). So that means that the beer with Dauber ranks higher than seeing the President. And that sounds about right.

So all of that having been said, here are my Top 10 Celebrity Encounters of All-Time:

10. Leaping Lanny Poffo (3). My aunt went to high school with this guy, and you have no idea who he is, so he clearly ranks at the bottom for both criteria. He was a professional wrestler who used to read poems that he had written whenever he pinned a guy. Check out his web site. Here, you'll find that his father set the world record for sit-ups with 6,033 in 4 hours and 10 minutes; his brother is Randy "Macho Man" Savage; his greatest thrill was meeting Shel Silverstein; and he is now a certified credit counselor. So there you go.

9. Tommy Lasorda (9). Hall of Fame coach and Slim-Fast spokesperson. Clearly, a top-notch Category 1 encounter. However, I just got his autograph at a coaches' convention when I was 10 (or so). He was talking to some guy, and I didn't want to interrupt, so I stood there, about 10 feet from them, for like 10 minutes. They kept looking over at me, wondering if I was going to stab them or something probably, until finally he asked if he could help me. So I gave him his baseball card, he pulled out a Sharpie and signed it, and now I'm telling the story 17 years later. Actually, that's kind of depressing. Moving on.

8. Herb Kohl (10). My dad was recognized as an excellent teacher by the Kohl Teacher Fellowship program. We went to a luncheon and got a picture taken. He said that Joe, Sam, and I should be playing for the Bucks because we're tall. But we're not that tall, so I think he's kind of losing his mind.

7. Mike Wilbon (13). This is the guy from Pardon the Interruption. I went to Indianapolis to visit my buddy Paul and watch the Final Four a couple years ago, and we saw him at a restaurant. He came over to the table and said hi. Cool guy.

6. Bruce Weber (14). Head coach of the Illinois basketball team. Saw him on the same Indianapolis trip (and in the same restaurant). This encounter eclipses the Wilbon encounter because Weber saw my Brewers hat and said, "Go Brewers!" And he gave me a thumbs-up. If Charlie ends up being a great basketball player, I'm definitely sending him to Illinois.

4 (tie). Dick Bennett (15). Former head coach of the Wisconsin Badgers. But my encounter with him took place when he was the head coach at UW-Green Bay and I went to one of his basketball camps. They had knocked off California in the NCAA tournament the year before, and I showed up to a session one day with a Jason Kidd jersey. (Kidd was, for those of you who don't follow basketball, California's best player that year.) So he called me up in front of everyone and made me do 5 push-ups for wearing it. All in good fun. Heck of a guy. (And a Ripon College graduate, by the way.)

4 (tie). Ben Stein (15). I saw him speak at Ripon one night, which doesn't exactly qualify him for an appearance on this list, but then some baseball buddies and I went out and started calling his hotel room after midnight trying to get him to come out to the bars with us. We probably called like 7 or 8 times, but he never answered. For all I know, the guy at the front desk was connecting us to an empty room. Who knows? Still a good story.

3. Laura Ramsey (16). Kind of low (6) in Category 1, but a 10 in Category 2. If you know her, it's from a) The Real Cancun, b) The Days, or c) She's the Man. When I was at Ripon, I helped to direct a theater production at Laconia High School, and she was one of my actresses. And now she's a big star. You're welcome, Laura.

2. Kenny Chesney (17). Hanging out with my bro in Nashville, I saw him at Subway. The first question my wife asked was, "What did he order?" Sadly, I didn't pay attention. One of the great regrets of my life.

1. Rick Reilly (19). Super-famous because of his work in Sports Illustrated. And an awesome story: I wrote an article for the school paper when I was in high school that criticized the way that some of the basketball players were disrespecting the head coach. It got negative feedback, so I was thinking of dropping the paper. My mom sent my article, along with a short note, to my favorite writer--Rick Reilly. A month later, he called my house and we talked for half an hour. He encouraged me to stick with writing, so I did. And now you have him to thank for this blog.

Upset that you're not on the list? Well, if you're not famous, you need to get more famous. And if you are famous, you need to do cooler stuff with me. That's all there is to it.

Later gators.

were i omnipotent

2008-01-15T11:27:00.000-06:00

Okay, so here's the preface/disclaimer/whatever: I like Big Foot High School. I really like it. In fact, I was offered a job elsewhere last year and declined because I like Big Foot. It's a good place to work. I like most of my students and most of my colleagues. I really, really like Big Foot High School.

That having been said, it's not flawless. And I'm not just talking about the kids that smell funny or the fact that none of my copies of Of Mice and Men have covers. Now, I don't really have much power around these parts, but if I did--were I omnipotent--here are some of the things I'd do:

1. Eliminate the requirement that teachers include comments on every student's mid-term report card. This is ludicrous for a few reasons. First of all, the grades and the diploma endorsement marks (scores of 1, 2, 3, or 4 for things like attitude, effort, etc.) already serve this function. If I see that my kid has a BC with 1's for attitude and group work, and 2's for effort and quality of work, that tells me all I need to know. Does it really help paint a clearer picture when the teacher tells me he's a "pleasure to have in class"? And if there really is a need for a comment, the teacher can include it. Second, I never see the comments after I enter them. If I went to the bother, I could find them, but it would take some time. However, the parents and the students see them all the time. So if I say, "Doing solid work," then he doesn't hand in his next three assignments, his grade report looks like this: "GRADE: F; COMMENT: Doing solid work." So I have to go back in and change the comment every time that one of my 70 students' grades drop? False.

2. Eliminate the gum-chewing rule. Ridiculous. People don't put gum under desks, etc. because they don't know what else to do with it. They put it there because they're trying to hide it so they don't get in trouble.

3. Extend lunch. The bell that tells us lunch is over rings 25 minutes after the bell that tells us lunch is beginning. That's not long enough. I would gladly extend the school day 20 minutes if it meant we got a longer lunch. Gladly.

4. Teachers would get to use late starts. Every two weeks, we start school two hours late. If teachers were allowed to use this time to their advantage, it would be outstanding. But we're not. We have to get technology updates and other nonsense that no one (including, more often than not, the presenters) thinks is really important. I could spend that time designing tests and working on course transitions.

5. All boys would be sent away for one year. Specifically, the year between their freshman and junior year, otherwise known as their sophomore year. I hate sophomore boys.

6. Extend Winter Break by one week. For whatever reason, a lot of people seem to think it's a good idea to have a short Winter Break (this year, the 22nd was our last day, and the 2nd was our first day back) so that we get out earlier in June. False. School in June is way easier than school in January. I'd much rather have a nice long break in the middle and spend one more week here in June. I won't listen to discussion on this point.

7. Institute corporal punishment. Because there's a kid in my class that I'd like to smack right now.

And that's it. Those seven changes would make this a perfect school.

Later gators.

cool

2008-01-11T12:11:00.000-06:00

I remember when I thought I was cool. It wasn't really that long ago. I mean, I thought I was super-cool in middle school, but everyone thinks that. And that carried over so I thought I was cool when I started high school. Then I realized I wasn't. Then I sort of decided that I was cool because I was so uncool (a designation that I have since decided is kind of uncool). Then I went to college and, for a year, was as sure of my uncoolness as I've ever been. Then I got a girlfriend, so I decided I was cool again. Then I married her, which was a great decision, but perhaps not exactly a "cool" one. But now I don't have to worry about the question of whether or not I'm cool anymore. I'm not. I have a kid.

Seriously, if you're reading this and you have a kid, think back on a time when you thought you were cool. (If you're reading this and you don't have a kid, you probably still think you're cool.) (On second thought, if you don't have a kid, you're probably not even reading this. You're probably out at a bar or a movie or someplace else that you're able to go just because you feel like it.) Okay, have you got that period in your life in mind? Now tell me how cool you thought it was to...

...wipe snot off of a little kid's face. (In fact, as Nicole and I were saying the other day, I specifically recall thinking, "Why doesn't that kid's parent just wipe that junk off his face? That's gross." And you know what? The kidless people reading this probably still ask themselves that question. Clueless bastards.)

...turn down an opportunity to go out to a bar with friends because your wife and son are out of town and you have a chance to lie on the couch and eat pizza and watch some movie your wife never lets you watch like Goodfellas.

...watch VeggieTales/Sesame Street/SpongeBob SquarePants/etc. (And I'm not talking about having it on in the background while you're doing housework. I'm talking about sitting down--maybe your kid's there, maybe he's not--and watching with a vested interest in what's happening to these characters.)

And there are tons more examples. Really, my whole day is a study in uncoolness. When we read The Great Gatsby in American Lit., I always have kids define "cool" (so we can talk about whether Gatsby is), and no one ever says, "Ability to sing the entire VeggieTales theme song." So yeah, I'm no longer cool.

BUT (and, as my father would say, it's a big but), the important thing is this: I came to the realization that I'm not cool after I came to the realization that being cool is lame. One of my favorite quotes comes from North Carolina basketball coach Roy Williams: "I hate cool people. I've never met one friggin' guy who was cool who I liked." Totally. I hate cool people too, Roy.

So if you still think it's important to be cool, the hell with you. But if you like to talk tomatoes, and if a squash can make you smile, well, then you and I are totally cool.

Later gators.